After Halloween I get so excited for Thanksgiving since it's my favorite holiday that I forget about the three days of November that expose all the old wounds. And every year they are all together. November 10th is the Marine Corp birthday. Veteran's Day is on November 11th. And November 12th will be the four year anniversary of Andy's* death.
Four years.
It's like a completely different life, as if I'm a whole other woman. The pain doesn't cripple me anymore, the ache doesn't consume me, and the loneliness isn't the only thing I see in front of me.
I remember talking with him about visiting California, about how he'd show me all these cool beaches he liked and how he'd take me to Disneyland for my first time. I had forgotten all about that until I walked the pier today and that conversation flooded back. Guilt came first, but peace followed it. I'm allowed to keep living and just because I had first planned to take all these trips with him, doesn't mean I can't take them at all. Gratitude came next- his sacrifice and the sacrifice of countless others allows me to be free. To take a vacation and try new things, to dance in the tide of the Pacific Ocean for the first time, to scavenge for seashells with the enthusiasm of a child, to delight in the opportunity to indulge my inner Disney princess. In some ways, because Andy gave everything- I am here today. And in others ways, because of Andy- I am who I am today.
I watched the tide wash over the sand today and thought about the love of the Savior--how constant, perfect, and unconditional. If we will let it, the healing power of the Atonement will soothe and eventually heal all heartaches, just as the tide smooths the sand across the beach. And in the fresh sand I can make new footprints.
"God's light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound." -President Uchtdorf
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