He Doesn't Make Up The Difference- He Is the Difference

In my brief foray into the balance between grace and works last week, I mentioned a talk given by Brad Wilcox entitled "His Grace is Sufficient"- one of my all time favorite devotionals I had the privilege to attend at BYU. In addressing a student's concerns, he explained that, "Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us." Filling us with what? With more grace? With strength and power? With love? Yes, to all of the above. Now hold that thought. I'll come right back to it.

Psychology Today reports that, "All of us have an intense desire to be loved and nurtured. The need to be loved, as Bowlby’s and others’ experiments have shown, could be considered one of our most basic and fundamental needs...Given the importance of the need to be loved, it isn’t surprising that most of us believe that a significant determinant of our happiness is whether we feel loved and cared for....In our pursuit of the need to be loved, however, most of us fail to recognize that we have a parallel need: the need to love and care for others. This desire, it turns out, is just as strong as the need to be loved and nurtured."

I cannot pinpoint a time I first recognized that in myself. It was certainly long before I picked up my first psychology textbook or had a serious romantic relationship. Maybe it started as a little girl playing with baby dolls, or when my younger siblings were born. Growing up, I attributed part of that to being a woman- for the nurturing and giving characteristics commonly associated with women in general- and I embrace it wholeheartedly. I can honestly say that I love to love, to give, to serve. It makes me feel happy and...right.

Somewhere along the way, however, I discovered that it is not enough to simply give love- that I often give and give and give love until I feel emptied out. When I don't feel that level of love in return, I feel like I do not belong, that no matter what I do it will never be enough. There has to be a balance in our need to love and the need to be loved.

So recently, while struggling with this, I attended a musical fireside in my stake. The speaker sat at the piano and alternated playing the piano with giving us advice. One of his suggestions was "be the change you want to see in the world"-a quote from Gandhi if I'm not mistaken. If you need more forgiveness, forgive more. If you want more kindness, be more kind. If you want more love, give love. And as he said that last one, I wondered how that could be true when the more love I gave, the less I felt in return. He suggested we ponder on that while he played this gloriously beautiful piece. And as the notes flooded the chapel, a thought came clearly into my mind- The Savior loves me enough to fill me completely. And when I give love, I don't need anything in return. Other's choices to return love is beyond my control, but I need never feel unloved because my Heavenly Father and Savior love me so entirely.

So back to the idea of grace and how it ties into this. Jesus doesn't just make up the difference- the difference between how much love others give me and how much I need. Jesus makes all the difference- He loves me so as to fill me completely. Love isn't about filling gaps; it's about filling us. It's about learning to love as He loves me and, as I've mentioned before, that kind of love is transformative and empowering.

Don't misunderstand me here- I'm not saying that all you need is a relationship with Christ. We are placed in families for many reasons- to learn to love and support one another, to have those deep bonds of love, etc. We need each other. We need friends, co-workers, neighbors, spouses, children. But how they choose to love us is largely beyond our control and in our limited mortal state we are often unable to love perfectly and completely. But we do not have to let that impede our happiness, our sense of belonging, or our self-worth, because there is one who loves us completely.

President Uchtdorf gave a beautiful talk five years ago entitled The Love of God in which he said it beautifully: "Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you. God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly.Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure,and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken."

And that kind of love makes all the difference.

The Heart Begins to Beat

"When you wait all your life for something and then you find it, it's like a miracle. All the parts inside of you that've been on hold, they open up and start beating. You were ok before, you were good. You had purpose and direction, and everything was just fine. But now it's more. You can't explain what that more is, but you know if you lose it, you'll never be able to fill those empty spaces in just the same way again. Not ever." (Key of Light)

Priorities

Sometimes, life just comes to a head when the pressures build up and the normal coping methods are just not enough. And normally when this occurs I want to blog, to spit it all out there, write it out, and work through it in the process. I'm usually a busy person, going going going. I like to get things done and I always have another project in the wings, waiting in line. But I've learned that it's not enough just to be perpetually doing "something" -it needs to be the right thing.

Elder Oaks put it best when he said, "We should begin by recognizing the reality that just because something is good is not a sufficient reason for doing it. The number of good things we can do far exceeds the time available to accomplish them. Some things are better than good, and these are the things that should command priority attention in our lives."

For example, I want to support those in my ward with their various callings. I arrange my schedule in an effort to always go to FHE, ward temple days, ward sports, ward choir, etc. And I love it- it's my life. But lately, it just feels really heavy. Like I'm running around trying to support everyone and in doing good things, but mixing it all up and making myself frustrated and miserable. So I quit going to softball because I don't like softball and I wasn't having fun. And now I feel guilty for not supporting that facet of my ward family. How do I balance between supporting and helping versus forcing myself to do things I don't want to do or rearranging my own life to do so?

The questions I received in this last general conference are a major tool right now for guiding me in the balancing and prioritizing process. At times it is a day by day thing- one conflict at a time, figuring out what I need to do most in the moment. Deep breath. I can do this.

The Atonement Covers Dating Too

If a friend comes to me for dating or guy advice, my typical response tends to be bold. Put yourself out there, tell him how you feel, etc. I am, after all, an optimistic romantic. I believe in taking risks for love, like my favorite quote by Erica Jong--"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.” I've done it like that before; yes, I got my heart broken a time or two, but I've learned and grown in incredible ways. But it's not easy.

So for the past couple months, I've been "working on" a flirtation. Now, I don't want you to think I'm playing games or scheming, but strategizing might fit. He's important to me and I don't want to mess it up. Because I do have that tendency to rush in and ruin everything. I respect him and care about him. He makes me laugh. challenges me, and makes my heart flutter a little...ok, a lot. Without too much detail, I have this "long game" plan (Dr. Lightman reference if you missed that), basically meaning that this is a slow steady strategy. And it's been moving along quite nicely if I do say so myself. But last night some doubts crept in. All of these other women were flirting with him and suddenly I find myself wondering if I'm really as good for him as I think, wondering if he will ever care about me...and then before you know it, that nasty little voice pipes up with things like "why would anyone love you?" and "you're never going to be good enough for someone like him".

Here I was thinking I'd made great progress in my self confidence, in my ability to openly love, to take chances again. So there I was, sitting in my institute class, feeling immensely stupid and wanting to cry. But I did not. Instead, I mentally told myself to get it together, reminding myself that my stake president had recently told us sisters that "we were born being enough". If he is really as important to me as I've been thinking, then he's worth it. I made myself evaluate if these thoughts (not the last couple) were impressions that this wasn't right for me, or just the standard opposition that comes with anything and anyone worthwhile. I finally decided it was the latter.

Then, just as I'm mentally getting a handle on this turmoil, we start talking about grace in class. About 2 Nephi 25:23-"For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do." That last phrase tends to trouble some who wonder about grace and works, about doing all we can do and yet knowing that alone we can never do enough. (Here is a great talk on the subject if you're interested). That discussion can be a whole other post, but one thing that helped me understand it better was on how you view the pronouns in the scripture. "We" (referring to each and every one of us) are saved, after all "we" (referring to the partnership between each of us and Christ) can do. With him, everything is possible. And we must work at it too, not just hang on to his coat tails, because he is not just saving us- he is teaching us to become like him. Like I said, a post for another time. In the midst of our discussion on grace, someone said something that hit me hard. They said, " I often have to ask myself, 'Am I still trying to do this on my own?' ".

Am I trying to do this on my own? Trying to make it work by sheer will?

I've prayed a lot about dating, about preparing for an eternal marriage and family. I've studied and pondered on how I can improve and prepare personally. But as soon as that question was said in class, I knew I was still trying to do it myself. The one thing I want more than anything, the most important relationship- and I have been trying to develop it on my own. I've prayed for guidance, for inspiration, for opportunities, etc. But the Spirit whispered that I wasn't trusting the Lord enough, that the Atonement covers the insecurities and pitfalls of dating.

I tend to write as my thought process goes, but the biggest take away from this for me was an ever increasing awe and wonder for the breadth and depth of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Not only did He acutely feel the heartache and insecurities of dating, but He also enables us to be our best self, to offer the very best part of ourselves to another person and promise eternity. I know He doesn't make us the "perfect" person for someone else, but instead helps us become perfected with them as we strive to establish a family and progress on the path of discipleship together. I know He is there during the bad blind dates and awkward first ones, and I absolutely know that He is with me when it's time to be brave and risk everything for love.

Answered with Questions

It should not surprise most of you that I am a gospel geek. And I love it. I get excited when I discover a previously unrecognized gem in the scriptures, I light up when I start to discuss the doctrines of the gospel, and treat General Conference like the Super Bowl and World Series combined. So as this past weekend brought another flood of revelation and guidance from modern prophets and apostles, you can imagine I was like a kid at Christmas.

Everyone prepares for and processes conference in their own ways, but in the past few years I would prepare a handful of concrete questions, study them, pray about them, and pay special attention throughout conference for the promptings that came.That was my intention as I began to prepare this time. I came up with a couple questions only to have them resolved or answered in another way, so my prayers began to change to simply giving thanks to my Heavenly Father for the opportunity to hear his prophets speak and to recognize guidance for my life. The incredible answers I received were humbling and... in the form of questions!

Some questions were directly said as part of the talks- "Which way do I face?", "Lord, is it I?", and "Will this make me a better person?''. Most, however, were given as quiet whispers as I listened to each talk, and usually beginning with "How will I improve (or implement)...?". Instead of a prompting to visit a specific person, some of my questions came out as "How can I better sustain and support my leaders?" and "How am I using spiritual implements to recognize spiritual truths?".

We see examples in the scriptures where the Lord answers with a question; when the brother of Jared asks how to get light in the barges, the Lord asks what he thinks should be done. The Savior constantly asked his disciples questions such as "Whom say ye that I am?". When Nephi was given the opportunity to see the vision of the tree of life, the Spirit asked, " What desirest thou?". The Lord asks us questions, not because he doesn't know the answer, but because he wants us to discover if we know the answer yet.

Just as surely as I know the Lord answers our prayers, I know He provides the right questions to help us progress in our path of discipleship. His questions are unquestionably more fine-tunes than mine were, reminding me that He knows me completely and knows of my testimony. He knows I have faith and that I am striving to draw closer to Him, and He is allowing me to discover answers in a way that maximizes growth and understanding.

Well, Now That You Mention It...

You know those moments that make you stop and evaluate yourself? Especially the ones you don't see coming? We all visualize New Year's Day, spring cleaning, and our birthdays as good checkpoints throughout the year to take a closer look at ourselves, our goals, and our progress in life. It's natural at big moments in your life to do so as well- graduation, marriage, births, and deaths. But I didn't expect for someone else's big moment to cause that same introspection.

Going to Oakland for David and Fusi's wedding was wonderful, fantastic, and amazing! Seeing them together was pure magic and I felt myself sighing a little every time they looked at each other. I'm not even sure I can put this into words- it just reminded me that that is what I want, what I'm searching for. And when I get discouraged in the shark pool we call dating, I remember the way they looked at each other, the way they laughed and danced and smiled and kissed like they were/are going to explode from all the joy and love.

See what I mean?!

On top of the cute couple, the love radiating from their families was a delight. The Tongan and Colombian cultures are possibly two of the most loving and generous people you will ever find and it just caused me to reaffirm that I want to create a family like that. I don't necessarily need to marry a Tongan or Latino ( though I would love to!), to emulate some of those traits. I want to incorporate the love of tradition and culture, as well as making everyone feel like family. I want to create a wedding and a marriage that celebrates family and life to the fullest, one that reflects the eternal truths we hold dear and helps all of us to draw closer to the Savior. I hope you can forgive me for all the "I want"ing, but I just wanted to share that wonderful aspect of the time for me.

Me and Mama Latu! Ofa' atu!

It also came just before one of my favorite times for self-evaluation. General Conference!!! We are now T minus 3 days until possibly my favorite weekend of the year. We got a little taste this last Saturday during the Women's Meeting where they focused on preparation and the temple and President Uchtdorf lovingly reminded us how how much Heavenly Father loves each of us. Twice a year I feel like I have an opportunity to do an overall reflection with the guidance of modern prophets and apostles as well as the Spirit. I invite ya'll to do the same.