Driving Standard (a.k.a Panic at the Wheel)

So I just got a car. A 2003 Acura RSX Type S. An excellent vehicle. Dark blue, a little bit sporty looking, in really good condition, air conditioning ( my first requisite for Arizona), cool stereo, etc,etc. And it's standard. Manual. Stick shift. When I first heard those words, I think all the blood drained from my face. I have never wanted to drive stick shift. Never. Actually, I've avoided it. In all honesty, I knew very little about them before. I knew that most people who drive them, love it. But whenever I've ridden in one, I didn't like the feel of it. Now that I'm learning to drive it, I know why I had this innate aversion to standard--I'm. NOT. in. control.

Oh, the psychological analyzing that could go into that. But I'll stick to the topic at hand. For the past 7-8 years, driving has been about freedom and being in control. I could control where I was going and when. As a good driver, I feel as though I can control the vehicle. That has all been stripped away from me now. I feel like the car is in control and if I don't do what it wants, it stalls, dies, quits on me. And I've had enough of that. Coming out to Arizona has been a new start for me, an opportunity to create my own life, and in some ways, about taking control of what I want and need in life. Granted, there have been limits to being without a car, but I was doing it on my terms. Mentally, I know I can do this. I can learn, but there is this panic that wells up because I feel so powerless, followed quickly by anger and determination that I will not let a car win. I will not let a machine defeat me. Today's practice driving was already better than yesterday and I drove in real traffic (gulp). And I believe laughter is better than crying, so here are some thoughts about learning stick shift.

1. If I can master driving stick shift when it scares me silly, dating will seem like no problem.

2. When I learn to drive really well in a standard, I will have the confidence of conquering a fear added to feeling like I'm in control again.

3. I can add driving stick to my "future wife resume". Yes, I'm kind of a catch.

4. It's just a little exercise in learning to let go, to let myself make mistakes, and to be okay with looking stupid sometimes.

5. Stick shift is like most good things- there is a progression, step by step. Just like I can't go 1st to 5th gear, I have to learn the basics, start off slow, work my way up. Line upon line, precept upon precept.

6. Similar to relationships, in the end it's not about dominance or control. It's not about who is in control, but about working together and finding a balance. If I just get angry and frustrated and wear out my clutch grinding the gears, we both lose. If I always let myself feel controlled by the car, I'm never going to enjoy driving it. Balance. Give and take is key.

7. Driving stick is a good way to avoid distractions. I can't text, talk on the phone, eat, etc while trying to drive stick. Also, I can't "accidentally" speed. If I'm going that fast, I had to shift to get there!

8. Learning to drive standard fulfills a least four, possibly more, qualities of my "Quality Life". Be brave. Push myself to do something I once thought I couldn't do. Never stop learning. And...overcome a fear. Well, I really set myself up for that, didn't I?

9. Just another reminder that just because I mess up or get frustrated, doesn't mean I, myself, am a bad driver or person. In mortality, we make mistakes, we stall, we fight what we know we should be doing, fall short of our responsibilities, etc. But we can learn, do better, repent, ask forgiveness, and try again. Of course it's embarrassing to stall in the middle of the road or be chastised in front of others--but it's about how we respond afterwards that makes the difference. Do we work to recognize what we did or do we get mad and blame the car (or someone else)?

10. I have a lot more awareness on the road now. Who knows if the poor driver in front of me needs more space because they too are learning stick. And if some one is driving a little bit lurchy and rough, it's ok. See-- trials do teach us compassion and give us empathy.

* Bonus- I look really awesome driving Rhys. Yes, that is what I've decided to name my car.



Camber's Challenge

So I have this amazing sister. Actually, I have multiple amazing incredible sisters. Each of them deserves their own post and thereby those posts will be coming forthwith. Today is for Camber. I used to call her Bubbles on here, but it's a little silly when most people who read this blog know exactly what her name is. Camber is 20 (as of this month). Cam is funny and quirky, often laughing me out of a bad mood. She is a devoted friend, loyal to a fault, and protective of all she loves. Camber is quite fashionable, usually coordinated and gorgeous, and otherwise funky and cool- seriously, I might need her as a wardrobe consultant after she comes home from her mission. Yes, her mission!!! That is the point of this whole post (other than bragging about an amazing sister). Camber has been working hard for almost a year to prepare to go on a mission. I know some who work for many years and make great sacrifices and as her sister and one who had personally seen the blessings and opportunities that come from serving a full-time mission, I want to help Camber have this wonderful opportunity to serve, learn, and grow. She's been working and saving up, as have various members of the family, but we still need help. And the prompting is increasingly strong that she needs to go sooner rather than later. So while I know this isn't usual ( and yes, we are also working through other channels) I'm asking for some help.

I have set up a fundraising page here for Camber's Challenge.

 

Please help in any way you can and share with your friends. If you have any comments, suggestions, or or questions, please feel free to comment.

Light Dispels Darkness

 



There are days, occasionally weeks, when the worries and fears seem to work themselves into the forefront of our minds, weighing with extra pressure on our hearts despite all our efforts to maintain positivity and faith. But inevitably, the scales always tip in favor of faith. Because faith is always stronger than fear. Even the smallest light will forever push away the darkness. And as we strive to fill our lives with people, places, and activities that create or bring light, we can't help but increase the gravitational pull towards faith.

In a talk given in General Conference April of 2002, Elder Hales related the following :
"This past winter I had the opportunity to learn more about my lungs. I became very aware that we cannot store oxygen. We cannot save the air we need to breathe, no matter how hard we try. Moment by moment, breath by breath, our lives are granted to us and are renewed. So it is with spiritual light. It must be renewed in us on a regular basis. We must generate it day by day, thought by thought, and with daily righteous action if we are to keep the darkness of the adversary away.

When I was a boy, I used to ride my bicycle home from basketball practice at night. I would connect a small pear-shaped generator to my bicycle tire. Then as I pedaled, the tire would turn a tiny rotor, which produced electricity and emitted a single, welcome beam of light. It was a simple but effective mechanism. But I had to pedal to make it work! I learned quickly that if I stopped pedaling my bicycle, the light would go out. I also learned that when I was “anxiously engaged” in pedaling, the light would become brighter and the darkness in front of me would be dispelled.

The generation of spiritual light comes from daily spiritual pedaling. It comes from praying, studying the scriptures, fasting, and serving—from living the gospel and obeying the commandments. “He that keepeth his commandments receiveth truth and light,” said the Lord, “and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” My brothers and sisters, that perfect day will be when we will stand in the presence of God the Father and Jesus Christ."

Yesterday after my incredibly selfish post, I was able to attend the temple. An overwhelming peace and reassurance came to me throughout the session. Answers or reassurances to all of my insecurities and fears that I expressed yesterday were offered and gratefully accepted. John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Light once again dispelled the darkness.

 



It's Not You, It's Me

Last night during institute we had some rousing and thought-provoking discussions including one comment that prompted some self-reflection (and eventually this post). A young man commented that usually when he got defensive about a certain topic or question, it was because deep down he had an insecurity related to that subject. The truth of that statement struck me right in the center as I've thought about the frustrations/irritations/worries/insecurities that I have. Lately, I have become frustrated with myself for my frustration and irritation at the simplest things; I realized that it's not about bitterness or jealousy, but rather about loneliness, fear, and insecurity. It's not that I don't love, support, or respect many of my wonderful friends, but whenever certain topics come up I'm suddenly defensive due to fears or insecurities (sometimes obvious ones, sometimes a bit deeper).

When your wedding invite comes in the mail and the bridal photos are posted all over, forgive me if I cry a little. You are beautiful and I am truly excited for your happiness, but some part of me worries that it will never be my turn. A little voice somewhere keeps suggesting that maybe I'm not lovable. It's not you. It's me.

When you celebrate anniversaries with your spouse of x number of years, forgive me if I can't talk to you about it. Am I happy for you? Yes! But part of me aches wondering if I'll ever find someone who loves me like that, if I can find someone who will always love me like that, or if I will be alone for a long time. It's not you. It's me.

When your home is suddenly full of preparations for a new little one, please forgive me if I feel out of place. And when your baby arrives, forgive me if I beg to hold and rock your precious little one and cry the whole time. I worry at times that this particular joy may never be mine. It's not you. It's me.

When every post is about your clever little boy and darling daughter, I promise I read and like all of them, but forgive me if I don't know what to say. I fear a little one will never call me Mom, that I will never get the chance to help a young soul reach it's potential in that way. It's not you. It's me.

Please don't misunderstand me- I want to hear about your wedding plans, marriage adventures, and baby surprises. I honestly, truly do. I know it's not about me 99% of the time and I'm not asking you to be concerned about my feelings. And I recognize while expressing this, that I do have a lot of faith and hope that these desires will be fulfilled one day for me. I just want you to know that it's not you. It's me.

Holidays to Remember

I've thought about this all day, knowing I wanted to write something for the 4th of July. But I didn't know what. I love patriotic holidays but they're hard. I love the pool time, BBQ, and fireworks...and the memories. Mostly I love the memories. I think holidays can serve as an axis around which we measure time and growth. Perhaps because we tend to take more pictures on holidays. Maybe because those days are lit up by fireworks, Christmas lights, and jack-o-lanterns. For whatever reason, holidays help us remember.

 

I remember July 2007, I was in New York City for a summer program at Columbia University. They put on a movie night for us, an R-rated movie that I didn't want to watch, so I went to a little gelato shop around the corner. Afterwards, we went to the top of our apartment building to watch the fireworks over the harbor. It was beautiful.

 

July 2012 I found myself eight weeks into my stay at the MTC in Provo. It was normal day until around 7pm when we had a special fireside, ate ice cream bars, and we were allowed to stay out late to watch the fireworks from the Stadium of Fire. I remember being so excited to leave for Texas, sad to leave my wonderful elders, nervous about being a missionary, and enthusiastic about Spanish. And I tucked away the memories and wiped the tears as the flag was presented.

 

Now, two years later, I find myself in a new state, a new home, with many possibilities in front of me. Tomorrow I will have a party with friends to celebrate the 4th. New friends, great friends, possibly some future friends. We are going to grill and I think I'll make Oreo truffles which reminds me of my first year at BYU. And I'll remember all those adventures. We'll play in the pool and dance to music which reminds me of going dancing with Andy. And I'll remember. There is something so beautiful about remembering.