Beautiful Heartbreak

I'm not going to apologize for the last post, because I really felt that way at the time. However, a week later, I'm doing much better with the situation. In fact, that specific heartache was able to join the other things I was working on letting go of and I can honestly say that I am doing incredible today. Actually better than before. I noticed I posted this music video almost three years ago, but it means even more now so I hope you enjoy it.

I mentioned earlier about the pieces we leave behind and need to bring back to ourselves. I realized that sometimes that part hasn't learned all it needs to yet. If it still hurts or frustrates, maybe I haven't learned the lesson I needed to from that experience. For the most part, these pieces come back as we call bringing peace and closure. Sometimes we realize they are attached to these heavy burdens we've been carrying around, perhaps for years. The only way I'm finding to become whole again is through calling back our "pieces", cleansing ourselves of the burden and baggage we still harbor, and filling the holes with light and love.

That sounds really poetic. I know it's not that straight-forward or easy. We talk about physical health and spiritual health and sometimes we skirt around really talking about emotional health. And just as we are responsible for the former kinds, we have an obligation to take care of ourselves emotionally. But how? Few people or places teach us how; there's no class or textbook to walk us through the steps because it's so personal. For some, talking about and analyzing emotional issues to reach understanding is enough. For others, understanding comes only as a first stop followed by releasing negative emotions and identifying the positive learning outcomes.

As I positively direct my thoughts towards the kind of person I want to be, I can already see how it fills me with light and joy.  This spring cleaning for the soul is not for the faint of heart- it's work. Sometimes exhausting, sometimes at a slower pace than we want, but always productive and extremely liberating. I hope this post wasn't too crazy to follow with all my thoughts thrown around there, but I truly believe that all experiences leave a fossil-like impression on our souls making us who we are. But we have the choice to fill the space left behind from that burden or blessing with the right thoughts and feelings. So, in fact, it is true that it is not our circumstances, but how we choose to react and react and react again throughout our lives that fills us up.

 

Love Takes Hostages

This isn't my usual kind of post and maybe I feel a little guilty for spewing out the heartache on my blog. But if I can't do it on my blog, where else can I? I know this isn't how I really truly feel overall, but right now I do. You don't have to read this. You can go back to playing with your adorable baby and talking to your sweet husband. Sorry, that sounded bitter. Please, you don't have to read this. But I need to write it.

 

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. "- Neil Gaiman "The Sandman"

 

I remember getting up one day realizing it didn't hurt the same. Like my heart finished rearranging the pieces to fill in the hole and my lungs patching up the punctures so I could breathe again. Reminiscing isn't as painful as reliving. The way his smile made my heart flutter and how his eyes connected to my soul. The way he listened to me like every word was the most important he'd ever heard. Funny how you're so different yet you did the same things to my heart. His eyes were brown and yours are blue, and with him the pain was immediate. Shattering. With you, only numbness. Like my heart was ready for it, prepared for the inevitable, protected by the scar tissue of careless men before you. After round one, I thought I was coming back stronger, ready for another shot. But the numb ache tells me I lied to myself. Maybe I never got over him. And perhaps I still had my walls up so when it all fell apart the only one I could be angry with was me. I want to say I put it all out there- my whole heart on the line. So if it's broken then it's my fault. I put the expectations out there, investing myself before you knew what hit you. They say you remember the pain from the first time, but that the damage is worse the second time broken. And it's true. Now I just feel empty. Numb. Not caring if it ever heals so I won't get the stupid idea to try again.

All The Pieces

We go through life giving parts of ourselves away, leaving them here and there. And the wonderful thing is that it means we were invested in our lives--that it mattered enough to give the gift of self. On the other hand, however, it can mean eventually you feel like you're missing yourself. At that point, or any reflection pit-stop along the way, you have the choice to call all those pieces back to you. It doesn't mean those experiences didn't shape and guide you, that you're forgetting, or that it doesn't matter anymore. Wherever and whenever we invest our hearts and souls, it changes us forever. But afterwards, when we've completed the job, you can take that part of your heart back.

So here's to calling all my pieces home.

To the part of me growing up that thought I was responsible for making sure everyone was okay- come back to me.

And the part that gave all my energy and time into being as perfect as possible in high school, that involved myself in every activity, and worked for every grade like my life depended on it- let it go and come back.

To the part of me I thought I lost when I was betrayed by friends- find your way home now.

The part of me that I let slowly fade away when I loved someone I didn't have a chance with- come back to life.

And the part of me that changed everything when I truly fell in love for the first time- I still need you.

To the part of me that stayed behind with all the wonderful memories of college- come back.

The part of me that gave everything on my mission and that loved the Lord and the people of Houston beyond all comprehension- come back and I will always carry you with me.

And the pieces of me I left in the numerous states I've lived in- come back and see the home I've created now.

And to all the other pieces and parts, good and bad, joyful and sad, come back to me so I can move forward as me--the whole woman I can be.

Boiled Eggs and Potatoes

If you take two identical pots of boiling water and place eggs in one and potatoes in the other, both will cook. The circumstances are the same- surrounded by 113+ degree water ( a mixture of hydrogen and oxygen molecules moving extremely fast). However, when all is said and done, the egg has hardened and the potato has softened. What's the difference? I believe the actual quote I read went like this- "The same boiling water that softens potatoes, hardens eggs. It's all about what you are made of, not your circumstances." What you're made of. It's the very composition of the food item in question that determines it's reaction to the circumstance.

And so it goes with us. It's not the situation or the trial, but our character, attitude, and reaction that determines the outcome. Sometimes that is challenging to remember when we feel like boiling water has encompassed us; it is difficult to keep in mind that sometimes the goal is not to stay above water, but to allow the water to change you.

There is an element of choice in any and all circumstances. Recently I watched the movie "If I Stay" with a group of friends and I couldn't help but notice this theme through the entire film. Mia, the main character, faces a lot of choices about love and ultimately about whether to wake up from her coma or let us herself die. I love how the nurse whispers to her, "Here's the secret baby. If you live, if you die, it's all up to you." Now I know there are times and circumstances where things truly are beyond our control, but the choices we can make can help determine, if not the final outcome, then how we well endure and how we influence those around us.

Life is about choices. One of my other favorite quotes from the movies is, " Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you." Choices we make do make us who we are and who we will become. I couldn't post just anything to start off the new year and I thought this was good food for thought to kick it off. I don't know all of what this next year has in store for me, maybe some more boiling water, but I do know who I am striving to become and through it all I am determined to be positive, happy, and humble. Happy 2015!