Trying

Somehow I got all mixed up- trying to get love for doing instead of being and feeling ashamed of being instead of just guilty for (not) doing, And somewhere I started to define strength as not being weak, not being scared. But I think the Lord has a better perspective on true strength- it includes having weaknesses and fears and not letting them win; it includes choosing faith instead of doubt. Part true strength is letting go of control instead of holding on. Strength is not measured by individual courage or valor alone, but also by the awareness that help is needed...constantly.

This past month has been challenging to say the least. Thanks to several tender mercies, some great friends, and a complete breakdown, I realized I was running on fumes and neglecting to take care of myself. So I'm on the road to fixing that. I have to give myself permission to simplify, to take care of me, and to fail in my quest for success. Most of the pressure was internal to do everything I was interested in all at once and do it well.

In April conference, a talk entitled "Latter-day Saints Keep On Trying" caught my attention. I couldn't help but ask myself what it is that we are supposed to keep trying to do or be. We keep trying to develop faith, the repent, to be charitable, to keep covenants, to recognize the Spirit... basically to live the gospel. We keep trying to become more Christlike, to forgive, be humble and patient, and to love. President Thomas S. Monson has taught, “One of God’s greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again, for no failure ever need be final." Perhaps failure is just success that is not yet complete and trying is the connection between the two--just like trusting Heavenly Father connects weakness to strength. Elder Renlund went on to say, "God’s desire that Latter-day Saints keep on trying also extends beyond overcoming sin. Whether we suffer because of troubled relationships ( um, yes), economic challenges (check), or illnesses (amen) or as a consequence of someone else’s sins (so true), the Savior’s infinite Atonement can heal." So here's to the beautiful heartbreak that is trying and failing and trying again and falling short and trying yet again and again--and realizing that He's been carrying me the whole time.