A New (Scary) World

I mentioned in the first post that I love to write nearly everything. Nearly being the key word there. Despite my love of writing, I have actively resisted writing a blog. Until today obviously. I walked into my Honors Western Civilization class this morning to be told that a blog was an assignment for the course as we are going to be studying, not only history of civilization, but how we understand it through our modern digital technology and reversely how our history has created the technology today. So this blog will not really be a personal blog, in the typical sense. I will not be sharing date stories or post about an argument I have with a friend or roommate. While I am confident that what is occurring in my life and the emotions I am experiencing will no doubt influence my examination of certain topics and discussions, this blog is meant to be a forum for me to present and analyze ideas--first in this class and then beyond.

So, my reasons for resisting a blog: 1, I am a very private person and I am not sure I want anyone with access to the internet being able to read my thought and feelings, 2 I am still attached to paper, pens, libraries, and bookstores, and 3, I am not sure that I agree with the "new" idea that blogging is an acceptable format to truly discuss important ideas. Yes, I know many reading this will disagree, but hear me out. For problem 1, I intend to be careful in what information I disclose in the first place and write those more personal thoughts in my black book locked in a safe buried under my house. Problem 2- I am the kind of woman who writes thank-you cards by hand and mails them instead of an email or facebook post (though I use those mediums for other reasons). I prefer personal contact with those I talk to and discuss with. And I love the smell of a new book and the feeling of getting lost in row after row of books, partly because I love how personal that is. To address this issue, this blog will be personal in the sense that I will put a lot of myself emotionally into it (not personal details necessarily). I need to create a conversation, an interaction that makes this more than just a keyboard and screen in my room and imaginging you reading this wherever you are.


Now for the third problem, it actually brings me to a question. Is the internet and all the new digital tools a substitute for research, journal writing by hand, talking with our friends in person, etc? Or is it just another way to expand how we do those things? Yet, if you think the latter, do you not fear that it will become something more and create a detached impersonal lifestyle that we will pass onto our children? Who decided that computers could replace notes and letters? Or am I feeling as those people must have felt when they started writing oral traditonal stories down in ink? And maybe as those playwrights of old would feel if they knew we created reader's digest versions of their masterpieces? I guess I fear that we will not find a balance between the benefits of technology and the true need for more concrete human interaction. I fear that technology will snowball and we will forget the beauty of baling hay on the farm because we only read about it on someone else's blog. I fear that we will hestitate to try new things, sometimes scary things like parenthood, because we read all the material available on the internet and decide on that alone. As we discuss the Renaissance, or "rebirth", of the history books, could we not say that our digital age is the same thing? The challenge of old ideas and methods?

And it is up to us to decide how to learn and understand both.

From the Heart of A Paladin

Paladin: any one of the 12 legendary peers or knightly champions in attendance on Charlemagne; any knightly or heroic champion; any determined advocate or defender of a noble cause.

I learned this word several weeks ago and fell in love with it immediately. In fact, when I get a dog that will be it's name. How appropriate to describe me! I don't mean knightly or that I was in attendance on Charlemagne (except in my imagination), but that I am a defender of truth and all good things. Indeed, "if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [I] seek after these things." (13th Article of Faith) I can honestly claim that I am a lover of many people, places, ideas, and activities. And I don't use the word "love" lightly-trust me, having experienced various methods and levels of love throughout my life. Now I tell you what I love so you can better understand who I am, for it is how we love that truly defines us.

I love my family with my entire being. My dad is amazing- the kind of man I compare every other man to. He is the voice in my head telling me I can do better; from him I get my desire to challenge and push myself. He introduced me to 80's music and old country and taught me to respect men just as I want them to respect me. My mother constantly teaches me something new. She is the ultimate example of patience and tolerance. Her and I are quite similar, but our circumstances have shaped us into unique individuals who are becoming friends independent of her parental status. She has the voice of an angel and passed on a love of reading to me. My oldest sister (*Aurora), only three years older than myself, is funny and has NO inhibitions; I consider myself a fairly private person so she makes me step outside of my comfort zone, a lot. My second oldest sister(*Jasmine) is only two years older than I and she is going to school across the country from me studying an advanced science field. She lives a very different life from myself and she has taught me so much about understanding others and unconditional love. She is always challenging me to think in different ways and I love her dearly. My younger sister(*Bubbles) just turned sixteen (if you just rolled your eyes and groaned- I'm with you) and is boy crazy!! It's funny talking to her because of all the things she wants to tell me about boys and school and seemingly silly things, but she always surprises me with her deep insights and profound spirituality. My youngest sister is two years younger than the 16 year old. She is the tiny tomboy of the family. Over the years, her and I have shared a love of dancing so we always dance together. She is talented with the piano, singing, acting, and art- to name a few. Always thoughtful, she is caring and loving even when she's rocking out. I only have one brother, but since I was only given one, God gave me the best one ever. *Jasper is the youngest of the family and is eight years younger than me. He is my angel and is probably the sweetest boy to ever live on the planet Earth. Constantly curious, he loves bugs, animals, science, ancient history, and any new subject you give him. When he was born, I cared for him extensively so we are joined at the hip...almost. Loving my brother has made me a better woman, and so has my entire family each in their unique way. (And yes, I purposely left out their names for their privacy). I love my religion; I am a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon!). It gives me purpose and direction in a world wherein so many are wandering. This religion is based on simple and powerful true principles and doctrines, yet always amazes me with the depth and breadth our progression of testimony can extend to.

I love my friends and I love making new friends. They continually teach me from new and varied perspectives about every subject and emotion. I love the multi-layered friendships I have the privilege of enjoying. I have been a nanny, babysitter, housekeeper, roommate, neighbor, teacher, mentor, resident assistant, group leader, team captain, etc to some friends and those relationships continue to grow even after I no longer see them regularly. I have to mention my friend Kelly, who always amazes me with her depth and perspectives on life. She is always there for me when I need support and I love her for exactly who she is. My best friend, Emilee, was my twin sister born to another family. I can call her and cry over the phone and no words are needed. Sometimes we call each other at the same time, both of us crying or laughing. She understands me on a consummate level that few others have ever reached with me.

I love learning, of every kind and all angles. Being especially blessed, I enjoy both science and English and history and music and math. The study of cultures and languages fascinates me; I am learning to appreciate art and that peregrination called life. It is typical of me to want to learn faster than I can run--I'm that excited for knowledge. Subtle things are probably my favorite things to learn: how to rock a baby to sleep, teaching a child to tie shoes, learning to enjoy the small things like sunrises and beautiful gardens, learning to slow down in our fast-paced world, learning to listen and understand, and learning to appreciate silence and stillness.
I love to dance- the movement, the music, the structure, the freedom, and the expression of it. I dance all styles and I have this sneaking suspicion that when I'm eighty I will still sneak out of bed and dance in the moonlight. I love to swim, which a rather recent love actually. I am currently training to swim the English Channel. Wish me luck! I love to write- stories and poems, essays, talks/speeches-you name it, I probably like to write it. Except a blog, but I'll talk about that later. I love romantic movies and love stories, love quotes and adventures of love in my own life. I love the mountains, sunflowers, cauliflower, latin dancing, fondant, Marines, the color orange, football, the Yankees, and finger painting.

The following is a quote from one of my manuscripts that perfectly describe how I feel about love: " We all have a love story. Familiar or romantic. Long or short, joyful or full of sorrow, complicated or simple, or somewhere in between it all. Francois de La Rouchefoucould once said, “There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand different versions.” Maybe we’re all just searching for our version. The one that makes us believe in magic, even after tragedy. The one that makes us want to become a better person if only to better love them. The one that makes the sun rise and is there to teach us how to deal with the night. But no matter what form love is for us, it can never be ordinary. Love itself is never ordinary. Maybe we are ordinary as individuals, or our lives are mundane, or it seems the plot of our life mirrors someone else’s. But it is love that truly defines each of us, and since it can never be ordinary, neither are we. Every aspect of the way we love shapes and defines us. Some will tell you it’s clothes or money, or the collection of life experiences that give you an identity on some level. But in the end, no one writes on their headstone what designer they wore, or how much they were worth, or a list of all their awards and achievements. Nope. You see, “Beloved Wife and Mother” or “Loving Father and Friend” etc. Life is about love. It really is that simple. Sometimes in life we forget that. All we see are the bills every day in the mail, hear people screaming for our attention, and feel the weight of the world on every square inch of our bodies. I admit to that feeling as well. But never for long because there’s a part of us that always knows. That will forever remind us of love."

In short, I love therefore I am.