Letter To My Younger Self

In light of my high reunion on the horizon, reflections caused me to write this letter to my 17 year old self upon graduation.

Dear Kristi,
Congrats on graduating high school! But to be honest, it wasn't really a challenge for you. At least not the way it is for some. The challenge is on the horizon, but you don't know that yet. You are so ready for the next step, itching to move on and forward to whatever the next stage holds. You have a whole life plan, broken down into sections and goals with steps. Just barely in the last year, you started to realize that you are so much more than just your accomplishments, but you aren't quite sure what that means so you cling ever more tightly to these goals. Almost as if you believe that if you can just reach them, then you will understand. It doesn't work that way. It's a process, love. No degree or accomplishment or accolade will make you the woman you want to become. Don't misunderstand, goals are important and plans to reach them are essential. Yet the kind of goals you are making now are, well... cookie cutter, static, banal, predictable, and lacking individuality. They are the goals you think everyone else wants you to make. It's not true. Sure, others will talk about those categories of goals in general- education, career, financial- but the sooner you learn that you can set a goal for both the process and the end result, the sooner you will discover joy in the journey.

Up until now in your life, Success has been your tutor. But now Failure will take over. And it will hit you hard. You will failure gloriously Kristi and it will take you years to see the beauty in it. If I could give you just one piece of advice, it would be to not take failure as a description of yourself. You can miss the mark, but that does not make you a failure as a person. You are still learning, growing, still in process to become the kind of person you want to be. Not what, who. 

At the same time you are holding to these rigid expectations of yourself, you are trying to prepare and plan for having your own family in the future. So you try to define yourself by your relationships- by trying to be the best daughters, sister, friend, and girlfriend. And you will break yourself apart by doing so. I would not change what happened even if I could because it has brought us here. But I wish you would love yourself a little more, a little deeper, more unconditionally. Embrace your quirks and accept your flaws. The sooner you can love yourself, the sooner you will find that love reflected all around you wherever you go.

Knock-em dead Kristi. 

All my love. 

Of course, writing to yourself can be a great therapeutic device but I'm pretty sure I'd already done it before this letter. The point in sharing I suppose would be to put out this advice to anyone in that position. Anyone moving from one stage to another, anyone who is holding so tight to their plans and expectations, for anyone else who tries to plan for this unpredictable thing called life. As Maya Angelou once said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”