When Love Isn't Enough

"How do you look at someone you love and tell yourself it's time to walk away?" (John, Dear John)

 

 

When loyalty is the keystone of love, when must you hold on and be patient as opposed to letting go and moving on? I'm not shy about talking about or dreaming about love; love is vital, particularly for an optimistic romantic such as myself. But love alone cannot make a relationship or marriage work unless it is coupled with commitment, trust, and communication. So when I typically refer to love, I'm referring to the type of love that encompasses all of those elements. When the feeling of love doesn't translate into the actions of love, it isn't enough. When we take passion or attraction and call it love, it isn't enough. When the love lacks trust or friendship or communication, it isn't enough.

  Love cannot change free will or force other elements; that would go against the very nature of love. One person can choose to love freely with all that comes with- commitment, trust, sacrifice, and work- yet if the other one does not make the same choice you will find yourself at an impasse. Love is a choice, or rather a series of choices with someone you never want to let go. President Thomas S. Monson has said, " Choose your love. Love your choice."

Sibling Squabbles and Spiritual Gifts

Sorry, we're missing Cortney in this one, but it's the most recent I have!

I have been blessed with five incredible siblings, each uniquely different and wonderful. I can honestly say that I wouldn't be who I am today without my relationship with each one of them- from the way they tease me mercilessly to how protective we are of each other, from crazy hard times to the best of adventures. Just as with any other relationship, as much as we love each other there can be frustrations and disagreements. Growing up with a group of siblings can mean you always have back up, but it can also mean they know just how to get under your skin. In institute this week we focused on some of the sibling relationships found in the Book of Mormon which gives us insight and inspiration for our own brothers and sisters.

Ok, this is really Helaman teaching his sons, but it's a good family pic, right?

Perhaps the most classic example is found with Nephi and his brothers. Six brothers raised by a prophet and with their unique spiritual gifts, experiences, and of course their agency, we get the chance to watch their lives unfold. We learn the most about Nephi as he is the author of the first two books in the Book of Mormon- we learn he has the gifts of knowledge and obedience, of humility and compassion. Brief insights are shared about Sam (1 Nephi 2:17) telling us that he had the gifts of faith to believe in other's words and obedience. While Sam never becomes the prophet (as their younger brother Jacob does), he never wavers or falters, but is faithful and steadfast. He reminds me of the quote, " If serving is below you, then leadership is beyond you." Perhaps one of his most valuable contributions to his family was his quiet and humble service as he followed the prophets of God within his own family. With wonderful examples like Nephi and Sam, it is no wonder that Jacob became an extraordinary prophet who saw Christ (2 Nephi 11:3), preached powerfully (Jacob 2,5), and contended with the anti-Christ, Sherem (Jacob 7). He always reminds me of Elder Bednar- powerful, a little serious and sober, and incredibly caring and compassionate. These three used their spiritual gifts to bless and lead their families in righteousness.

We see the other side with Laman and Lemuel, who while going through the same experiences as the others, choose not to develop their gifts and instead bring frustration and heartache. It might be easy to wonder if they even have spiritual gifts since all the stories we get are negative, but hidden in there are glimpses of their potential. Laman, as the oldest, was gifted with leadership. Every time he rebelled he was persuasive enough to not only bring his brother into it, but typically many others. We see this in the wilderness ( 1 Nephi 7:6) when two daughters and two sons of Ishmael also follow them. Their father, Lehi, even acknowledged some those of gifts  in 1 Nephi 2 as he compared Laman to a river and Lemuel to the valley, pointing out Laman's strength and might and Lemuel's steadfastness. Instead of turning to the Lord, they turned inward and strength became resentment and steadfastness became stubbornness.

We see another example with the sons of Alma- Helaman, Shiblon, and Corianton. Helaman is entrusted with the plates and later is appointed leader of the 2000 stripling warriors, a man of compassionate strength and a firm testimony. Shiblon is described in Alma 38 as " faithful", "steady", "diligent" and "patient", truly a man without guile. He served a faithful mission and was entrusted with the plates after Helaman's death. Corianton at first appears to be the black sheep; he committed some sins (broke the law of chastity) while on his mission and caused many to not believe the message of the gospel. We are able to see his repentance and through his father's words to him, we see he has a bright and inquisitive mind. Due to many of the questions he had about resurrection and the plan of salvation, we have the wonderful instruction in Alma 40-42. He goes on to become a powerful missionary and to serve the Lord all his days. I myself have not sinned in that manner, but I listened in awe as other missionaries shared stories of personal repentance and the power of the Atonement to cleanse and forgive. In fact, any experience of applying the Atonement is a powerful missionary tool as well as a blessing within our families.

It may be easy to analyze Lehi's or Alma's sons, but it might not be that different from our own families. No one is perfect, but we all have spiritual gifts and unique experiences that can uplift and bless our other family members. When we go through trials and experiences in which we strive to learn all we can and grow, we can then share that understanding and knowledge with our families to support and succor them through their individual trials.

It is my testimony that we are given the parents and siblings we are given for very specific and powerful purposes. Their gifts can complement our own and help us become all we can be. Each of us can decide to use our agency and spiritual gifts to bless, uplift, and help those we love most. And instead of focusing on petty annoying disagreements with them, we can focus on their gifts and talents.

Figuring Out The Family ( Starring The Book of Mormon)

I love the Book of Mormon. Actually, I love all scriptures, however the Book of Mormon holds a special place in my heart. Following counsel from Elder Bednar, every time I finish it I start over with a new study or theme. About eighteen months ago as I was finishing my mission and completing a study of the Book of Mormon and the Atonement, I started praying to know what I should focus on next. The impression was very clear- focus on the family. With help from The Family: A Proclamation to the World, I began studying and pondering on how to build successful families based off the "principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities...". The Book of Mormon is filled with lots of families and their relationships with each other and with the gospel of Jesus Christ- it starts with the story of Lehi's family and ends with a father and son story of Mormon and Moroni.

 

 

Throughout the course of my study, I have been instructed by the Spirit to improve my family relationships and to prepare myself to create my own eternal family; it has been an incredible blessing in my life. So recently, when given the privilege to teach an institute class for my stake this summer, they allowed me to create my own class on this very topic. Anyone who has ever been in a class with me knows how excited I get and this class is no different. This is applying principles and examples from Lehi, Nephi, Alma, Mosiah, etc to our real relationships!!

 

We started off talking about the doctrine of the family and the family of God. We talked about types and shadows- normally we talk about how prophets are types and shadows of Christ, but we talked about how our earthly families and relationships are types and shadows of our eternal family relationships. So incredible!

Sister Esplin in this last General Conference reminded us that"strong eternal families and Spirit-filled homes do not just happen. They take great effort, they take time, and they take each member of the family doing his or her part. Every home is different, but every home where even one individual seeks for truth can make a difference.”

Then last night, we dove into the scriptures, particularly the example of Lehi as a "goodly parent" and his example of obedience, faith, prayer, and humility just to name a few. It is interesting to note that all other accounts of prophets are written either first hand by the prophet or by a separate/unattached individual ( Mormon abridging some records, etc) so perhaps our stories of Lehi are the only ones told by a son. It gives us a different insight into who he really was. We discussed the interaction of agency and faith within the family; we know Heavenly Father will never take away our agency or force us to believe or do anything. Yet we also recognize the power of faith and came to the conclusion as a class that while our faith cannot force anyone to choose the right, it can influence and create circumstances that encourage the righteous exercise of agency ( See Mosiah 27:14).

We learn that Lehi wasn't perfect, as a prophet or as a parent (shocking, I know), in the account of Nephi's bow (1 Nephi 16:20-25). However, Nephi's response to his father is humble and incredibly applicable to all of us. He prepares himself and then asks his father where he should go to obtain food. We know Nephi understood how to pray and receive answers, but the amount of respect and honor he had for Lehi, both as his father and as the prophet, it instructive. When his father was struggling, he showed an increase of trust in him and a willingness to obey ( a mirror of Lehi's obedience in leaving Jerusalem). Families and individuals are not perfect- there are going to be disappointments and frustrations. And while we cannot control the actions of those we love so dearly, we can control our responses to them.

Those are just a few of the wonderful lessons from Lehi and I'm excited to share, discuss, and explore how we can "figure out" the family.

So There's This Boy...

So...there's this boy. Well, more of a man. And he has unconsciously pushed my blogging down off my list of priorities. For all my friends, family and faithful readers, I'm still here and I've still got lots to say, but my now boyfriend tends to hear more of it. Let me repent of that and give you a little update.

I have to back up a little actually. Beginning of this year I was a little frustrated with the dating scene in general. I was going to all the activities and places I should be and only found the same group of people (including boys who never asked me out and the one who broke my heart in January). So I decided to take matters into my own hands. In addition to my regular institute class, I signed up for a Spanish institute class at another institute I'd never been to. Then I started volunteering at other places in an effort to meet more people and put myself in new situations. It was fun. In my process of working on me and healing, I let myself just have fun. And that's when I met M.

We met at institute one week and his friend invited me to family home evening the next week. From there I was invited to the Latin dances and other activities. One night after institute a group of us went to grab a bite to eat then the week after as well. Then one week it was just the two of us. And the week after that. In all honesty I didn't know if I liked him at this point- he was great and we were becoming good friends and I could tell he liked me. Maybe because I was still nursing a broken heart or I just needed to take it slow or what, but I told a friend of mine that I didn't know how I felt about him but I'd give him a chance. So the following week when he went with me to see a chick flick he'd already seen (Cinderella), I knew something was going on.

Then one night, after going to a fireside together, we were walking around the Mesa temple playing 20 Questions. He asked me, " If there is something challenging in your life that you would like my advice about, what would it be?" Moments of clarity and stillness are rare, but everything went quiet for me as a little voice inside my head whispered, " Well, Kristi... you can be brave here or you can chicken out. You decide." You will be excited to know that I was brave. Sometimes all it takes is 30 seconds of insane courage, right? So I told him that there was this guy who I was great friends with and enjoyed being around and I didn't know how he felt about me or what was going on. The look on his face was priceless. I could tell he wasn't sure if I was referring to him and he kept his answer pretty diplomatic by telling me that I should be honest and ask him directly what this guy thought and felt about me. I waited maybe two heartbeats before turning to him and asking, " Well, M, what do you think about me?" Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend that night.

It was unexpected. And it's wonderful and different. Before in relationships there was always a bit of a frantic feeling, excitement and nervousness all the time. With M, there's a lot of peace. Sure, we disagree on things, especially considering that we come from two different cultures, but overall there is just this peace. He makes me laugh and he challenges me to think differently. He is so respectful and caring. He loves the gospel and has one of the most generous hearts I've ever seen. Early on, we are both aware of potential challenges or obstacles we will face, but he's worth fighting for.

"A lasting relationship is...about compatibility and communication. And you both need to want it to work. If one person does not want it to work, it isn't going to work,...Intention is the key. It's also about not losing yourself in each other. Being together, two pillars holding up the house and the roof, and being different, not having to agree on everything, learning how to deal with not agreeing. Everything's a choice."- Goldie Hawn

And love is a choice, but the choice that makes everything else worthwhile. I will keep you updated.