Some Dreams Are a Little Too Real

Have you ever woken up, rather jolted out of a dream? Have you ever gone back to sleep just to figure out how it ends, to find the key, to grasp that one detail you need when you wake up? I've always been a dreamer, literally and figuratively. I have really vivid dreams and I tend to remember them long after I wake up. Now, I don't believe dreams are psychic visions, but I also believe they can contain truth and knowledge our conscious brain may not have full access to. Last night's dream may forever be imprinted on my memory.


There was this beautiful baby girl, more perfect than any I've ever encountered. And I've seen a lot of babies being an older sibling, a babysitter, a nanny, a friend, etc and I love them. Never have I found a baby I would call unattractive, but this baby was exquisite. Dark curly hair and deep blue eyes- eyes that will one day become green and gold. She had this adorable half smile and as she looked up at me while I rocked and fed her it was as though she was speaking to my soul. And I was singing to her, a lullaby I made up and can barely remember now that I'm awake. For a moment I raised her up and looked up at her only to realize she didn't have a name yet. So I went back to rocking her, mentally going through the baby name list I've made over the years. Not a Kelly Anne or an Emilee Nicole. Not Anne Marie or Nancy Rae. I woke up panicking that I didn't know her name so I did what every sane woman would do. I went back to sleep to figure it out.

This picture really doesn't do her justice.

Her name is Brooklyn Rose.

Letter to Me

Recently for an assignment I wrote a letter to myself as an eight year-old. It was an interesting experience- both what I wrote and the journey of reliving some childhood experiences. But it was also a cathartic exercise, so I wanted to share some of what I wrote. Please don't take any of this personally.

"Right now you've decided that everyone will eventually disappoint or even abandon you. People aren't perfect dear, not adults, not parents, not even you. People make mistakes, disappoint you- especially people you love. But not everyone will let you down, not everyone will hurt you, not everyone will put the responsibility on your shoulders and leave. Kristi, you need to know that it's okay to not get everything right, to mess up and try again. You're allowed to say that you're struggling, hurt, angry...it's part of the process.... You need to allow people to see the vulnerable part of you or they will never really know you...

Try not to wait for what you expected and instead love what you're given. It may not be the timetable you had in mind, but Heavenly Father is the master planner. Let go a little bit and trust more- it's worth it in the end."

Interesting to realize that some of that I still need to hear and some of it I needed to be able to admit. Upon my graduation a couple years ago, a sweet lady gave me an interesting book- What I Know Now, a book of powerful women writing to their younger selves. It's worth a look.

What would you tell yourself looking back? What wisdom have you gained over the years?

Unspoken: A Poetry Sneak Peek

As mentioned in my last post, my first volume of poetry is now available at Barnes and Noble. And I'm excited to announce that my second volume (even better than the first, in my opinion) is coming out in two weeks! So to all my loyal blog friends I wanted to give you a sneak peak.

Unspoken

There is a shadow lurking
in my blossoming garden and
tea parties in the park.
Under my willow tree and
slipping into the tepid pool.
Just hidden in plain sight,
taunting my pain to the
Explosion point.

There is a doubt lingering
in my freshly scrubbed kitchen,
tinting my counters bright white.
In my clean laundry basket,
all the shades become drab.
Stabbing at my heart,
Tearing at my walls.

An emptiness leaves an ache
in it’s hole, unfilled by the
trappings of daily life.
Words fall away,
losing meaning on the way down.
An unspoken pain untouched
by medicine or casts.
Open wounds gaping
vulnerable to thrown salt.

Unspotted walls, orderly floors,
silence emptying the rooms,
filling my nightmares
while small laughter and
muddy prints haunt my
daydreams relentlessly.
Yearning for sleepless nights
and exhausting days.

Playgrounds, grocery stores,
daily walks must be prepared for;
a smile sewn on,
a protective layer between me and them.
Their excitement and frazzled looks,
pitying me.
Unaware of the uphill climb.

There is a shadow lurking.
Here is the lingering doubt.

Carl Bloch, Conference, and Congrats!

It will come as no surprise to those who know me when I say that I am not artistically gifted. I have many talents, but art is not one of them so I love LOVE studying those you are artistically inclined. Sometimes I study certain artists or art movements, but I tend to frequent the BYU Museum of Art exhibits whenever possible. In fact, last year I shared my favorite painting from there in this post. This year at the museum a special exhibit is showcasing the work of Carl Bloch (1834-1890), a religious painter, including 5 large alter pieces and numerous smaller works. I went with some friends this last week and spent almost two hours studying and learning about these masterpieces. Many of his works are familiar in to Christianity such as:I especially love this second one entitled, Christ Healing the Sick At Bethesda. I learned some of the meanings within the painting, such as the man in the red cap sitting between the waters of men and the Living Water of Christ looking back as if decided which to trust. And the man almost hidden behind Christ who has no legs, but has his hands in his shoes in an attempt to pull himself to the water. Are we willing to work that hard for what we really want? I know I want to. To see more of Carl Bloch's works or to see the exhibit, check out the website.

Also, this weekend was one of my favorites of the year as it was our annual conference weekend in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For two days, in five different sessions, our beloved prophet and apostles (the leaders of our church) speak to the worldwide membership about the challenges we face and the principles and practices we should improve upon. To learn more about this conference and to listen to various talks check out this site. This talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, one of my favorite apostles, is an excellent talk.

Finally, I want to extend some congratulations. First to myself: My first volume of poetry is now available at Barnes and Noble website entitled Journeys of the Soul. The first volume deals mostly with achieving dreams, inspiration, and believing in yourself. The second volume will be coming shortly dealing more with loss and hardship. All poems are available individually as well! Yeah!

But mostly, I want to send out congrats to my best friend, Emilee, on her recent engagement to the her perfect man, Hunter. I was able to meet him for the first time this weekend and spend time with her for the first time since Christmas (since she lives in AZ)!!! Best 4 hours I've had in a long long time. Back to Emilee. Sweet, loving, intelligent, funny, and a fantastic listener, she deserves the best. I had feared that upon her engagement I would be sad, mourning the loss of my best friend to that wonderful institution of marriage. But instead, upon hearing the news I was overwhelmingly overjoyed for her!!! They have set the date as July 8th and I will be going down for it--I'm already counting down. Congrats Emilee!

1950's Films: Style With Purpose

Number 18 on my list is to watch my list of classic films, the entirety of which I will not clutter up space with right now. The first two on my list happened to both be films from the 50's, 12 Angry Men and The African Queen. Both of which I highly recommend. Henry Fonda stars in the 1957 drama of 12 Angry Men about a jury deliberating over a murder trial. 11 men say he's guilty on the first vote and one man says he's not sure and wants to talk it through first. Slowly Fonda introduces doubt into the jurors to the point that a previously slam dunk conviction became a unanimous innocent verdict. Humphrey Bogart and Katharine Hepburn star in The African Queen (54) about a riverboat captain and a missionary in Africa at the beginning of WWI who decide to torpedo a German ship. Like witty banter? This is the classic hate-love story of opposites attracting with hilarious arguments and great repartee.

On the surface both of these films are surprisingly simple. 12 Angry Men takes place in mostly one room, the jury room, in black and white. No explosions or car chases-- just 12 men in one room debating and arguing. And the African Queen takes place on one boat, with mainly two people in the African jungle. Yet somehow in both movies I was spellbound; the simplicity transformed the final effect into something complex and profound. Twelve men from all different backgrounds come together to discuss life and death in a very immediate and personal way. It was stunning to watch as one by one, each man was persuaded to see the reasonable doubt from their various perspectives. How often when we come together do we give each other the opportunity to explain our perceptions? The movie was less about one boy on trial in New York City and more about each one of us judging each other- putting our neighbors on trial and convicting them without hearing the defense. And in the African Queen, it was beautiful to watch two people fall in love while stuck on a boat. There were no fancy dinners or roses, no poetry, no other contending suitors-no other people really or cute dates. How often do we make dating about the things we do rather than the people we do them with? (Hint: Men- we don't want roses and steak. When we love you, even when we just like you, we just want you.)

Today in movies everything is larger than life- Transformers, seven minute long car chases, the magical look and boom! you're in love moments, Tron, double double crossings and secret identities. Most movies today are about the special effects- how big, how bad can you make it? But isn't film supposed to provoke thought and re-evaluation of some aspect, more than our cars or if our neighbor might be CIA....? Now, I'm not even close to finishing my film list and I wouldn't call myself an expert on 1950's films, but somehow I think the minimalist style makes the viewer do the bulk of the thinking work with subtle hints and unsaid ideas. What do you think?

Watch for my adventure into the artwork of Carl Bloch and my exploration into quilting coming soon!

Operation Amazon Warrior

I am a strong woman. No apologies for that. Recently, a friend on mine recommended a book, The List, that gave me an idea. In the book, the woman makes a list of things to do before she gets married to prevent herself from marrying too young and (in her mind) not living her own life. That's not my worry. My list is to keep me preoccupied from being lonely and it has already proven to be interesting.( And this is separate from my overall bucket list) So here it is.

- Live alone in an apartment/house
- Learn how to change a tire and basic car maintenance
- Own my own tool set
- Have a dog
- Learn how to make sushi
- Run a marathon
- Learn basic figure skating tricks
- Learn “ I love you” in 50 languages (working on it)
- Learn to play the piano fluently
- Go skydiving
- Go bungee jumping
- Visit the Seven Wonders of the World
- Visit Disney World
- Have my own garden
- Publish my book (almost there)
- Make my own quilts- jean quilt
- Read my classics list
- Watch classic and international films list (quite fascinating)
- Buy a great piece of art
- Invest in the stock market
- Watch the sunset on every coast in each country I visit
- See a Broadway play
- Attend a Yankees game
- Attend a Superbowl (incredibly difficult)
- Climb a volcano- Paricutin
- Ride a gondola in Venice

Wish me luck!

I Am A Survivor

Wow. What a month it has been since I last blogged! I'm not the kind of blogger to tell you about going to the zoo on Saturday or a bad day at work (even if I did have them) or all of my deep dark emotions. But, this past month- six weeks have been incredibly difficult. In fact, the past six months have quite possibly been the trial of my life so far. And I'm still alive to type about it. Point for me.

I'm sure many of you have been there-- that point when you think you have nothing left to give, or when you think the grief and anger cripple you so entirely you can't hold onto a happy thought. The days you get up and try to get ready only to crawl back into bed after your roommates have left for the day. And in all honesty, to all you fellow brave souls out there who are nodding at all the above sentiments, it's okay to admit that it's hard. I'm doing everything in my power to exercise faith and optimism, reading my scriptures, attending the temple, praying, etc and it is still hard. People ask how your day was and you hesitate, trying to decide if you should tell them that today was hard, just like yesterday, and that tomorrow will be difficult as well...it sounds negative, doesn't it? But let me tell you, admitting the bad and hard emotions is not a weakness, it's a strength. Having the courage to acknowledge that you are hurt or angry takes more courage than masking it all behind a false smile. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that one can't be optimistic in hard times, just not insincerely. I do not want to find myself in relationships where the entire range of emotions are not dealt with- where people want to find a quick fix to make everything ok instead of helping me work through it, where friends can be there for the triumphs but not for the tears. Now is not the day for fair-weather friends; life is too hard and short to spend alone and too beautiful and wonderful not to be shared, all of it. Now is the day when the rubber meets the road and you decide if you really believe it.

And guess what?
I do.

I believe that true love exists, that people are basically good, that we all make mistakes and all deserve forgiveness, that faith makes a difference, that prayers are heard, that gratitude is divine, that 19 year old young men around the world can change lives, that revelation to people like me and you is not only possible but a daily reality, and that all of these experiences are to instruct and stretch my soul. " The soul is like a violin string- it only makes music when stretched." To all you fighters out there- you are a survivor too.