Mr. Know It All

The new single by Kelly Clarkson just makes me happy. For all those people who feel the need to keep adding their two cents about my choices and my life- this one is for you. Especially for that one boy who thinks he has all the cards. If only you knew. . .

Two Sets of Footprints

Since I last wrote my whole life has done a 180, turning me in a direction that I never thought I'd go. With less than a year left of school til I have my teaching degree, I have just left my beloved Brigham Young University and moved back to Indiana. They say home is where the heart is and in all honesty my heart is bleeding all over Provo and the rest of Utah right now. In the catacombs of my library, the apartments of the residence halls, the concerts halls in the HFAC, the chem labs in the Benson, the quiet nooks of reflection in the JSB. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I will miss gathering at Nana's on weekends or holidays, going bowling with my cousins or just hanging out with them, talking to my aunts and uncles, and visiting the cemetery for those long heart to hearts I've made a habit of. And my heart aches for the friends I won't get to see for awhile. I've waited for over two years for my boys to come home only to leave within weeks of a reunion. But I hope I will be able to go back and visit soon.

The decision to move back to Indiana was made as one job, the wonderful job of being a nanny to adorable wonderful Jackson, ended and as the other jobs I applied for fell through. In the LDS religion, women can serve missions at the age of 21 if they aren't married, so that consideration is in the mix. But I balked at returning home for fear of losing my independence despite the money it would help me save for a mission and schooling. I considered joining the Marines, even did PT with a group of them for several weeks while I contemplated. Ultimately the choice was made with much prayer, fasting, and thought. Every plan I had concocted seemed to fall apart and I felt the Lord's voice telling me I needed to go a different direction. Maybe it was where I needed to go the whole time, but I needed to experience other things first. It reminds me of a talk given in the last general conference by Elder Christoffersonhttp://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-lohttp://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=engve-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=eng.

I often think about the story of the footprints in the sand. Looking back on his life, the man notices that at some of the more difficult parts of his life there was only one set of footprints in the sand. The Lord answers that those were the times he carried the man. Now, I fully admit that everything I do is because of my Heavenly Father, with his help and power, and with him nothing is impossible. But I hope you understand that when I look back on my life across the sand, I want to see two sets the whole way. I want to see patches of bloodstains, sand wet from tears, muddled spots where I slid around and tripped. I want to look back upon this life with the Lord at my side and say that I put everything I had into it- I pushed forward through the changes and the thorny patches, over the rocks, up the mountains, and down the valley of shadow. It is not that I do not want the Lord to carry me, but I think He will always guide me as I experience all that is required of me in mortality. This year has been a year of bloody footprints and tears, but I wouldn't want to erase the footprints in favor of nice, easy little steps. For it's what makes me stronger for the next challenge.

Sister Majorie Pay Hinckley once expressed similar sentiments:

" I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the tires from taking kids to scout camp. I want there to be a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors kids. I want to be there with a little dirt under my nails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know that I was really here and that I really lived."

Tidbit Thursday

A bit of genius trivia-
- Picasso finished one of his greatest paintings, Le Picador, at the age of 8.
- Shirley Temple won her first Academy Award at the age of 7.
-Ted Kaczynski, the famous killer was admitted into Harvard at the age of 16, went on to receive a PhD in mathematics and took a job as a professor at UC Berkeley by the age of 25.
- Yo-Yo Ma was performing for audiences at age 5 and had to stand on phone books to play his cello.
- Tiger Woods broke 80 by the age of eight on the golf course.
- Akrit Jawal came to fame by performing surgery at the age of 7. But before then- He skipped crawling as a baby and went straight to walking, was reading Shakespeare by the age of 5, and was in college by 12!
- British writer, Daniel Tammet, was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome years ago. Now he is 26, and a mathematical genius who can figure out cube roots quicker than a calculator and recall pi to 22,514 decimal places. But he also can't drive a car, wire a plug, or tell right from left.
-Judit Polgar achieved the title of Chess International Grandmaster at the age of 15, the youngest ever to do so at the time.
- Juana Inés de la Cruz learned how to read and write at the age of three. By age five, she could do accounts, and at age eight she composed a poem on the Eucharist. By adolescence, she had mastered Greek logic, and at age thirteen she was teaching Latin to young children. She also learned the Aztec language of Nahuatl and is the only woman on Mexican currency.

Discovering Caleb Blood

I've never really been the avant-garde person when it comes to new music and bands. I like all kinds of music- the kind I was raised on in Journey and Queen and Brooks and Dunn. I love dance music of all kinds that send me spinning around the floor. I love the music I listen to when I'm sad or lonely, excited or happy, thoughtful and nostalgic, and even angry music. So when a good friend of mine introduced me to a new local artist I was, well, less than interested. But I listened to be polite and discovered the genius that is Caleb Blood. Here are two of his songs that I absolutely love!! Please enjoy and tell your friends!

Playing It Safe

We all do it. Yes, even you. Sometimes we play it safe. Of course we pretend that we don't, we avert our eyes, hold our breath, and hope that no one saw us do that in a world that promotes risk and passion. The optimist call it prudence, caution, or careful planning- which all sound great and organized until a realist calls you out on being guarded, uptight and down right scared. But who really wants to admit that they are scared? Sometimes it's being selfish, even a bit utilitarian, as we maximize our gains while minimizing our losses. Playing it safe is occasionally about doing what you want to do, regardless of what you think you should do because that sounds harder and probably is. And maybe it's not that we lack the courage for jumping, but the plain truth is that we've jumped many times before, as everyone else said we should, landed on the rocks and broken every bone, even shattered our heart.

The sad sad truth is that we do it more often than we think. In our education, our career, our relationships, in our everyday decision making. We tell only part of the truth because we think that they won't listen to it all, even though they really should hear it. We make dozens of back-up plans because we're terrified of being rejected so it ends up that we don't put all our efforts into Plan A. We keep our opinion to ourselves in a discussion or problem-solving chats because we're afraid people will think we're too bossy, know-it-all, stupid, mundane, or *insert your own adjective here. We keep people at arms length rather than letting them get inside our hearts because while proximity allows support and help, it makes us vulnerable to attack. Even the obvious one- picking the safe guy over the passionate one. And then we avert our eyes, hold our breath, and hope that no one was paying attention to your pansy decision making. Because in books, and television and movies, no one is ever safe. They blurt it all out, fight with their bosses, run after the bus, kiss their best friends, and get into their first choice schools or jobs. But if we step back- back into reality- we see that there is still a safety net there. It's not real. It will end and usually happily so it can make more money in the box office. But the consequences of risk are very real- unpaid bills, destroyed relationships, and sometimes lots of pain. As I'm sure you can tell by now- I don't know if I'm advocating playing it safe or risking it all. Someone once said, "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for." And a wise person answered back, "If you don't jump, you won't fall. But if you don't jump, you'll never soar."

I guess what I'm saying is that I need to take a leap of faith, be bold and daring, even just a little bit more. And keep building on that. And I think I'm saying that there is a time to hold your cards close to your chest, to pull back and put on all your armor. There is nothing wrong with being strong, independent, and wanting to protect yourself. But I think I will miss more of life if I don't open up, shout out my opinions, let people in, and fail miserably sometimes. So here's to figuring out when to do which!

Tidbit Thursday

I had to get back to my trivia and thanks to my love of the show "In Plain Sight" and Marshal's love of minutia, here is my next dose of random tidbits.

Van Gogh only sold one painting in his lifetime.
When Ghandi died, they found 5 gold coins in his intestines.
The hackey sack was invented in Turkey.
On average someone speaks 123 million words in their lifetime. And reads about 500 books.
A dentist invented the electric chair.
Canada actually means "big village" and is the second largest country after Russia.
No American presidents have been only children.
10% of the world is left-handed.
Mt. Everest grows 4 millimeters a year.
The Lone Ranger's real name was John Reid.
Spider webs were used to cure warts in the Middle Ages.
Lima beans contain cyanide.
Almonds are a member of the Peach family. What?
Wyoming was the first state to give women the vote.
Sigmund Freud was afraid of ferns.
A ball of steel actually bounces higher than rubber.

Love Story

"So, I’m sitting here at Denny’s near midnight on a Friday. Trying to find some quiet thinking space in my own head. Searching for the answers that I don’t have yet and I'm scared of never finding. At the same time, clinging almost desperately to that hope…the hope that we’ll be together again. In running out of the apartment tonight, he was the only thought keeping me calm. And writing down our story may be the only thing that can keep me sane for the next few months. I’m not writing this so we can remember, like Allie in The Notebook. Because our story is imprinted on my soul for the rest of eternity. I’m not writing to inform the world, because him and me knowing is all that matters. And I’m definitely not writing because I’m a hopeless romantic with long lonely nights to fill. Do you know how many love stories have been written? Written, told, passed down for generations. From ancient Greece to Verona Italy and to Andrew and Rachel Jackson’s enduring romance. I’ve found there are more types of love stories than Jelly Belly beans. Stories where love conquers insurmountable odds, or where unlikely people complete each other. Some from the female perspective, the male perspective, or both. Christian, western, Victorian, or modern. Young love, old love, mysterious love. Single parents, widows, and divorcees, the rich, the poor, the average, and the famous. It’s all been written. Stores and libraries have romance sections full of these stories. And more likely than not, most are just that- stories. This isn’t a story. It’s real. At least as real as the bustling restaurant where I’m sitting penning this. I could choose to leave my story untold like so many romances around the world. But I have to write it down. A little faith is all I’m asking for and in return you will find love. Pure, simple, eternal love. I’m writing because this story defines me. And him. And to some extent, many of the people in it.
I’m a writer by nature, so it feels good to write it all out. But this story is so personal, so me, that I’m putting my heart onto this page instead of ink. This isn’t an autobiography or a documentary, so I’ll leave out details that I deem irrelevant. Not story-truth, just absolute pure truth.
Now, where to begin? I suppose I could start at the beginning of time, since I know it started then. But I’ll only record the middle part of our story that touches on standard measurable time. Otherwise we’d have an encyclopedia on our hands. I’ll start by saying that we all have a love story. Familiar or romantic. Long or short, joyful or full of sorrow, complicated or simple, or somewhere in between it all. Francois de La Rouchefoucould once said, “There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand different versions.” Maybe we’re all just searching for our version. The one that makes us believe in magic, even after tragedy. The one that makes us want to become a better person if only to better love them. The one that makes the sun rise and is there to teach us how to deal with the night. But no matter what form love is for us, it can never be ordinary. Love itself is never ordinary. Maybe we are ordinary as individuals, or our lives are mundane, or it seems the plot of our life mirrors someone elses. But it is love that truly defines each of us, and since it can never be ordinary, neither are we. Every aspect of the way we love shapes and defines us. Some will tell you it’s clothes or money, or the collection of life experiences that give you an identity on some level. But in the end, no one writes on their headstone what designer they wore, or how much they were worth, or a list of all their awards and achievements. Nope. You see, “Beloved Wife and Mother” or “Loving Father and Friend” etc. Life is about love. It really is that simple. Sometimes in life we forget that. All we see are the bills every day in the mail, hear people screaming for our attention, and feel the weight of the world on every square inch of our bodies. I admit to that feeling as well. But never for long because there’s a part of us that always knows. That will forever remind us of love. Especially for me. I’m blessed with a love that transcends distance and time and physical boundaries. It infiltrates my dreams and lines every conscious action. A love that is found in every word I speak and present in each thought. A love that has been both a journey to find and yet I’ve had all along. It’s the reality of the journey of two souls, who are honestly the other half of each other. It’s a journey in every possible aspect: physical, emotional, mental, social, and spiritual. This isn’t a story about my life, including my love life. Rather it’s a complete love story with details from the rest of my life mixed in when important. It’s not about a career or my religion, though I’m a deeply spiritual person; it’s about a love that transcends everything else. I’ll never claim to be an expert on love however. I’ll not attempt to sit on T.V. shows and tell people how to love. But I know that I’ve allowed love to consume me, like a refiner’s fire, for better or worse. "

Just a little writing tidbit : )

Welcome Home and Catch-up

Welcome home to my boys!! That's how I think about you all even though I realize you are mostly grown up men now. But in my head, you are still my boys. To clarify- I mean my freshmen year boys, the Carroll Hall boys, the men of the 55th ward. 78 guys who have gone to all corners of the globe serving missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. From right here in Utah to California, England, Mexico, Brazil, Guatemala, all the way to Russia, Korea and New Zealand- and everywhere in between. I can't wait to catch-up with all of you!

Us girls haven't been idly waiting around while you were gone however. Rather- eagerly preparing : ) We've traveled too- from Hawaii and Jerusalem, to Spain, Germany, Italy, India, Ghana, and China. 29 of the girls are married with 4 more engaged. We have 2, almost 3, children born while you were away. 6 girls are away serving missions, with 2 more having received their calls recently. But more than that- we've been studying hard and working hard. Sometimes working full time and taking a full load just trying to make everything work. Even changing our majors and careers completely. We've moved apartments, probably several times for some of us. We've gone to new wards and made new friends, but stayed in touch with old friends too. We've been on blind dates and horrible dates, first dates, and the last first dates too. We've fallen in love and some of us have had our hearts broken. But we've picked ourselves up and moved on . We've thrown bridal showers, even baby showers, and we've cried and laughed together. We've been to weddings and mission farewells and homecomings. We've been in hospitals and doctor's offices, sick and tired, sometimes alone, other times surrounded. We have gotten phone calls that made us cry- sometimes because everything was crashing down and other times because life was wonderful. We've gotten in fights and been to funerals. We've lost people we love and gained strength and hope in the journey. We've become stronger, deeper, more faithful, better communicators, and experienced students. We've discovered a lot of things about life, about growing up and responsibility, about family, about enjoying the little things, and about ourselves. And through it all- we're still your girls!

Depending on your mission, you might have missed some things that happened over the past two years. Just a sampling. . .
Death of Michael Jackson
Death of Polish President, his wife, most of the cabinet and members of parliament in plane crash
H1N1 flu virus
Ms. Sotomayor -first Latin on Supreme Court
Wiki Leaks
Haiti Earthquake, Chile earthquake
Oil Spill in Gulf of Mexico
New Healthcare reform
Justin Bieber
The Republican Congress in 2010
Winter Olympics in Vancouver
World Cup in South Africa- Spain wins
Shooting at Fort Hood- 13 dead
Osama bin Laden killed

Some good movies you missed:
Animated- Toy Story 3, The Princess and the Frog, Despicable Me, Megamind, Tangled, **How To Train Your Dragon, Cars 2

Chick Flicks- Time Traveler's Wife, Letters To Juliet, Water for Elephants (And others, but I'll spare you)

Action Movies- Prince of Persia, Iron Man 2, Red, Unstoppable, Sherlock Holmes, Inception

Other Good Ones-Invictus, The Karate Kid, The King's Speech, Tron Legacy, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, The Blind Side

Welcome Home and I hope to see you all soon!

Life is. . .

Life is beautiful.
Life is surprising.
Life is hard.
Life is a great many things all rolled into one.

So, I didn't get the job I've been working toward.
Therefore, lots of choices need to be made.
Soon.

I want to make the right choice for me.
I wish it was that simple.
Everything else factors into making life altering choices though.
Like my family, a career, a lifestyle, money, etc.

I want to grab life and take control,
But I don't want to be selfish and discount others.
And the one thing I want more than everything else....
I can't accomplish on my own or even when I plan it.

A few words of wisdom are in order.
" Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~Dorothy Thompson

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ~ Albert Einstein

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." ~Arthur Miller

"If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found."

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."- Emerson

Please pray for me to make the right decisions.

Big Decisions

I've got big decisions to make.
But while I'm still thinking everything over...
I thought I'd take some advice from the experts.

How To Make A High-Stakes Decision
by Amy Gallo at Harvard Business Review.

Even the most decisive manager can be thrown into despair when faced with a high-stakes matter. We make decisions every day without noticing, but a career-making (or breaking) challenge requires thought and deliberation. It's unlikely that a single approach will serve you every time. However, there are key factors you should consider to ensure you reach a sound conclusion.

What the Experts Say
People respond to the pressure of big decisions in different ways. As Michael Roberto, the Trustee Professor of Management at Bryant University, said in his 2001 HBR article "What You Don't Know About Making Decisions", "all too often [decision-makers] rush to a conclusion or else dither endlessly and decide too late." Finding a middle ground is difficult, agrees Sydney Finkelstein, the Steven Roth Professor of Management at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth and co-author of "Why Good Leaders Make Bad Decisions." "When there's more at stake, you have to take more time [but] how much time really depends on the magnitude of the decision," he says. Whether you are inclined to take shortcuts or stall out sorting through options, what's most important is to be aware of the hazards that might befall you, and how to avoid them.

Involve others, but own the outcome

Big decisions shouldn't happen in a vacuum. "You have to have a team. You can't rely only on yourself," says Finkelstein. By consulting others, you expose yourself to differing opinions, which will help you to make a more informed choice, and you give yourself a better shot at winning buy-in from those who will be affected. At the same time, beware of the risks. "If you have a lot of people involved, almost always a small subset take control and make the decision," which can make the larger group's contribution negligible, Finkelstein says. Also, while important issues, such as changing the strategic direction of a group or hiring a new manager, typically require input from many sources, at the end of the day, one person needs to be accountable. Ultimately, "the leader has to decide," he explains. "I'm not a fan of consensus."

Trust — but challenge — your gut reaction
In some cases, your first instinct may be right, but it's probably not based on rational thought. It's important to question your initial reaction and test it once you've gathered more data. Also make sure to explain your reasoning to others "That's one of the risks when we make intuitive decisions, people don't understand our thought process. It's not like when we go through a big formal analysis where they can follow the steps. With intuition, it's this lightning bolt. They don't understand: How did you come to that conclusion?" says Roberto in Harvard ManageMentor's module on decision making.

Remain open
Another pitfall that Finkelstein identifies is pre-judgment: when you form an opinion early on in the process, based on preliminary information, and stick with it despite what you learn later. "The hallmark of pre-judgment is when you see someone who is referring to data or examples that support their point of view and disregarding data or examples that are inconsistent with it," he says. Take notice when you keep finding information that maintains your perspective, ask yourself whether there is a dissenting point of view that you need to seek out and consider. Be your own devil's advocate and diligently challenge your initial assumptions, or find a trusted colleague to do this for you.

Be wary of past experiences
Many people make big decisions by relating the current challenge to what they've done in the past. It can serve you well to make those connections, but there are drawbacks as well. Finkelstein says people tend to rely on their past experiences even when they're not relevant. Roberto concurs. "The problem is that when we reason by analogy, we focus on all the similarities, and we often ignore the differences between related situations. And the differences often are where the problems are, where the challenges are." Bring in previous incidents as a source of data, but question how pertinent and useful they truly are.

Recognize your bias
"The reality is we all walk into situations where we have bias," says Finkelstein. This bias may be toward things we have attachment to — people, places, divisions — or toward our own self-interest. "It's not news that self interest has a role in how we think but what I found in my research is that a lot of self-interest is subconscious. We don't even know we're doing it," says Finkelstein. You may lean toward an answer because it will be easier to implement or because it is the one that will earn you the most good will with your people. These are not good enough reasons. Focus on reaching the best solution by acknowledging your bias and then putting it aside.

Don't close the book
Even after accounting for the above challenges, your decision will not be perfect. It's rare to figure out an issue completely before moving ahead with a solution. But, that doesn't mean you are stuck. It's a good idea to monitor the situation closely and make adjustments as necessary. "After a few days, a week or a month, you reopen the decision and see where you're at," Finkelstein says.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Own the decision but bring in others to better understand the various issues involved
• Recognize when you may be partial and ask a trusted peer to check your bias
• Regularly revisit decisions you've made to be sure they are still valid

Don't:

• Rely exclusively on your instinct — think through any initial reactions you have
• Ignore new information that comes in, especially if it challenges your current viewpoint
• Assume the issue is exactly like one you've handled in the past — look for similarities and differences

Moments That Makes Us- 100th Post

There are moments in our lives that make us, change us, shape us into the individuals we become. Some we know instantly while others are only found upon reflection. Moments like these are frozen in time, etched into our souls leaving marks for all who get close enough to see.

In celebration of my 100th post after eleven months of blogging I thought long and hard about what I wanted to post for this. I want to post this for me, for the memories and events that have changed me. And I want to post this for you, my readers, for believing in me, for following my journey thus far--so I'm sharing a bit more of my soul with you.
With my ear hovering over the vent, counting the seconds, waiting for the cries to fade. Suddenly I'm off the floor, out my door, creeping down the stairs, sneaking until I'm standing over the crib. And then he's in my short little arms looking up at me. I'm singing and rocking him back and forth, thinking that this must be what love feels like. I hold him until we both fall asleep.

Holding my chest tightly so breathing doesn't hurt so badly, I let the tears hit the pillow softly. Hoping that no one hears, that no one ask any more questions about the bruises. Afraid to close my eyes again because I know the nightmare will come back, afraid to let myself relive it over and over again. Angry at the hurt, angry that I don't know how to deal with it. Deciding to be stronger for tomorrow, deciding to distract myself so I won't dream anymore, deciding to never get hurt again.

Small inked letters cover the pages- lined, blank, even the back of take-out menus. Written in waiting moments, hastily scrawled to capture the thoughts, others carefully penned. Sealed with a promise, scented with Sunflower, kept sacred in a box beside my bed. Just words if read alone. Love if read all together. Not to be opened til the first day of forever.

Kneeling next to the fresh mound with the shots still ringing in the air. Numb to the spreading heartache, no words are adequate, no tears will help. The flag neatly folded as if to wrap up the grief neatly. Silence. Then his voice in my head telling me to get up, start walking...keep living.

Standing in front of the small class, pausing one last moment before I start teaching. Looking into their faces- young, nervous, excited- a mirror of myself. From all across the country, we sit together laughing, learning, discussing. As the words come tumbling out, there is no way I could have predicted it to be the beginning of the most amazing journey. No way that I could know that these people will become my examples, my heroes, my best friends.

I stare up at him, into those liquid pools of chocolate that have captured my heart, while the moon is high and the evening wraps around us as if to separate us from the world. His smile reminding me of all the laughter, the shared secrets, the trust built between two people. My palms are damp and my heart drumming to the beat of those three little words slipping out of my mouth. Words that change everything. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats.
Then the shattering.

Driving faster than legal, hot tears burning my cheeks, angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yelling, screaming, in my empty car, no one listening to me, then the explaining and placating. But I realize that while others are angry, mine is different- my anger won't go away, sets me apart. Then face-to-face, hugs, and getting to work unloading. Holding all the emotions in check so I can support the family. Being where they need me to be. But I'm alone-lost and drifting.

A tentative smile and falsely cheerful tone, unsure of what to say or not to say. Hugging him, feeling the prickly stubble, smelling the familiar smoke. Asking about the game, the Packers or the Steelers, and he wished me a happy birthday. A kiss on the cheek and whispered "I love you". One last look at the black licorice and John Wayne movies and at the shadow of a man, not sure if it will be the last time. And it was.

Adjusting the veil a bit, smoothing her skirt to gain a second to hide my tears on my best friend's happiest day. Remembering all the late night talks, long distance phone calls, the notes of encouragement, the friendship that has saved me. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

Em's Wedding Day!!

Waking up at 5am, I think both Em and I were instantly alert and excited, despite only five or six hours of sleep. I got completely ready while Em did her makeup so we could leave to get her hair done. About 6:15 we went to get her hair done. Curls everywhere, tons of hairspray, special bobby pins to keep the hair securely in place. As much as I liked the veil she wore, it was a shame that it covered up her beautiful hair. H picked up Em from the hairdressers and I went with Em's mom with the dress and everything in the van over to the Mesa temple. They had to be there by eight for the sealing at nine, so I waited in the lobby until the rest of the family showed up. Then along with Emilee's younger siblings, watched three babies during the ceremony. Early in the morning and it was already baking!
9:30ish Em and H came out of the temple, glowing brighter than the Arizona sun. They were married!!!...everything else afterward is just icing on the cake. As quickly as possible we took pictures in front of the temple with all the family before people started melting. Everyone left, well almost. I stayed with H while mom went and helped Em change out of her wedding dress. While we waited, I thanked H for making Em so happy. Honestly, I've never seen her like this. And I'm just getting to know Em's husband so we got to talk some more. I realized that she makes him just as happy, so there you go! After they came out, mom and I ran home before the luncheon to get the first load of things over to the stake center for the reception. Meanwhile, Dad grabbed the sheet cakes and other last minute things from the store.
12- H's mom hosted the luncheon for the families and close friends with sandwiches, pasta salad, and cookies. Favorite part- H's mom coordinated the colors with Em's reception so it was orange and yellow. So therefore in the middle of the tables she had scattered Reese's Pieces!!! It was fun to relax and talk for a couple hours with friends, family, and of course, Em and H. Funny moment- a friend of H's family came over to the table I was sitting at with other friends and Em's brother (who was keeping us all laughing) to get to know everyone. She assured us that after years of knowing H, she knew that he was a wonderful man. Without skipping a beat I replied that I knew that because all three of H's background checks came back clean. Sometimes I can be witty : )
2ish - running back home to gather the second load of everything that needed to be brought to the reception site. Changing back into my coordinating outfit I also helped the siblings get ready before heading back to set up.
4:30 Back to the church with carloads of vases, coolers, the wedding dress, the tv for the video, and many many other things. The florist was already there setting up the vases, the lights were already hung with the paper lanterns.
5- Em and H got there and I helped Em back into her dress. Back into her dress, making all the adjustments, putting up the bustle, redo the makeup, pin up the escaped curls. It was fun having a moment with just me and Emilee talking and sharing these moments together. Thank you Emilee.
5:30- The family went to go take more pictures while I instructed the kitchen help on making the Caesar salad, making the chicken salad sandwiches, the lemonade, the pasta salad, and the cake. Then running around adjusting. In all honesty, I can't remember everything because I was running around meticulously trying to make everything perfect for Em.
6:30 Reception started!! It was absolutely beautiful. Twinkling lights, white, orange, and yellow paper lanterns, cute photos, beautiful flowers, a jazz pianist playing his little heart out, and love spilling out into the evening. I promise- I stopped to eat two plates of food and a piece of cake at some point during the night, but I also kept running to check on the kitchen, refilling water for Em and H since they were standing in line for hours. I did have a small trip up once refilling water--I went behind the buffet table and someone had spilled some pasta salad. Down I went with ice cubes flying. But not to worry, I was back up in an instant. By the end of the reception my feet were on fire and my limbs felt like they'd been filled with cement. But after the dancing (with a few tears from everyone) Em changed and I gave them a basket of food I'd packed for them. And off they went. Immediately we started taking down tables, collecting the decorations, cleaning the kitchen, etc.
10:30 We had packed the cars full of everything we could and went home to unload. They was still more to get, but Mom told me I was released. Whew! What a day! Then the girls wanted a girls night- I think because they missed Em already. So we grabbed our blankets and popped in Night At the Museum. I was so tired but I think I caught most of the show. Finally off to bed around midnight. But the important thing-- Emilee is married for time and all eternity to the love of her life!

Plus... my 100th post coming up next!!

"I Got You"

I'm a dancer. I have been for my entire life. So it is no surprise that I get sucked into shows like So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing With the Stars. There is a part of me that can only be expressed with dance, that not even my literary heart can express. The story in this dance is two best friends and he is getting married. He gets left at the altar and she is there to pick him back up. Along the way he realizes he loves her. Wouldn't that be nice? But the song is for more than just lovers, but for friends and family. Only the first two minutes of the above video are the dance, so just skip the commentary afterward. I fell in love with the song however and looked in up. The actual music video is a bit interesting so I found another just so you can hear the whole song.



Think about those people who always have your back and those that you would move mountains for.

Arizona in July

Emilee warned me Arizona was hot in July. But 108 degrees is hard to comprehend if you've never experienced it. And they told me I was lucky that it wasn't 113 or 118. Plus they told me that most people find a way to escape Arizona in July- go visit relatives in Utah, Idaho, etc, have massive surgery so they can stay in the air-conditioned hospital for weeks, or get married so they escape on a honeymoon to the Caribbean which is still nicer than Arizona.Actually, they said that the only people coming to Arizona in July were me and Emilee's extended family coming for the wedding. Well, I'm happy to report that I survived the heat, even liked it a bit. I didn't get sunburned as I usually do, instead I'm a bit tanned. So I'm thinking that Arizona would be a great place to move, maybe for medical school down the road. Then they tell me it's also monsoon season so heavy rains and/or dust storms are anticipated.

Ok, I need to back up a bit. I flew into Arizona July 4th (Happy Independence Day!), which by the way- who knew it was cheaper to fly out on a holiday than on the day after it? Emilee and H picked me up and I don't think I stopped smiling at them the whole ride- make that the whole week! We dropped H off so he could do homework and went back to Em's house where I met her family. Emilee and I have been friends for several years now and we talk about everything, including her family. So upon meeting her family I felt like I already knew them and I loved them instantly. She has one sister married with a baby so I didn't get to know her as well, but the other three are fantastic. Her only brother who is going to be a senior, records music and is so funny that at times I was doubled over laughing. He's a teenager but if I asked him nicely to help me with something (wedding prep) he was cheekily helpful. Then there's her younger sister who is a brilliant pianist and so fun to be around. And the youngest sister who is creative, imaginative, silly, and loving. All of them made me feel welcome. Em's dad is a wonderful man who works as a seminary and institute teacher, is quietly funny, and was absolutely welcoming to me. And then there's her mom. I could write a whole post on her if I didn't think my mom would be a little offended. Em's mom is warm and welcoming, easy to talk to, a go-getter, and laid-back. I spent most of the week with her getting everything ready for the wedding day while Emilee worked. They had hired a decorator and florist, but the family did lots of setting up, decorating, and all the food! I think the rest of the family is going to relax for awhile after all the hard work.

Anyway, on Monday we swam in their pool, ate some food, watched Tangled. I thought this is probably what paradise looks like- the palm trees in the yard, the pool, clear skies, my best friend. It was pretty close. Tuesday was lovely as well. Em went off to work and I started checking things off the to-do list with mom, running errands and just having so much fun in the process. That evening out in the yard, Dad suddenly starts telling us to check out the sky. I turn and look to see an apocalypse looking dust cloud covering the entire horizon. They call is a "haboob", the arabic term for such dust storms. Lucky me, this was the largest such storm ever to hit Arizona. Dad said we probably only had a few minutes to get inside before it hit and sure enough, after we got inside and shut all the windows everything went black. It was crazy! And in the morning there was a layer of dust on everything. Here's a short video showing some of it.


Little did I know that as excited as the dust storm was, the real fun was just starting. Shopping for all the food ingredients for the wedding reception, picking up pictures, bustling the wedding dress, picking the dance songs, borrowing this and picking up that. I'm a wedding planner- I've done this many times, but always from a third party position. This felt like I was part of the family. Plus I got to share a room with Em for the week and we'd talk and say prayers together. Some people might think that working hard and running around for a wedding does not sound like a vacation, but it was perfect for me. I've never seen Emilee so happy, she practically sparkles. It was an interesting experience for me- to be so incredibly happy for another person while feeling a bit forlorn and lonely. The night before the wedding while she was getting advice from her parents, I admit to shedding a few tears. We will always be friends but this changes things again. But then again, life will continue to change. I will one day get married too and I know she'll be there for me since none of my sisters will likely be able to come to the ceremony. She will have kids and I will too. H will go to school for counseling and I might move down there for medical school. Or not. We're going to have to wait and see.

One moment in particular that I will never forget. She had come out of the temple with H after the sealing ceremony. We were taking pictures with family in front of the Mesa temple, which is absolutely gorgeous! and we kept making eye contact and smiling at each other. I was in the group photo and her family photo, but then got out of the way to let them do their thing. I'm not the one to jump in usually, plus I actually really hate pictures of myself. So I waited at the top of the stairs for a moment with the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Finally she walked up to me and looked at me with an indescribable expression of joy and love on her face. We hugged for several minutes and I think we both cried a bit. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

I will post next on just the wedding day!

Song Stuck In My Head

I've had this song stuck in my head for weeks now, ever since watching Something Borrowed (good movie by the way). It helps that I own a Chevy and that I look really good getting out of it when the sun hits my hair : ) Plus the movie is really really cute. Kissing animals, holding hands, little kids....I probably shouldn't watch it too often, but that won't stop me from listening. And if you like this song, check out Natasha Bedingfield's song from the movie here. Have a great holiday weekend!

Soul Sistas

I've been blessed with sisters. Lots of them actually. Four biological ones- *Aurora,* Jasmine, *Bubbles, and *Bella, not their real names obviously. This picture is several years old now, but the only one I could find with all of us together...I will have to work on that.I posted briefly about them in my first post ever and this is what I said "My oldest sister (*Aurora), only three years older than myself, is funny and has NO inhibitions; I consider myself a fairly private person so she makes me step outside of my comfort zone, a lot. She also instilled my love of literature. My second oldest sister(*Jasmine) is only two years older than I and she is going to school across the country from me studying and working hard, maybe going to med school. She lives a very different life from myself and she has taught me so much about understanding others and unconditional love. She is always challenging me to think in different ways and I love her dearly. My younger sister(*Bubbles) is turning 17 this week (if you just rolled your eyes and groaned- I'm with you) and is boy crazy!! It's funny talking to her because of all the things she wants to tell me about boys and school and seemingly silly things, but she always surprises me with her deep insights and profound spirituality. My youngest sister(*Bella) is two years younger than the 17 year old. She is the tiny tomboy of the family. Over the years, her and I have shared a love of dancing so we always dance together. She is talented with the piano, singing, acting, and art- to name a few. Always thoughtful, she is caring and loving even when she's rocking out." They are women of laughter and intelligence, a bit stubborn and nevertheless endearing. We are constantly growing and learning from each other, and yes, sometimes frustrating each other. But we are learning how to be ourselves and have our separate lives and still be united. Not an easy task so far, but definitely worth it.

Throughout my life I've met incredible women- family, friends, and even strangers. Aunts, cousins, teachers, visiting teachers, co-workers, and the rare kindred spirit. There is something to be learned from all of them. They are truly my angels, my sanity checks, and my spotters.
I want to talk about one more sister today though. Emilee. Yes, that's her real name because she said I could. And yes, the one I congratulated months ago on her engagement and have been counting down til her wedding next week. This is definitely appropriate timing because when I return from my visit to her I will be posting pictures and sharing some adventures.So here's Emilee!! We met our freshmen year at BYU, had several classes together, and lived in the same dorm. We joke they we were neighbors in heaven before and will be once again. I can just see us on the PTA together and throwing block parties. Emilee once posted on my Facebook wall " The Harry Potter website just told me that we'd be friends forever. It knows." I couldn't agree more. And then there was the time we worked together on a project from the boys in our ward, and the time we had a love quote battle on fb, the times one of us would call the other and somehow the other one would be crying at the same time!! About 18 months ago she moved back to Arizona and I've seen her twice since then- last Christmas and this past April the day she got engaged. I just want to tell you some of the things I love about her: I love the way she listens to me, I love the way she can tell me I'm wrong and not make it sound like an insult, I love the way she laughs when she is absolutely happy, I love the way she takes care of the people around her be it family, roommates, or friends, and I love that I can talk to her about anything and everything. I'm sure I will gush more about Em after I come back from her wedding. Here is a beautiful picture of Emilee and her fiance, H.

To kindred spirits and to soul sistas!

Finding Mr. Right?

This article made me laugh so hard I just had to share. Because, in all honesty, dating is much much harder than they make it look! (Fyi-to my missionary friends just returning home- I have not just been going on dates and partying these past two years!) Written July of 2009 here is Michael Moran with....

Finding Mr Right: 7 Tips from the Movies
If you're looking for romance, Hollywood has all the answers

There’s a lot of talk about what the meaning of life might be, but everyone really knows it’s romance: Finding Mr (or Miss) Right and raising a few kids is the principal motivation for every living thing from mushrooms to monarchs.Sometimes,though, it’s hard to find the right partner. Sometimes it’s hard to find any partner. Naturally the geniuses of cinema are on hand to show us how it’s done.

1. FIRST FIND YOUR TERRORIST

Far and away the best method of building a lasting relationship is to be involved in some kind of hostage drama or dangerous cross-country chase. From The 39 Steps through to Speed – indeed as far as Speed 2 – young men and women have been finding their true love at the point of a gun. Gunfire and peril is such a reliable relationship builder, in fact, that it can reunite estranged couples just as well as it can forge new ones: Just take a look at the most recent Indiana Jones film. Or Die Hard. Or Die Hard 2.

2. LOSE YOUR SCRUPLES

If you’re serious about romance, there’s no place for morals(excuse me! I think it's the perfect place for morals!). Sham weddings are a great way to kick-start a marriage. Sandra Bullock’s top relationship tip is to order a subordinate to marry you. She’s demonstrating that one right now in current cinema release The Proposal. It’s by no means a new idea: Gerard Depardieu and Andie McDowell first hit on the fake marriage ploy way back in 1990 with Green Card. It’s as sound a foundation for lasting love as it was then.

Don’t be coy, either, about underhand tactics to eliminate a potential rival. Back in 1937 The Awful Truth showed how shabby acts can ease the way for true love. It also featured a really sweet dog. In the classic Howard Hawks comedy His Girl Friday Cary Grant repeatedly gets his ex-wife’s fiancé arrested on trumped-up charges until the poor chap sees reason and withdraws from the fray. If you’re serious about settling down with your dream man or woman, make sure you enlist a few corrupt cops.

3. PLAY HARD TO GET

The grass is always greener on the other side, forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest and,(although it’s not strictly relevant) a stitch in time saves nine. Nobody wants love handed to them on a plate, it’s unsanitary for one thing, and Hollywood has shown this time and time again. From the firecracker bickering of classic screwball comedies such as It Happened One Night or The Lady Eve to the tongue-tied predictability of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days . Julia Roberts proved in I love Trouble that even irascible bears like Nick Nolte can fall for a girl as long as she’s rude enough.

4. DON’T BE FUSSY

We’re conditioned by stories like Cinderella and Snow White to believe that there’s one true love out there for us all. Unfortunately, as the manufacturers of moisturising creams the world over like to remind us, we won’t look this good forever. Sooner or later it’s time to settle. When Harry Met Sally is a perfect lesson in how to win at romantic musical chairs: try to find The One but always keep your backup spouse close to hand.

If you still haven’t dated anyone by the time you’re 40 don’t hold out for perfection – learn from The 40 Year Old Virgin and hook up with the first person that shows even halfway willing. Best advice of all comes from the latest Katherine Heigl effort The Ugly Truth. He may be an ill-mannered misogynistic boor but he’s still a man, dammit and once you’ve passed thirty that’s good enough.(Wow....really?!!!!)

5. BE A NERD

Of course romance comes easily to nerds. The movies tell us that again and again. We’ve already discussed The 40 Year Old Virgin, where a dysfunctional shut-in with minimal cool marries super-groovy Catherine Keener. Bridget Jones’s Diary extols the irresistible appeal of the female klutz. Annie Hall ups the ante by bringing two entirely different grades of nebbish together in one majestic loser romance.(Or start out like Barrymore in Never Been Kissed and bam!, transform into the It girl)

6. BE LUCKY

If you can’t be a nerd, be lucky. Whether it’s something as unlikely as winning a lottery (It Could Happen To You) or an everyday piece of good fortune like being selected to write the lyrics for a guaranteed Number One single even though you’re just a gardener (Music & Lyrics) there really is no substitute for sheer good fortune. If you don’t have luck, make some – pitch up at a stranger’s wedding. Never fails.

7. WHEN ALL HOPE IS LOST, GET A PROFESSIONAL IN

You wouldn’t dream of rewiring your own house. Unless you’d eaten a lot of cheese before bedtime or something. So why organize your own relationships? If we’ve learned anything from Pretty Woman, it’s that common street prostitutes are generally wholesome, marriageable young women. Experts in leaving home (Failure To Launch) and relationship counselors (Hitch) will definitely marry you as long as you pay them a lot of money first.

You should engage your professional with caution though: if The Wedding Planner has a message for us it’s this: the woman you hire to help you pick out some flowers will probably run off with the groom.

Thanks a lot, Hollywood!!

It's Not "Easy"

I just love this new song by Rascal Flatts and Natasha Bedingfield, so I wanted to share! The actual music video will be released later this week, so maybe I'll repost. But sometimes it's good to put your own story and heart into the song before they show you what they were thinking. <3

P.S. 6 days til I see Emilee and 10 days til her wedding!!!!

Aunt Kristi!!!!

Exciting news-- I"M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!!!

Now that my sister, Jasmine, has made it public, I couldn't contain my excitement.

She's having a little girl near the end of October, the first grandchild on my family.

However, she and her boyfriend have decided to give the little angel up for adoption.

My first reaction when she told me months ago was "Can I have your baby?"
Not smooth at all, Kristi. Can you say- baby hungry?

This pregnancy wasn't planned and they are both finishing college, preparing for medical and graduate school, so they feel this will be best for the little girl.

Not going to lie- this is hard for our family.
If I could say one thing to this beautiful, feisty little miracle (in her ultrasound pictures she's screaming at the camera for being poked) is that while she wasn't planned for, she is very much wanted and incredibly loved already.

I'm not sure I can explain how much I already love my niece.
How much I want to teach her about life and poetry and baking and gardening.
I want to be there for her when she fights with her parents and rebels in high school.
I want to tell her everything I know about light and truth and love.
I hope I get that chance.

For now though, I'm celebrating this beautiful Little Angel.
For a baby is God's way of saying that the world is still worth it.

The Curse of Optimism

I'm a fairly optimistic person, if I do say so myself. Except when I'm not.

I'm a reasonably logical person. Except sometimes I'm not.

I'm a really romantic person, except when life demands some realism.

I used to be pretty trusting, but I'm not anymore.

You know the problem with optimism? Maybe you do and maybe you don't. And maybe it's just me. But my optimism leaves me standing in the rain, alone, smiling, hoping beyond all reasonable hope that they really didn't mean to hurt me, that they're telling me the truth, that in the end they do care about me, that if I work hard enough I can make everything work for everyone all the time, that if I can just keep smiling and pushing through then one day all the love and service will come back around. And optimism demands that I keep waiting, hoping, working for that "one day", because to give up anytime along the way would be failure. Yet sometimes, my optimism feels more like stupidity for allowing myself to be disappointed and hurt, again and again...and again. Oh, and again.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, said "I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
I'm not talking just about romantic relationships, but friends and family too.

But there is a part of my soul that refuses to dismiss optimism.

That clings to the hope of waking up each morning and finding the world a little better.

That keeps me going when nothing else does.

That tells me I'm right about this whole optimism thing, if I will just stand my ground.

P.S. 8 days til I see Emilee and 12 days til her wedding!!!!

Technology Race

The presidential election is in full force and more people than ever are getting involved, which warms the bottom of my heart. However, they aren't necessarily getting involved by donating money to a particular campaign or attending the rallies and speeches. Facebook, texting, IPhone apps, and Twitter are the foremost tools of the modern political campaign. In fact, I receive update texts from the Obama campaign and emails from the Romney committee, I found out about Huntsman's campaign announcement via my phone's newsfeed, and encouraged people to do some political research via this very blog.

Even since the 2008 election, technology has increased by leaps and bounds. Technology is being integrated into education and communication, changing the way we interact with our friends, co-workers, employers, even celebrities and is also changing how we see ourselves. I mean, look at me- I'm blogging for heaven's sake!(But I am still avoiding Twitter) I started this blog on assignment for a college class and in that same class worked on a project for improving support group websites. Nowdays, when I hear something clever or have an opinion on a world event, I join the discussion. People like Obama, Romney, Huntsman, and other world leaders are starting these discussions, even leading them in Congress, in the White House, in debates and rallies. But we, my fellow Americans, are joining them via Facebook, Twitter, text, Hulu, YouTube, blogs and other social media outlets.

Will technology set the curve for this race? Will the candidate who is the most "plugged-in" win through the reach of their technology?

I'm tired of being disappointed....

But I refuse to lower my expectations.

Taking a Stand on the Issues

In honor of the first debate of the presidential election campaign, I thought I should briefly explore where I stand on some of these issues. Please be aware that I am not an expert on all of these topics and reserve the right to research some more and change my mind. Not to worry- I will tie in technology in my next post : ) And the best one is saved for last, so try to read the whole thing or at least skim til you get to the bottom ; )

• Health Care- I support a universal health care mandate, but not at the federal level. If operated at the state level, each state would have more control over the revenue and be able to dictate state tax cuts. Also, by localizing the health care and insurance within each state it will create jobs that cannot be outsourced and help build the economy.
• Peanut Butter- Crunchy or Smooth? This debate has been raging for decades with casualties on both sides, people debating in the condiment aisle of grocery stores and even all out peanut butter wars. But in considering the merits of each camp, I've found that both are solid contenders for the top spot. So I must go with moderation in all things- smooth pb on my crackers or celery with crunchy pb on my sandwiches.
  
• Stem-Cell Research- Being a scientist myself, I have researched and studied about the processes and uses of stem cell research. I even attended a conference on the subject back in 07. I was surprised to discover that most members of Congress, when asked to describe their understanding of the definition of stem cell research, had little to no correct assumptions or conceptions about such research. Stem-cell research does not destroy life, but rather is working to find cures for medical conditions of every sort so I support stem-cell research wholeheartedly. However, in tangent, I do not agree with cloning for recreational science.
• Pepsi vs Coca-Cola- Like you even need to ask. Pepsi, hands down, no question. The patriotic colors, the superior taste, the family tradition, everything points to the right answer of Pepsi.
• Education- An issue close to my heart to be sure. While many presidents have lauded young students as the future of America, they have left primary and secondary schools out in the cold as far as the budget goes. Among the top industrialized nations, America has the lowest literacy rate. Maybe because we pay people who run around with balls or who pretend to be other people more than we pay our teachers. I support the idea behind "No Child Left Behind", but I have seen some of the errors in implementation. There needs to be more funds allotted with greater flexibility in order to meet the financial needs of the schools as well as the individual needs of students for attention and resources. I agree with alternative educational methods including home school and vocational training as well as the necessity of involving the community and family in the education of children.
• Dogs or Cats? I'll make this one perfectly clear. I am a dog person. It's not that I specifically hate cats, but given the choice I will take almost any dog over a cat (except the little yappy purse dogs or a pit bull). Cats are antisocial and sleepy all the time and when the whole point of me getting a pet is companionship the dog is usually alert, playful, loving, loyal, and intelligent. A dog can be with me in many situations from watching TV to going for a run, taking a trip, or doing projects around the house. While a cat may purr next to me while I watch t.v., look at me like I'm crazy if I tried to get her to run with me, puke all over the car on road trips, and sleep right on top of my craft project on the table. Dog person.
• National Security- Many of the national security issues on the table right now are the wire taps on incoming Muslims to the US and the threat of terrorists from within our country, and nuclear proliferation particularly in connection to North Korea and Iraq. I'm against wiretaps on any immigrants or visitors to America on principle, but rather suggest a more thorough screening process to allow for both security and privacy issues, not to mention tolerance to be maintained. I'm still undecided about Guantanamo and will continue to research. I agree that nuclear conditions need to be regulated, but not just on a national scale but on an international one. We had the opportunity to do so with Poland and the Czech Republic and backed out, which was probably right for the time. However, whether in NATO or another Summit, global consensus needs to be sought after.
• And finally...
• Edward vs. Jacob? ( Disregard the resolution reached in the fourth book of the series for the purpose of this debate) Upon my first reading, I was unequivocally in the Edward Cullen camp. I mean, there is something to be said for being absolutely drawn to someone and falling head over fangs in love. And maybe it's because we all want to believe that kind of love can exist--the unshakable, all-powerful, can overcome any obstacle, changes everything, consuming love. And I'm not saying it doesn't, the jury is still out. BUT, I've had more experience in dating, love, and relationships since I first read the series. You got to admit upon reflection- why would you love someone who always pushes you away and keeps you at arms length, who makes you feel like you're never good enough? It makes me think Bella is a bit stupid and blind, not to mention a glutton for pain. Instead, I would rather be with someone who allows me to be myself around him, all the time, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Someone who is full of light and happiness and warmth and joy. Someone who holds me close instead of pushing me away. Someone I'm friends with first and grow to love. Someone who knows how to apologize and keeps his promises. Someone who will defend me with his last breath but can also tell me when I've made a mistake. Someone like Jacob Black. So, all fiction and fantasy aside, I pick Jacob.

If you'd like to explore the issues a bit more or the candidate's stance on them check out this website. Please leave a comment or share your own view on hot-topics of the day.

Something. . .

There is a feeling right after you finish a book. A feeling of slowly removing yourself from the world and story that held you bound for the hours sprawled out on the couch and the time reading in the library. A feeling of coming back to reality, not necessarily for a better or worse reality, but one that is solidly your own. A realization comes with the conclusion of a book- that your finale is not yet here. The climax and plot twists are still evolving and some are around the corner for me, inspiring fear, excitement, and amazement all at the same time. But the theme has already been introduced and cleverly explored in the beginning chapters and I know something is coming. Something bigger than me, bigger than words, bigger even than the collectively shared experiences on this theme. Something that part of me already knows somehow. So I shut the book reverently and rise from my chair, to go out and meet it.

Left Behind

Left Behind

Trapped first by pain
then sealed in silence.
Pushing for a way out
ripping out of the seal.
Adrift alone in the bay
wrapped in the mistakes
we’ve made all along--
Knowing you are adrift too,
in your own bay
barely in view.
Wishing somehow
we would talk it out together,
promise to keep each other afloat,
But this is how you wanted it.
Me here and You...there.
I can see them coming,
inching their way to me.
Pulled out to dry
leaving you swimming upstream.
Unsure if you want
to be rescued at all.
I’d trade with you
in a heartbeat,
rather than watch
from the shore.
Put me in the fight,
the crashing currents
and slippery paths.
Scaling the waterfall-
you are the martyr
and hero all at once.
Alone now,
alone in a journey
I thought we’d make together.
This is the one I picked.
Somehow our tickets
got mixed up in the mess.
And we wonder if we will
ever get to where
we planned to go.
But now we are world’s apart,
You, alone with everyone watching,
and me,alone, without their notice.

Eat Fresh and Save the Environment!

Subway has sucked me in big time. Maybe it was the commercials about Jared back in the day. Or perhaps it is my addiction to the Oven-Roasted Chicken sandwich with American cheese, lettuce, black olives, and mayo that sealed the deal. And my occasional weakness for their delicious cookies. And possibly my original admiration for Subway become deep and abiding love when I discovered the Kids Meal with milk and apples (or yogurt if I choose!!) accompanying my 3 inch sandwich. But a recent discovery might just put me over the edge to hero worship. I went in for a Kids Meal and they asked me if I wanted the Kids Meal sack, so I said sure. Next thing I know, my sandwich and meal is being handed to me in a little bright pink reusable lunch bag. It has a picture of the earth and the word " Conserve" written in almost fifty languages across it. And I even looked up what other kinds they have while I was searching for a good picture to share with you. They even have Green Lantern reusable meal bags! You should check it out. So, am I impressed? Oh yeah. Move aside little brown lunch sack and expensive deluxe 5-compartment superhero lunch box. Thank you Subway.

Praying for Politics

With the presidential race starting up I realized I have neglected politics for way too long here. I'm a political junkie...you didn't know that? Yeah, well after spending a summer at both the Senate and UN, going to numerous political rallies for both major parties (meeting three of the major candidates in the 2008 election), studying International Relations for a year before switching to teaching, diving into political texts on my study breaks and secretly reading the New York Times everyday, I think I've come to the conclusion that I can say what I think about politics. It's not better or worse than anyone else discussing politics on the blog-o-sphere, just my own informed and carefully thought out opinion.

When I was eight I dreamed of becoming the first woman president, a dream that endured through high school even. I made 20 and 30 year plans, plans for military service and law school- factors that most successful presidents had in common. In my conversations with adults growing up I would inevitably ask about their concerns with the government. I listened to my great-grandmother tell me about the Depression and talked to my Dad about reforming the welfare system. And the only reason I studied economics at all was so I'd understand how a government effected the economy and how the economy effects the people. But enough back story of my misplaced political aspirations.

You might be wondering, why did I change my beautiful dreams? Well, in all honesty, the more I explored and experienced ( see first paragraph), I realized there was something more to a politician than knowledge of social issues, compromising and negotiating, serving and sacrificing for our country, and standing up for your values and viewpoints. No. There is this sneaky little thing called politics. I learned that it meant so much more than the science and art of political government and the managing of government affairs; I quickly discovered that it often means a thirst for power achieved through manipulation and exploitation behind the guise of patriotism. Not 100% of the time, but way too often. You might be thinking, well duh! But I'm an optimist and a bit of an idealistic, but I figured this out before I was 20 so give me some credit. And furthermore, I learned this not from watching my TV and listening to others opinions on the pitfalls of our government; I learned this working side by side with people I admired and respected and seeing how politics changed them. So I made a choice. This is not the path I want to take.

Nevertheless, I will always remain a conscientious citizen and inquisitive political follower. Which brings me to the presidential race at hand. From my parents I learned to vote for an individual rather than a party, though I tend to feel more at home on the Republican side. And I've learned to not just listen to the speeches, but to research their voting history in the Senate or House and so on. Does their voting record match their speeches? Are they consistent- do they stick to their guns? Do they make choices based on what they really believe instead of what is popular at a certain time? Do they admit when they make mistakes and strive to work harder? Back in 2008, I was just a few months shy of 18 so I couldn't vote. But I distributed pamphlets in my dorm with information on both major candidates views on certain topics and encouraged others to register to vote. Had my birthday been slightly earlier, I might have found myself voting for Obama. While I agree and disagree with various parts of his actions and positions, I will save a more in-depth look at Obama for another post.

I want to talk about Mitt Romney. And John F. Kennedy. And religion. I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a Mormon. As such my political opinions are shaped by personal values and religious beliefs. Back in 1960, John F. Kennedy became the first Catholic to obtain the presidency. He made his connection with religion quite clear in his famous address to Protestant ministers. " I am not the Catholic candidate for president. I am the Democratic Party's candidate for president, who happens also to be a Catholic. I do not speak for my church on public matters, and the church does not speak for me. Whatever issue may come before me as president — on birth control, divorce, censorship, gambling or any other subject — I will make my decision in accordance with these views, in accordance with what my conscience tells me to be the national interest. . . But if the time should ever come — and I do not concede any conflict to be even remotely possible — when my office would require me to either violate my conscience or violate the national interest, then I would resign the office; and I hope any conscientious public servant would do the same."

Romney is of a different faith than Kennedy, but shares a similar opinion. Just as JFK did not represent the Catholic church, Romney does not stand for all Mormons (though quite a few of us are excited about his prospective candidacy). They enter the race as men of personal faith and public service- one often influencing the other. Romney, back in '07 stated "Freedom requires religion, just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone,". He went on to say, referencing Kennedy, "Almost 50 years ago another candidate from Massachusetts explained that he was an American running for President, not a Catholic running for President. Like him, I am an American running for President. I do not define my candidacy by my religion. A person should not be elected because of his faith nor should he be rejected because of his faith...No candidate should become the spokesman for his faith. For if he becomes President he will need the prayers of the people of all faiths." For the entire speech, click here.

While church and state are separate by law, it is my experience that politics and religion never can be far apart. I may not choose a candidate because of his particular sect, but his values and the actions he takes based on those values place before me a depiction of a man (or woman) who might be given power over our country. And whether I agree with their specific beliefs in God or religious practice or not, I look for common ground of faith. I look for someone who will be consistent in their values, for that will give me a better understanding of a candidate than pages of issue statements and inspiring speeches. As the presidential race starts to gain momentum I will continue to talk about the issues and ideas at hand.

What do you think? How much does the candidates or your own religion affect your voting? In a country promising religious freedom and tolerance, are we wrong to use it as a measurement? Just a thought.

I think I'm going to pray about it : )