Dating Disasters

Everyone likes giving relationship advice- single, married, somewhere in between- we all have something to say. But can we just stop that? I mean it. If I hear "you'll find him when you least expect it" or  "don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right", or "you're too picky" one more time I might do something drastic. I know you mean well, I really do. But when you say those things, it belittles what I'm still feeling- loneliness, frustration,  hurt, rejection, etc.

For a woman who has a lot of love to give and truly enjoys giving and loving others, I've spent a lot of time being single. And as that kind of woman I do seek out opportunities to meet people and form meaningful relationships. I attend singles activities, have tried online dating...multiple times, let friends set me up with their brothers, cousins, best friend's uncle's neighbor!!!, try new activities, and also focus on pursuing my individual interests and passions. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Grrrr.

Today was the latest in a long line of dating failures. I'll spare you the details except to say that the man pulled a 180 on me- from respectful and engaging on the first date to pushy and inappropriate today. I hate to quote this song, but "where have all the good men gone?". I seem to find two extremes- those uninterested or lacking enough confidence to make a real move or those only focused on a physical relationship. Really?? I hate to generalize. I hate to stereotype men, but with only a handful of exceptions, those who can prove me wrong have yet to appear in my almost 9 years in the serious single dating world. There is a funny youtube video called the "Wife Zone Chart" which hilariously describes the combination of traits that make a good wife. And then there is a clever rebuttal video from a woman's perspective here- make sure to watch to the very end. I can't say that I agree much with either, but at this point in the post maybe you are as frustrated as I and need to laugh.

I don't think I'm looking for a Mary Poppins among men- "practically perfect in every way", just a good man. A few key traits and almost everything else can be worked out. Faith- Believe in God first and foremost. Have a testimony and a continuing conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Believe in yourself- in all your potential and capabilities. Believe in  and trust me. Committment- just being committed to working through issues, caring enough about the relationship to put in the time and effort and sacrifices necessary to create a solid relationship. Communication- just tell me what you think and feel, where your boundaries and sore spots are, and what you need from a relationship. Don't lie to me or lead me on. Respect- listen to me when I'm trying to communicate, show proper respect despite a disagreement or different opinion, respect my thoughts, feelings, space, and physical body in thought and in deed. I'm willing to work hard too, to be committed and respectful, full of faith and respect. Does that sound far-fetched? Am I being demanding and unreasonable? I refuse to throw up my hands and say "whatever, who cares anyway" because it does matter. I refuse to turn my frustration around and blame men for all my dating woes- I'm sure I have room for improvement. I refuse to give up hope, yet I don't know where to turn next. Anything worth having is worth working for, right? I might need power tools for this job.

Stop Waiting

Yesterday I went to the temple to do a group of sealings. I arrived mid-afternoon in the middle of the week so I knew to expect a bit of a wait while they worked to put together a group for the sealings. While they did so, they had me wait in this beautiful waiting area- you know, where you normally wait before you go into a live sealing. I sat there for quite awhile thinking, praying, and pondering. One clear impression I received (and now want to share with you my lucky readers) was to...stop waiting. Recently I've had the feeling that I'm waiting for something, that something is coming, etc. Now, don't misunderstand me. Too often we shrug off nagging thoughts and feelings when they are really impressions and promptings. The impression to "stop waiting" doesn't change my previous feelings on what is happening in my life, but it does provide clarity and direction on how I need to move forward. As those thoughts came to me while I solitarily sat in the sealing waiting room, I remembered a part of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, The Places You'll Go". The part about the waiting place (click here for the original text) and so I've taken some creative liberty with that passage for the purposes of this post and LDS YSA life.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for the chance to go

or 5 o'clock to come, or a plane to go

or the date to come, or the relationship to flow

or the diamond ring, or the bridal glow

or the waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their belly to show.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting through the dark for daylight

or waiting for their career to take flight

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for a man named Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Big Break

or a new calling or a pair of home teachers

or a heart to mend, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

The problem with this waiting place, in the story and our lives, is that when it's like this there is no growth or progression- only stagnation. Of course there will be times in our lives, times of transition, times of needing patience before the next step or event. However, those times we do not have to merely wait. Waiting is such a passive term which reminds me of doctor's offices and DMV lines. As I pondered this yesterday another word was suggested- preparing. To prepare, according to Merriam-Webster, is "1)to make (someone or something) ready for some activity, purpose, use, etc. 2) to make yourself ready for something that you will be doing, something that you expect to happen, etc. 3) to make or create (something) so that it is ready for use". Words like "make, create, ready, purpose" all suggest a very active role in the process. So I'm making a resolution, a promise to myself to stop waiting for what might come or be, to stop waiting thinking it will change, to just stop waiting and to start preparing, to keep moving forward toward goals and to keep progressing. Dr. Seuss recognized this too as he continued...

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying

You'll find the bright places

where [music of your heart is] playing.