Oh, the psychological analyzing that could go into that. But I'll stick to the topic at hand. For the past 7-8 years, driving has been about freedom and being in control. I could control where I was going and when. As a good driver, I feel as though I can control the vehicle. That has all been stripped away from me now. I feel like the car is in control and if I don't do what it wants, it stalls, dies, quits on me. And I've had enough of that. Coming out to Arizona has been a new start for me, an opportunity to create my own life, and in some ways, about taking control of what I want and need in life. Granted, there have been limits to being without a car, but I was doing it on my terms. Mentally, I know I can do this. I can learn, but there is this panic that wells up because I feel so powerless, followed quickly by anger and determination that I will not let a car win. I will not let a machine defeat me. Today's practice driving was already better than yesterday and I drove in real traffic (gulp). And I believe laughter is better than crying, so here are some thoughts about learning stick shift.
1. If I can master driving stick shift when it scares me silly, dating will seem like no problem.
2. When I learn to drive really well in a standard, I will have the confidence of conquering a fear added to feeling like I'm in control again.
3. I can add driving stick to my "future wife resume". Yes, I'm kind of a catch.
4. It's just a little exercise in learning to let go, to let myself make mistakes, and to be okay with looking stupid sometimes.
5. Stick shift is like most good things- there is a progression, step by step. Just like I can't go 1st to 5th gear, I have to learn the basics, start off slow, work my way up. Line upon line, precept upon precept.
6. Similar to relationships, in the end it's not about dominance or control. It's not about who is in control, but about working together and finding a balance. If I just get angry and frustrated and wear out my clutch grinding the gears, we both lose. If I always let myself feel controlled by the car, I'm never going to enjoy driving it. Balance. Give and take is key.
7. Driving stick is a good way to avoid distractions. I can't text, talk on the phone, eat, etc while trying to drive stick. Also, I can't "accidentally" speed. If I'm going that fast, I had to shift to get there!
8. Learning to drive standard fulfills a least four, possibly more, qualities of my "Quality Life". Be brave. Push myself to do something I once thought I couldn't do. Never stop learning. And...overcome a fear. Well, I really set myself up for that, didn't I?
9. Just another reminder that just because I mess up or get frustrated, doesn't mean I, myself, am a bad driver or person. In mortality, we make mistakes, we stall, we fight what we know we should be doing, fall short of our responsibilities, etc. But we can learn, do better, repent, ask forgiveness, and try again. Of course it's embarrassing to stall in the middle of the road or be chastised in front of others--but it's about how we respond afterwards that makes the difference. Do we work to recognize what we did or do we get mad and blame the car (or someone else)?
10. I have a lot more awareness on the road now. Who knows if the poor driver in front of me needs more space because they too are learning stick. And if some one is driving a little bit lurchy and rough, it's ok. See-- trials do teach us compassion and give us empathy.
* Bonus- I look really awesome driving Rhys. Yes, that is what I've decided to name my car.
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5. Stick shift is like most good things- there is a progression, step by step. Just like I can't go 1st to 5th gear, I have to learn the basics, start off slow, work my way up. Line upon line, precept upon precept.
6. Similar to relationships, in the end it's not about dominance or control. It's not about who is in control, but about working together and finding a balance. If I just get angry and frustrated and wear out my clutch grinding the gears, we both lose. If I always let myself feel controlled by the car, I'm never going to enjoy driving it. Balance. Give and take is key.
7. Driving stick is a good way to avoid distractions. I can't text, talk on the phone, eat, etc while trying to drive stick. Also, I can't "accidentally" speed. If I'm going that fast, I had to shift to get there!
8. Learning to drive standard fulfills a least four, possibly more, qualities of my "Quality Life". Be brave. Push myself to do something I once thought I couldn't do. Never stop learning. And...overcome a fear. Well, I really set myself up for that, didn't I?
9. Just another reminder that just because I mess up or get frustrated, doesn't mean I, myself, am a bad driver or person. In mortality, we make mistakes, we stall, we fight what we know we should be doing, fall short of our responsibilities, etc. But we can learn, do better, repent, ask forgiveness, and try again. Of course it's embarrassing to stall in the middle of the road or be chastised in front of others--but it's about how we respond afterwards that makes the difference. Do we work to recognize what we did or do we get mad and blame the car (or someone else)?
10. I have a lot more awareness on the road now. Who knows if the poor driver in front of me needs more space because they too are learning stick. And if some one is driving a little bit lurchy and rough, it's ok. See-- trials do teach us compassion and give us empathy.
* Bonus- I look really awesome driving Rhys. Yes, that is what I've decided to name my car.
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