Dating can be fun, exciting, and really adventurous. And it can also be nerve-wracking, scary, and hard. So many people tell me "just enjoy this stage" or "relax and have fun" and sometimes that helps me let go and brave this whole wide world of dating. Other times, it just frustrates me. Just since I graduated high school I have watched the path of dating become increasingly steep. Now when I start to talk about this subject, I need to first establish that I'm not bashing or blaming anyone. It's a cop-out to say that "men are just lazy" or "women are too demanding", etc; not only is it fairly untrue, it's demeaning and only serves to worsen the gap between the sexes. Somehow we already find ourselves in a society that pits the sexes against each other in a pseudo battle for who is the "best", as if by making one seem inferior the other is thereby superior. I refuse to be part of it. I refuse to sit silently while the media jabbers on and drives us further apart.
Recently I was discussing with several wonderful friends of mine the situation we find ourselves in--the young single adult generation in a family-centered religion in a society that is attacking the family in full force. It shouldn't be surprising that the attacks are starting before we even form our own families- the temptations and obstacles start very early in the dating process. In our frustration it is easy to say "what is wrong with men these days?", but even as it comes out of our mouths we know that the real thought each of us have is "what is wrong with me?" Therein lies the primary temptation I believe that Satan is employing against Latter-day Saint women; this idea that we are not enough, that we have to do more and do it better leaves many sisters frustrated with themselves. Living in a society focused on "empowering" women, many of the pressures actually do the opposite as we feel we can never measure up. As we seek to understand the scripture stating that we are saved "after all we can do", it is easy to place incredible pressure on ourselves and create overly high expectations if we forgot to factor in the grace of the Savior. And by factor in, I mean realize that it makes all the difference in every possible way.
In speaking with my guy friends and reflecting on recent dating, I've also realized that while the temptations and challenges for men are just as real and strong, they seem to be very different than what is plaguing Mormon women. While I'm sure feelings of inadequacy are an issue, we see the pressure for men to "relax" and "live life before settling down". For some that means traveling and having adventures. For others that means ignoring any coaxing to date seriously and to just date for fun. And still others lose themselves in a world of virtual reality as they seek to fulfill those heroic protector roles. If the world is telling women to "go full throttle", it's in part telling men to be content to just float along. Both are incredibly destructive to serious dating, forming relationships and eventually to marriage and starting families.
Men- we need you! Not perfection or constant adventure or wealth... just you. Women- give yourselves a break sometimes. This post is by no means a definitive study on LDS dating, just some thoughts. But lest I fall into the trap of randomly throwing out opinions on the internet without any action (who does that?), I'm working on what I'm going to change. For so long I've lived by the idea that I can only control myself and my actions (which is mostly true), but sometimes have neglected to recognize how much I can affect others. I can stop making comments like "what's wrong with men?" or "men are so frustrating" etc. I know I can do more to build you up, to praise your efforts, and support you in any and all good endeavors. I'm going to cut myself a break...sometimes, and remember that I just need to be me, not some superhero (because obviously we know that most superheros have commitment issues and tend to brood a lot when they aren't saving the world). So enough of that!
The dating struggle is real, but it doesn't have to be forever if we'll all work to support and encourage one another. I'll report on my progress.
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