All About Choices

It is a beautiful Sunday, but instead of sitting in church like I usually am, I am drinking gatorade and eating cough drops. You know what is coming- West Side Story! But first, this is a good chance to me to discuss the feminist problem that has developed and how it affects me.

As defined by Wikipedia: "Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for women. Its concepts overlap with those of women's rights." Basically, allow women the natural political, economic, and social rights as men. Various waves of feminism focused on different aspects from the workplace, home, political involvement, sexuality, and education. Unfortunately it has taken hundreds of years for women to be granted the rights and privileges most men take for granted.

I sit here, near my college campus, working several jobs and paying my own bills. I will graduate in the coming year and obtain my bachelors of science then possibly go on to medical school. Opportunities are abundant, not just for me, but for women around the world. But as women feel a bit more liberated they are turning up their noses at those who choose the traditional roles of wife and mother. In a recent discussion (ok, it became more of an argument), I was labeled "simple-minded" and "uninformed" in my desire to have a family.

Have we gone so far as to forget what the whole point was? That women have the opportunity to choose.

In Mona Lisa Smile, a 2003 movie starring Julia Roberts, a women's college in the 1950's struggles with expectation and appearances. One of my favorite scenes takes place between Katharine(Julia Roberts) and Joan (Julia Stiles). Joan was accepted to law school, but tells her professor that she has eloped and won't be going. And while I believe that women can have careers and families simultaneously, the sentiments they struggle with still continue today.

Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.
Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose!
J: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.
K: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.
J: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
K-Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
J-Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.
K-I didn't say that.
J-Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.

Being a woman is incredible. I know we are powerful, intelligent, compassionate, ambitious, and talented. Just look at Margaret Thatcher, Indira Ghandi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Carleton Fiorina, Andrea Jung, Elisabeth I, Golda Meir, Oprah Winfrey, Mary Shelley, and many many more. If you don't know who those women are, look them up.

And for those who think religion requires women to be submissive check this video out.


Now I'm going to get back to coughing and watching Maria and Tony!

Memories

A green recliner in a smoky corner,
the smoke that smells nostalgic before despicable.
Behind the chair is the hidden stash,
of M&Ms, crackers, cigs, and black licorice.
Things he really shouldn't have,
at least the meter says so every time he pricks his finger.
Positioned perfectly before the screen so not
to miss a John Wayne,
telling me to forget the druggie Beatles
for the charming Elvis he remembers so well.

And the music of the family,
standing at attention with twinkling eyes.
Laughter filling the entire room
until everyone was a part of it.
Sitting at a cafe in the capital city,
talking to me like an equal.
Hearing me out and talking it through.
Driving past a flag turned on it's end,
made us both turn right around.

Eating bubble gum push-pops and,
running through the fields.
Changing the thermostat seven times a day,
packing everything up once more.
Whispering secrets late late at night,
and sneaking to the kitchen for a snack.
Early morning car rides and classes,
standing up to the punks on the bus.
Fighting about a boy,
never having to say I told you so.
Phone calls are plenty- growing up together,
being grown apart.

Some Dreams Are a Little Too Real

Have you ever woken up, rather jolted out of a dream? Have you ever gone back to sleep just to figure out how it ends, to find the key, to grasp that one detail you need when you wake up? I've always been a dreamer, literally and figuratively. I have really vivid dreams and I tend to remember them long after I wake up. Now, I don't believe dreams are psychic visions, but I also believe they can contain truth and knowledge our conscious brain may not have full access to. Last night's dream may forever be imprinted on my memory.


There was this beautiful baby girl, more perfect than any I've ever encountered. And I've seen a lot of babies being an older sibling, a babysitter, a nanny, a friend, etc and I love them. Never have I found a baby I would call unattractive, but this baby was exquisite. Dark curly hair and deep blue eyes- eyes that will one day become green and gold. She had this adorable half smile and as she looked up at me while I rocked and fed her it was as though she was speaking to my soul. And I was singing to her, a lullaby I made up and can barely remember now that I'm awake. For a moment I raised her up and looked up at her only to realize she didn't have a name yet. So I went back to rocking her, mentally going through the baby name list I've made over the years. Not a Kelly Anne or an Emilee Nicole. Not Anne Marie or Nancy Rae. I woke up panicking that I didn't know her name so I did what every sane woman would do. I went back to sleep to figure it out.

This picture really doesn't do her justice.

Her name is Brooklyn Rose.

Letter to Me

Recently for an assignment I wrote a letter to myself as an eight year-old. It was an interesting experience- both what I wrote and the journey of reliving some childhood experiences. But it was also a cathartic exercise, so I wanted to share some of what I wrote. Please don't take any of this personally.

"Right now you've decided that everyone will eventually disappoint or even abandon you. People aren't perfect dear, not adults, not parents, not even you. People make mistakes, disappoint you- especially people you love. But not everyone will let you down, not everyone will hurt you, not everyone will put the responsibility on your shoulders and leave. Kristi, you need to know that it's okay to not get everything right, to mess up and try again. You're allowed to say that you're struggling, hurt, angry...it's part of the process.... You need to allow people to see the vulnerable part of you or they will never really know you...

Try not to wait for what you expected and instead love what you're given. It may not be the timetable you had in mind, but Heavenly Father is the master planner. Let go a little bit and trust more- it's worth it in the end."

Interesting to realize that some of that I still need to hear and some of it I needed to be able to admit. Upon my graduation a couple years ago, a sweet lady gave me an interesting book- What I Know Now, a book of powerful women writing to their younger selves. It's worth a look.

What would you tell yourself looking back? What wisdom have you gained over the years?

Unspoken: A Poetry Sneak Peek

As mentioned in my last post, my first volume of poetry is now available at Barnes and Noble. And I'm excited to announce that my second volume (even better than the first, in my opinion) is coming out in two weeks! So to all my loyal blog friends I wanted to give you a sneak peak.

Unspoken

There is a shadow lurking
in my blossoming garden and
tea parties in the park.
Under my willow tree and
slipping into the tepid pool.
Just hidden in plain sight,
taunting my pain to the
Explosion point.

There is a doubt lingering
in my freshly scrubbed kitchen,
tinting my counters bright white.
In my clean laundry basket,
all the shades become drab.
Stabbing at my heart,
Tearing at my walls.

An emptiness leaves an ache
in it’s hole, unfilled by the
trappings of daily life.
Words fall away,
losing meaning on the way down.
An unspoken pain untouched
by medicine or casts.
Open wounds gaping
vulnerable to thrown salt.

Unspotted walls, orderly floors,
silence emptying the rooms,
filling my nightmares
while small laughter and
muddy prints haunt my
daydreams relentlessly.
Yearning for sleepless nights
and exhausting days.

Playgrounds, grocery stores,
daily walks must be prepared for;
a smile sewn on,
a protective layer between me and them.
Their excitement and frazzled looks,
pitying me.
Unaware of the uphill climb.

There is a shadow lurking.
Here is the lingering doubt.

Carl Bloch, Conference, and Congrats!

It will come as no surprise to those who know me when I say that I am not artistically gifted. I have many talents, but art is not one of them so I love LOVE studying those you are artistically inclined. Sometimes I study certain artists or art movements, but I tend to frequent the BYU Museum of Art exhibits whenever possible. In fact, last year I shared my favorite painting from there in this post. This year at the museum a special exhibit is showcasing the work of Carl Bloch (1834-1890), a religious painter, including 5 large alter pieces and numerous smaller works. I went with some friends this last week and spent almost two hours studying and learning about these masterpieces. Many of his works are familiar in to Christianity such as:I especially love this second one entitled, Christ Healing the Sick At Bethesda. I learned some of the meanings within the painting, such as the man in the red cap sitting between the waters of men and the Living Water of Christ looking back as if decided which to trust. And the man almost hidden behind Christ who has no legs, but has his hands in his shoes in an attempt to pull himself to the water. Are we willing to work that hard for what we really want? I know I want to. To see more of Carl Bloch's works or to see the exhibit, check out the website.

Also, this weekend was one of my favorites of the year as it was our annual conference weekend in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For two days, in five different sessions, our beloved prophet and apostles (the leaders of our church) speak to the worldwide membership about the challenges we face and the principles and practices we should improve upon. To learn more about this conference and to listen to various talks check out this site. This talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, one of my favorite apostles, is an excellent talk.

Finally, I want to extend some congratulations. First to myself: My first volume of poetry is now available at Barnes and Noble website entitled Journeys of the Soul. The first volume deals mostly with achieving dreams, inspiration, and believing in yourself. The second volume will be coming shortly dealing more with loss and hardship. All poems are available individually as well! Yeah!

But mostly, I want to send out congrats to my best friend, Emilee, on her recent engagement to the her perfect man, Hunter. I was able to meet him for the first time this weekend and spend time with her for the first time since Christmas (since she lives in AZ)!!! Best 4 hours I've had in a long long time. Back to Emilee. Sweet, loving, intelligent, funny, and a fantastic listener, she deserves the best. I had feared that upon her engagement I would be sad, mourning the loss of my best friend to that wonderful institution of marriage. But instead, upon hearing the news I was overwhelmingly overjoyed for her!!! They have set the date as July 8th and I will be going down for it--I'm already counting down. Congrats Emilee!