The Bend in the Road

Welcome back! Ok, you probably never went anywhere, but I've been shamefully neglectful. I started half a dozen posts over these past five or six months, but then left them half-finished. But today I have some free time I will use productively (along with the keeping of my resolutions!-going strong still : )



A favorite poem of mine explains some of this time for me:

The Bend in the Road

When we feel we have nothing left to give

And we are sure that the song has ended,

When our day seems over and the shadows fall

And the darkness of night has descended,

Where can we go to find the strength

To valiantly keep on trying?

Where can we find the hand that will dry

The tears that the heart is crying?

There's but one place to go and that is to God,

And dropping all pretence and pride,

We can pour out our problems without restraint

And gain strength with Him at our side.

And together we stand at life's cross roads

And view what we think is the end,

But God has a much bigger vision,

And He tells us it's only a bend.

For the road goes on and is smoother,

And the pause in the song is a rest,

And the part that's unsung and unfinished

Is the sweetest and richest and best.

So rest and relax and grow stronger

Let go and let God share your load.

Your work is not finished or ended

You've just come to a bend in the road.

Helen Steiner Rice

I kept telling myself that I would wait until I knew exactly what I was actually doing, but isn't that a conundrum in itself? You can't always wait to figure out the future--you have to step forward and embrace it. I mentioned last August that I had turned a 180 from the direction I had so carefully planned out for myself, which included BYU, marrying Brother Charming before graduating, and settling down to start a family. Sounded like a good plan right? But the Master Planner had a better one. So I came back to Indiana with my family. I've worked as a waitress and a substitute teacher (both of which will get an exciting post), gained a beautiful neice ( Lily should have her own blog, but I will definitely give her a post), and after much preparation and an abundance of tender mercies, drumroll please......................

SUBMITTED MY MISSION PAPERS!!!!!!!



As much as I love missionary work and have been involved with it my entire life, I was surprised last summer when I felt the prompting to prepare. Yet with a bit more reflection, I can look back and see the host of experiences that have prepared me specifically for this service. So the game plan: catch you up a little on my work of the past few months, post on Lily, and then transition both of us to mission mode, in which I will be posting letters here on this very blog. So hang in here with me! And a beautiful song that Hilary Weeks just released--just for you.

Moments That Makes Us- 100th Post

There are moments in our lives that make us, change us, shape us into the individuals we become. Some we know instantly while others are only found upon reflection. Moments like these are frozen in time, etched into our souls leaving marks for all who get close enough to see.

In celebration of my 100th post after eleven months of blogging I thought long and hard about what I wanted to post for this. I want to post this for me, for the memories and events that have changed me. And I want to post this for you, my readers, for believing in me, for following my journey thus far--so I'm sharing a bit more of my soul with you.
With my ear hovering over the vent, counting the seconds, waiting for the cries to fade. Suddenly I'm off the floor, out my door, creeping down the stairs, sneaking until I'm standing over the crib. And then he's in my short little arms looking up at me. I'm singing and rocking him back and forth, thinking that this must be what love feels like. I hold him until we both fall asleep.

Holding my chest tightly so breathing doesn't hurt so badly, I let the tears hit the pillow softly. Hoping that no one hears, that no one ask any more questions about the bruises. Afraid to close my eyes again because I know the nightmare will come back, afraid to let myself relive it over and over again. Angry at the hurt, angry that I don't know how to deal with it. Deciding to be stronger for tomorrow, deciding to distract myself so I won't dream anymore, deciding to never get hurt again.

Small inked letters cover the pages- lined, blank, even the back of take-out menus. Written in waiting moments, hastily scrawled to capture the thoughts, others carefully penned. Sealed with a promise, scented with Sunflower, kept sacred in a box beside my bed. Just words if read alone. Love if read all together. Not to be opened til the first day of forever.

Kneeling next to the fresh mound with the shots still ringing in the air. Numb to the spreading heartache, no words are adequate, no tears will help. The flag neatly folded as if to wrap up the grief neatly. Silence. Then his voice in my head telling me to get up, start walking...keep living.

Standing in front of the small class, pausing one last moment before I start teaching. Looking into their faces- young, nervous, excited- a mirror of myself. From all across the country, we sit together laughing, learning, discussing. As the words come tumbling out, there is no way I could have predicted it to be the beginning of the most amazing journey. No way that I could know that these people will become my examples, my heroes, my best friends.

I stare up at him, into those liquid pools of chocolate that have captured my heart, while the moon is high and the evening wraps around us as if to separate us from the world. His smile reminding me of all the laughter, the shared secrets, the trust built between two people. My palms are damp and my heart drumming to the beat of those three little words slipping out of my mouth. Words that change everything. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats.
Then the shattering.

Driving faster than legal, hot tears burning my cheeks, angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yelling, screaming, in my empty car, no one listening to me, then the explaining and placating. But I realize that while others are angry, mine is different- my anger won't go away, sets me apart. Then face-to-face, hugs, and getting to work unloading. Holding all the emotions in check so I can support the family. Being where they need me to be. But I'm alone-lost and drifting.

A tentative smile and falsely cheerful tone, unsure of what to say or not to say. Hugging him, feeling the prickly stubble, smelling the familiar smoke. Asking about the game, the Packers or the Steelers, and he wished me a happy birthday. A kiss on the cheek and whispered "I love you". One last look at the black licorice and John Wayne movies and at the shadow of a man, not sure if it will be the last time. And it was.

Adjusting the veil a bit, smoothing her skirt to gain a second to hide my tears on my best friend's happiest day. Remembering all the late night talks, long distance phone calls, the notes of encouragement, the friendship that has saved me. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

Blog Nominations

Throughout the course of this semester, I've been following the blogs of my Digital Civilization classmates. And I think I've gotten closer to these classmates than any other class before- because we've opened up in our blogs beyond our assignments and gone through this whole experience together. So I just wanted to highlight some of my favorite posts/ blogs. And hopefully you, my dear reader, will explore them for yourselves.


Historical Context: My first pick is Dalton's blog, From Woodchips. Dalton does a great job diving into history and finding the unique and interesting thins. For instance, check out this post on McCarthyism. And this one on Darwin. Yeah, it's a lot of fun.






Computing Context: My pick for this one is also one of my favorite blogs, Maggie's!!! Maggie is an older student here on campus- an Army wife, married for 28 years to her best friend and the mother of 3 grown children. She is truly an inspiration. I've loved watching her excitement in discovering new tools and then sharing them with others. Check out this post to see what I mean!






Self-directed learning: My classmate, Ariel, has been a great example on examining her modes of learning as well as correcting her mistakes. It's shown throughout her entire blog, but especially in her reflective posts 1 and 2. Way to go Ariel!