Slow Down A Little

Tis the season for family gatherings and festive parties, thoughtful gifts and expressions of love. But it also seems to be the season of forceful opinions, blowout sales, and blaring contradictions. Added to the mix is the bombardment of news, opinions, and controversary over recent events. I just had the pleasure and privilege of spending Thanksgiving with my family- something that I am learning to no longer take for granted the older I get. With the time I had to relax and reflect, I couldn't help but puzzle over all the "busy"ness of this time of year. About now, you are revving up (or just starting) your holiday preparations, making lists of who you need to shop for, holiday parties to attend, and all those things. It's easy to get caught up in all the things to do, particularly if we have a responsibility to make sure Christmas joy is spread around (in your family, at church, a work position, etc). And not all of that is bad- I am so grateful for those who put in a lot of effort and time to make this season wonderful/extra special for their children, co-workers, and friends.

But this year, may I offer just one suggestion for the season?

Simplify and slow down.

Now that will look different for each of us. For some that may be turning down a few invitations to events to spend more time with the family. Others may shift from elaborate presents to more simple gifts. Still others will seek more opportunities to provide service and acts of compassion in place of outright gifts. Perhaps we can reduce our time on social media if it is detracting from our true priorities. One that has been forefront in my mind is to limit or reserve judgement on certain issues in the media until I more fully understand and can step back to consider the issue from other perspectives. For example (and just in my opinion, obviously), the recent debate over the refugees has brought out some really strong opinions, many facts, and more than a few misconceptions. It's not a black and white issue. It's not just about mercy and compassion, just as it's not only about defense and security. It's my hope this holiday season, whatever holiday or celebration that might be for you, that we slow down enough to consider another perspective, to evaluate our priorities, and to simplify.

Missed You Today

Dearest,

I missed you today. Just when I think I've figured it out, coped, dealt with it...whatever you want to call it, this weight called grief keeps shifting. Some days it's simply a puzzle piece on my background while every once in awhile it overwhelms anything and everything else. Most days now I function normally-- the curled-up-in-bed days are long ago...mostly. I go to work, hit the gym, socialize, volunteer, read new books, call my mom or sisters just to chat, all without falling apart or losing track of time mindlessly. Whenever I meet someone with your name there is a little twinge and a pause before I say, " I like your name..." or "One of my...friend's name is...". Twinges are mostly what I would call it these days, like the way a fresh scar pulls as the skin heals, except it's all around my heart with bandages of caution nudging me when someone new crosses the threshold. I've worked through the baggage of "everyone leaves me!" and "I'm just not going to love anyone again!", but the touch of caution remains. I know now that people do leave and disappoint, but that's okay because they also stay and surprise you too. I've learned that my capacity to love is vast and always maturing.

Along the way I discovered that the steps of grief are not chronological or neatly organized. Not at all. Usually they are all jumbled together, overlapping, fighting for dominance one day and fading away the next. Acceptance is supposed to be the “last stage”, however that continues to evolve as well. I’ve accepted that you’re not here today. And tomorrow and next week. But somehow my mind has yet to fully comprehend that for the rest of my mortal life you will not return. That place of hope tied to faith that I will see you again after this life constantly leaks into the pleading wish for just one more moment with you today. Sometimes I get little moments of feeling so close to you, like standing next to a window with the shades down- I can feel the warmth but the light can't quite make it through. Maybe gratitude is really the last stage, when I can transform the moments of sadness, anger, and loss into reminders that at least I had you in my life. Thank you for that.

Tonight I'm going to the wedding of a friend and I don't feel like I'll come home and cry. I feel like dancing and laughing. Maybe there will be a few twinges, a little ache when they have their first dance, but that's alright.

Well, I just wanted to say I missed you today.

All my love,
Kristi

Link to A Hero's Stone and to last years reflections.

The Challenge To Become

Just yesterday in sacrament meeting, several newly returned missionaries and recent converts bore their testimonies. I love the enthusiasm, energy, and perspective they have- in fact I am so grateful for it! But for just a moment, I felt a twinge of envy. This November marks two years (!!!!) since I returned from my mission and while I know I am doing good things and working hard, sometimes I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be or rather, where I'm expected to be. But the Spirit reassured me with the thought that as long as I'm progressing and staying close to the Lord, I'm doing what I should do. One of the adversary's most effective tools against those who are righteously striving is discouragement and despair- by telling us that we are forever falling short, he stunts our growth and holds us back. I am reminded of the words of Elder Holland, "Don't you quit! You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon.Some come late, and some don't come till heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God, and believe in good things to come."

Just in my studies this morning while reading Elder Kim B Clark's talk from this last conference, this statement really stood out to me- "We do not have to be perfect, but we need to be good and getting better." And that reminded me of a talk by Elder Oaks- " The Challenge To Become" in which he reminds us that, " in contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something." Sometimes, it takes a bit to get out of the mindset of thinking that if we just know more or work harder then we'll be "successful". But that's not necessarily true. We are successful when we are constantly learning, progressing, and truly becoming new creatures in Christ.

My dad (being the wonderfully smart man that he is) always used to shake his head when people said the mission was "the best two years". When I would ask why, he explained that he loved his mission, worked hard, grew a lot, etc, that those two years were the best...up to that point in his life. But after that, the next two years were the best...so far, as he met and married my mom. He would remind me that if we are living the gospel as our Heavenly Father intends, we will keep progressing and growing in the gospel. That is not to say that every year will be full of happiness and devoid of trouble because we all know that the conditions of mortality include opposition. The gospel is not merely a series of steps (faith, repentance, baptism/covenants, Holy Ghost, and enduring), but it is also a staircase that leads us higher and deeper as we consistently live the principles of the gospel and keep the commandments.

So while maybe today I feel like a caterpillar, or sand, or coal, with a little time and more than a little pressure, one day I can become a butterfly, a pearl or a diamond. And I can be happy right now in the process.