Dating can be fun, exciting, and really adventurous. And it can also be nerve-wracking, scary, and hard. So many people tell me "just enjoy this stage" or "relax and have fun" and sometimes that helps me let go and brave this whole wide world of dating. Other times, it just frustrates me. Just since I graduated high school I have watched the path of dating become increasingly steep. Now when I start to talk about this subject, I need to first establish that I'm not bashing or blaming anyone. It's a cop-out to say that "men are just lazy" or "women are too demanding", etc; not only is it fairly untrue, it's demeaning and only serves to worsen the gap between the sexes. Somehow we already find ourselves in a society that pits the sexes against each other in a pseudo battle for who is the "best", as if by making one seem inferior the other is thereby superior. I refuse to be part of it. I refuse to sit silently while the media jabbers on and drives us further apart.
Recently I was discussing with several wonderful friends of mine the situation we find ourselves in--the young single adult generation in a family-centered religion in a society that is attacking the family in full force. It shouldn't be surprising that the attacks are starting before we even form our own families- the temptations and obstacles start very early in the dating process. In our frustration it is easy to say "what is wrong with men these days?", but even as it comes out of our mouths we know that the real thought each of us have is "what is wrong with me?" Therein lies the primary temptation I believe that Satan is employing against Latter-day Saint women; this idea that we are not enough, that we have to do more and do it better leaves many sisters frustrated with themselves. Living in a society focused on "empowering" women, many of the pressures actually do the opposite as we feel we can never measure up. As we seek to understand the scripture stating that we are saved "after all we can do", it is easy to place incredible pressure on ourselves and create overly high expectations if we forgot to factor in the grace of the Savior. And by factor in, I mean realize that it makes all the difference in every possible way.
In speaking with my guy friends and reflecting on recent dating, I've also realized that while the temptations and challenges for men are just as real and strong, they seem to be very different than what is plaguing Mormon women. While I'm sure feelings of inadequacy are an issue, we see the pressure for men to "relax" and "live life before settling down". For some that means traveling and having adventures. For others that means ignoring any coaxing to date seriously and to just date for fun. And still others lose themselves in a world of virtual reality as they seek to fulfill those heroic protector roles. If the world is telling women to "go full throttle", it's in part telling men to be content to just float along. Both are incredibly destructive to serious dating, forming relationships and eventually to marriage and starting families.
Men- we need you! Not perfection or constant adventure or wealth... just you. Women- give yourselves a break sometimes. This post is by no means a definitive study on LDS dating, just some thoughts. But lest I fall into the trap of randomly throwing out opinions on the internet without any action (who does that?), I'm working on what I'm going to change. For so long I've lived by the idea that I can only control myself and my actions (which is mostly true), but sometimes have neglected to recognize how much I can affect others. I can stop making comments like "what's wrong with men?" or "men are so frustrating" etc. I know I can do more to build you up, to praise your efforts, and support you in any and all good endeavors. I'm going to cut myself a break...sometimes, and remember that I just need to be me, not some superhero (because obviously we know that most superheros have commitment issues and tend to brood a lot when they aren't saving the world). So enough of that!
The dating struggle is real, but it doesn't have to be forever if we'll all work to support and encourage one another. I'll report on my progress.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Breaking Chains
Along with all our stellar examples of families in the Book of Mormon comes a fair share of the dysfunctional ones. Like King Noah or King Lamoni and his father. Just like how sometimes we identify more with Laman and Lemuel than Nephi, it is most likely that our own families fall somewhere in between Lehi's leadership and Lamoni's father trying to kill him.
Some chains and cycles are passed down through the generations, but all it takes is one person to make the choice to break away. That's doesn't mean it's easy, just that it is possible through Christ. Two examples of breaking the pride cycle in particular stand out to me in the Book of Mormon. I can't remember how many Sunday School lessons mentioned or rather warned us about the pride cycle.
People are righteous and blessed for their faithfulness. However, all that prosperity goes to their heads allowing pride and arrogance to come back. Then humbling challenges such as war or famine make an appearance to help them get to a humble and repentant state. It repeats over and over, and over through the scriptures. Sometimes I catch myself feeling irritated or frustrated with these people, only to reflect that my pride cycle may be even shorter in duration (between humility and pride that is). Fortunately for us there are two instances shared with us about when the pride cycle was broken.
The first is found in the first chapter of Alma as Alma the Younger becomes the first chief judge in the land as well as the high priest over the church. Most of the chapter details the second of the infamous anti-Christ's detailed in the Book of Mormon, Nehor. He introduces priestcraft and attempts to enforce by the sword and ends up killing Gideon. There is quite the uproar and flash of apostasy among the people until Alma resolves the issue and reinforces teaching the gospel. As is common after a "trial", they make note that they are humble. Yet we start to see the warning signs right after in verse 29. "And thus they did establish the affairs of the church; and thus they began to have continual peace again, notwithstanding all their persecutions. 29 And now, because of the steadiness of the church they began to be exceedingly rich, having abundance of all things whatsoever they stood in need—an abundance of flocks and herds, and fatlings of every kind, and also abundance of grain, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious things, and abundance of silk and fine-twined linen, and all manner of good homely cloth."- Uh-oh, all the classic signs leading to pride, however...
"30 And thus, in their prosperous circumstances, they did not send away any who were naked, or that were hungry, or that were athirst, or that were sick, or that had not been nourished; and they did not set their hearts upon riches; therefore they were liberal to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, whether out of the church or in the church, having no respect to persons as to those who stood in need. 31 And thus they did prosper and become far more wealthy than those who did not belong to their church."
How did they do it? Charity, love, and humility.
A similar situation is found in 4 Nephi 1:7,10, 15-16. After Christ's visitation to the Americas, a peace and righteousness permeated the land for hundreds of years. Despite the warning signs of prosperity, we find in verses 15-16 that "there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness; and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God."
How did they do it? Love, righteousness, and humility.
Whatever the chains that bind us and our families are made of (addiction, abuse, or even just contention or casualness in the gospel), those very same tools can be utilized to break the chains. We watch as King Lamoni not only converts to the gospel, but then goes on to influence thousands of his people. I'm not saying it's easy. Breaking any pattern from bad habit to full addiction is work, but it is work that can be done hand in hand with the Savior.
Some chains and cycles are passed down through the generations, but all it takes is one person to make the choice to break away. That's doesn't mean it's easy, just that it is possible through Christ. Two examples of breaking the pride cycle in particular stand out to me in the Book of Mormon. I can't remember how many Sunday School lessons mentioned or rather warned us about the pride cycle.
The first is found in the first chapter of Alma as Alma the Younger becomes the first chief judge in the land as well as the high priest over the church. Most of the chapter details the second of the infamous anti-Christ's detailed in the Book of Mormon, Nehor. He introduces priestcraft and attempts to enforce by the sword and ends up killing Gideon. There is quite the uproar and flash of apostasy among the people until Alma resolves the issue and reinforces teaching the gospel. As is common after a "trial", they make note that they are humble. Yet we start to see the warning signs right after in verse 29. "And thus they did establish the affairs of the church; and thus they began to have continual peace again, notwithstanding all their persecutions. 29 And now, because of the steadiness of the church they began to be exceedingly rich, having abundance of all things whatsoever they stood in need—an abundance of flocks and herds, and fatlings of every kind, and also abundance of grain, and of gold, and of silver, and of precious things, and abundance of silk and fine-twined linen, and all manner of good homely cloth."- Uh-oh, all the classic signs leading to pride, however...
"30 And thus, in their prosperous circumstances, they did not send away any who were naked, or that were hungry, or that were athirst, or that were sick, or that had not been nourished; and they did not set their hearts upon riches; therefore they were liberal to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, whether out of the church or in the church, having no respect to persons as to those who stood in need. 31 And thus they did prosper and become far more wealthy than those who did not belong to their church."
How did they do it? Charity, love, and humility.
A similar situation is found in 4 Nephi 1:7,10, 15-16. After Christ's visitation to the Americas, a peace and righteousness permeated the land for hundreds of years. Despite the warning signs of prosperity, we find in verses 15-16 that "there was no contention in the land, because of the love of God which did dwell in the hearts of the people. And there were no envyings, nor strifes, nor tumults, nor whoredoms, nor lyings, nor murders, nor any manner of lasciviousness; and surely there could not be a happier people among all the people who had been created by the hand of God."
How did they do it? Love, righteousness, and humility.
Whatever the chains that bind us and our families are made of (addiction, abuse, or even just contention or casualness in the gospel), those very same tools can be utilized to break the chains. We watch as King Lamoni not only converts to the gospel, but then goes on to influence thousands of his people. I'm not saying it's easy. Breaking any pattern from bad habit to full addiction is work, but it is work that can be done hand in hand with the Savior.
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