Missed You Today

Dearest,

I missed you today. Just when I think I've figured it out, coped, dealt with it...whatever you want to call it, this weight called grief keeps shifting. Some days it's simply a puzzle piece on my background while every once in awhile it overwhelms anything and everything else. Most days now I function normally-- the curled-up-in-bed days are long ago...mostly. I go to work, hit the gym, socialize, volunteer, read new books, call my mom or sisters just to chat, all without falling apart or losing track of time mindlessly. Whenever I meet someone with your name there is a little twinge and a pause before I say, " I like your name..." or "One of my...friend's name is...". Twinges are mostly what I would call it these days, like the way a fresh scar pulls as the skin heals, except it's all around my heart with bandages of caution nudging me when someone new crosses the threshold. I've worked through the baggage of "everyone leaves me!" and "I'm just not going to love anyone again!", but the touch of caution remains. I know now that people do leave and disappoint, but that's okay because they also stay and surprise you too. I've learned that my capacity to love is vast and always maturing.

Along the way I discovered that the steps of grief are not chronological or neatly organized. Not at all. Usually they are all jumbled together, overlapping, fighting for dominance one day and fading away the next. Acceptance is supposed to be the “last stage”, however that continues to evolve as well. I’ve accepted that you’re not here today. And tomorrow and next week. But somehow my mind has yet to fully comprehend that for the rest of my mortal life you will not return. That place of hope tied to faith that I will see you again after this life constantly leaks into the pleading wish for just one more moment with you today. Sometimes I get little moments of feeling so close to you, like standing next to a window with the shades down- I can feel the warmth but the light can't quite make it through. Maybe gratitude is really the last stage, when I can transform the moments of sadness, anger, and loss into reminders that at least I had you in my life. Thank you for that.

Tonight I'm going to the wedding of a friend and I don't feel like I'll come home and cry. I feel like dancing and laughing. Maybe there will be a few twinges, a little ache when they have their first dance, but that's alright.

Well, I just wanted to say I missed you today.

All my love,
Kristi

Link to A Hero's Stone and to last years reflections.