Going Through A Car Wash Backwards

Kind of a funny story...on my mission, my companion and I had been working with a family we dearly loved. They were struggling with a few things and for several weeks did not return phone calls or answer the door when we stopped by. My wonderful companion and I kept them in our prayers and when we felt prompted we would stop by. ( We would learn later that every time we stopped by and left a note, it was a reminder they needed!) Anyway, after one such attempt, we had driven out of the neighborhood and down the street when she called us! We were so excited to hear from her and even more so when she told us she didn't get to the door fast enough and wanted us to return! Excitedly we looked for a place to turn around and turned into a gas station at the corner. In our haste, we failed to realize that we had started to go around the gas station in the exit lane for the car wash. Once we realized, we couldn't really back up and so we went through the car wash backwards! Obviously very carefully and feeling incredibly guilty. No harm to the car or the car wash and we made it back and had a wonderful visit. But it makes for a funny story : )

The whole point of my humorous little tale is that somehow that very idea illustrates my struggle of the past two months. I feel like I've been trying unsuccessfully to drive through the car wash backwards. Perhaps you remember my tirade of a blog back in January about love taking hostages and my overly optimistic follow up. That first week after he obliterated my heart, I immediately went into all my coping techniques- letting myself cry, eat ice cream, workout, dance and have fun, watch favorite movies, hang out with friends, pampered myself, etc. I went through the whole list and after a week basically told myself, " Okay, time's up. What were the positive learning outcomes of the experience?" etc. I feel stupid just writing that. And while I didn't literally tell myself that, I pretty much tried to do it just like that. I tried to rush to the end of the recovery process by identifying the positive aspects and opportunities from the experience. In essence, I tried to drive through the car wash backwards.

And let me tell you--it doesn't work very well. In all my efforts to be "okay", I've been slowly falling apart. There's a quote from "It Takes Two" about love- "It's got to be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, World Series kind of stuff, right". However great in theory, this whole can't sleep and can't eat thing is really getting to be a problem. I have trouble sleeping- even when I'm tired I stay up doing pointless things and then struggle to wake up after snoozing my alarm four times. Most days I have no appetite, doing just water and protein shakes. Then one day, I want to eat cupcakes, pizza, and any other junk food within reach. I find myself getting mad and impatient at the smallest provocation, which isn't like me. I've lost interest in doing things I actually love doing- my reading of the three books I was working on has dwindled to a snail's pace. I put on movies and just stare mindlessly at the screen before realizing I've been crying for half the film. I didn't really put all these things together until this past weekend when I had a breakdown. I cancelled almost everything I had planned and curled up in bed to cry for nearly two days. And the worst part? I didn't want to feel better- I just wanted to be miserable. Mostly because if I just stay broken, I don't have to go through the whole process of putting myself back together. If I just stay broken, I don't have to go through the whole horrible devastation of falling in love alone. Again. Part of me wonders if I really deserve to be happy.

 Sure there were well-meaning friends who told me things along the lines of "He wasn't worth it anyway", " You didn't really even date. Can't you just let it go?", and "You're being a little dramatic- (wo)man up!". While I appreciated all those sentiments, I must admit that the real pressure to be "alright" was internal. As a return missionary, a covenant making and keeping disciple striving to actively live the gospel and apply the Atonement on a daily basis in my life, I have somehow gotten this idea that if I can't turn around and give a certain burden or trial to the Savior, then I'm failing as a Latter-day Saint. I've spent so much time studying and striving to understand how to apply the Atonement, and when hit by this particular trial I didn't want to give up the pain. It's not that I think He doesn't understand. He absolutely does. It's not that I think He can't heal me. I know He can and will. But I think part of me is struggling to trust in the Lord's timing. Maybe a part of me, after praying and working and trusting in going forward in this last endeavor, feels that I betrayed myself. After following spiritual promptings and counseling with the Lord, and still ending up crippled by the pain of this heartbreak, I'm disappointed in myself. Almost as if I misinterpreted feelings because I wanted it so bad. I'm not a perfect person, at all, and maybe with my mistakes and pride, I feel as if don't deserve to be happy. I know that part of that are the lies of the adversary who preys on that insecurity of mine, but the other part I really have to work on. The Atonement even covers the pain of wanting to hold onto the pain, not just the heartache of being broken but also the misery of wanting to stay that way. I'm not resolving anything in this post, just trying to be honest with myself. And the more it hurts, the more I realize that the Savior is just waiting for me to turn to Him and put my heart in His hands. I would never want someone I love to hold on so tightly to the pain, yet I'm beating myself up when I know exactly how to let it go. I don't mean to whine and complain when so many around me struggle with incredibly hard trials and worse heartaches. But this one has me flat on my back struggling to breathe even two months later and I have to acknowledge that I'm not okay. But I will be. Eventually. One day.