Black Coats and Green Mats

I live in a city of black coats and green mats.

I thought it was a joke when someone told me that everyone in New York wears black coats in the winter. I mean, really? A city known for it's individuality and fashion and the people mostly wear black coats? Well, my friends, it's TRUE! I am not sure if it is because black is stylish or slimming, if it's all they sell in the stores here or if it's harder to see dirt or smog on a black coat, but the city is a swarm of black on cold days. I own a maroon coat and a bright red one. Most of the time I am the only one with a colorful jacket in the subway car. And I'm ok with that. I like feeling that I'm not a New Yorker. Is that strange? I think in general, I personally like to fit in, to feel like I belong. However, growing up and moving lots of places, and now as an adult as well, I've come to learn that where I reside has very little to do with who I am. For some, where they were born or grew up or live now is a huge part of their identity. Not for me. I can live somewhere and find everything good and learn from experiences there while at the same time contributing everything I have to offer. I know lots of people here in the city who are proud New Yorkers and that is awesome. I have come to know many people who simply are here for a job, for family, for awhile.  And I reserve judgement on those who come and want to fit in and belong here. Put on that black coat- you will feel right at home. But I love to see those occasional individuals with their other colored coats- the rebels, those who refuse to change who they are under the pressure of this city.

At the same time that I say there is this almost unspoken uniformity in outerwear, I am reminded of the green mats. At my school, we use place mats for the children when having snack or eating lunch. Blue signifies that the child has no food restrictions or preferences. Red alerts us to an allergy. And green indicates a preference- something that we honor strictly but is not a medical allergy. It can be any number of things from Kosher to only food prepared by parents, no processed food etc. I have learned so much about traditions of the Jewish Passover in regards to food and restrictions, as well as during Lent for those students who had changes in their regular eating. Maybe it's a silly example, but it reminds me that there are so many complexities that we cannot see in people. These children do not "appear" any different that those children without any preferences. And even though I can't say that I know all the people I see on the trains everyday, I am sure they all have intricacies that are invisible to the eye. Maybe all I can see is a black coat, but everyone has a green mat. Those black jackets are just the tip of a very complex iceberg. New York is teaching me to look beyond what I can see, those first impressions, the tendency to judge quickly, and to give everyone a bit more grace.

Tall Buildings and Tiny Spaces

I live in a city of tall buildings and tiny spaces. So much about New York City is larger than life, or maybe people seeing how large they can live or maybe it's just full of people wanting to be part of something larger than their own lives. You can walk around the city and sometimes only see up and down the street you are walking on because the buildings block your vision of what's just around the corner. One time I was meeting my husband at the Oculus downtown near the 9/11 Memorial and I knew I was close, but all the buildings around obstructed it until I almost ran into it. (It's not a small building by the way.) Perhaps because you can't see more than what is in front of you, it can be easy to feel disconnected from things that are near you. Manhattan is a small island surrounded by other islands- Brooklyn, Queens, Long Island, Bronx then mainland New York. Even though I know where I am geographically in relation to those places, they are so far from my view and daily life that they aren't really real to me. In juxtaposition to this, so many things are crammed together into smaller and smaller spaces. Rather than most storefronts being wide with several doors, so many are narrow and long. Small apartments are often split up even further as families rent out rooms, like where we were for the past three months. Moving into our own apartment last week was both exhausting and exhilarating since we finally have our own refuge in this overwhelming city. In our own little corners, sometimes it can still be challenging to block out the chaos around us. Ironic, isn't it? That the city shields us from seeing around the next corner, while at the same time we can't shut it out no matter how hard we try. On the other hand, when you ascend to the top of these buildings, you can see for miles. When you go up, you can see the connections- millions of intersections, people passing, etc. With some effort, you can step back or up to see how what appears on the surface to be isolated individuals are really thousands, if not millions, of connections. People come to New York City for lots of reasons and stay for others. They come with dreams burning inside, to learn, to achieve, to shine, to become who they want to be. Some come searching, some come fleeing. Everyone finds more than they thought they would. It's a place that demands the very best from you and gives you so many opportunities to give it. Amidst the tall buildings and tiny spaces, I live in a city of connections.

Settling In

Breaking radio silence. Yes, hello again. I know, I've been absent after dropping the big engagement news. But you must agree that getting married, traveling through 6 states, moving to New York, and all those adjustments have kept me pretty busy. It's been a whirlwind 3 months, but part of my New Years goals includes regularly blogging here. Partly because I find myself in a new phase of life- newlywed and starting my own home/family. Partly because I'm starting this next stage in an exciting new place- the Big Apple herself,  New York City. And lastly, because as I start these new adventures I find myself far from most of my friends and family and I want to stay connected.

Speaking of staying connected, as a young college student there was a joke amongst my friends about our friends that got married. We jokingly said that when they started dating it was like they got sick- we saw them less frequently. When they got engaged it was as if they had slipped into a coma- completely unresponsive to friends and prior activities. And upon marriage, they died and we mourned their loss in our lives. Depending on the person, about a year later they were resurrected and we rejoiced at the opportunity to enjoy that friendship again.  A little harsh I suppose, but on the other side it absolutely felt like that. I will apologize right now if I have made any of my friends feel like this. Right now is a time of lots of transitions and adjustments for me personally, but I so dearly cherish my connections and friendships.

As I mourned the loss of friends after their marriages, I suppose I assumed that part of their disconnection was that they were wrapped up in newlywed bliss and well,...in the bedroom. Well, that may be a consideration, now I can add a bit more depth. There is a definite adjustment within a relationship and what you can share with other people about your relationship. What is appropriate to share? It doesn't feel right to tell your best friends or you mom about something your husband did that bothers you or even made you mad. There is a distinct difference between telling the friends all about those crazy bad dates you endured and about sharing details of your marriage. A sacred trust and confidence comes with marriage, one that includes a lot of vulnerability and emotional intimacy between husband and wife. And as you seek to communicate, it should really only be between the couple and the Lord. I'm not saying that you shouldn't speak up if something is wrong or that you can never talk about your marriage with the appropriate people. I just want to share that insight for someone who maybe thought what I did after my friends got married. I'm still here, but I can't share all the details of this new part of my life because it's not just mine to share. It's ours.

Friends keep asking if I'm settled in yet. And I keep making a crazy face when they ask because I think to myself, "Settled in? What is that? What do you mean? Do you mean, that after three months of marriage, moving to New York City, finding a job, and searching for an apartment, is everything all normal and routine?" Because my answer is still- not quite (or not at all if I'm being really honest). I live in a city that refuses to settle. My husband always says that this is a city of opportunities, where if you don't like your job you can always find something better. And you see that a lot. People moving from job to job, apartment to apartment in search of what they want. Sure, I have met people who have lived in the same apartment for 25 years, or had the same job for a long time, but there is an attitude in this city of refusing to settle on your dreams. If you want something, you need to search for it and grab it with two hands. I admire that attitude about New Yorkers and the city. Whereas my small town girl heart does want to be a little more settled, I know that will come as I adjust. But I hope to learn from this city to never settle on those things that matter most.

Throughout this year, I will be doing a series of "I live in a city that..." posts to document my experience in the Big Apple. I hope to share some insights that are different from the stereotypes and bring me great joy within the city.

Two Stories For Two Months To Go

In two months I get to marry German!!!!!! And there was much rejoicing. So, in honor of this countdown milestone (and because I need a break from wedding planning, job applications for New York, and figuring out how to move my stuff,) I've decided to share a few cute moments of our journey together.

I've told the story of knowing that I was going to marry him after the first phone call. I sat there wondering if it was the Spirit or wishful thinking. There was nothing that suggested it would be in this timetable or anything so I just kept going, talking to him, getting to know each other. A week after we met I had planned to go to the Grand Canyon with some friends on the 4th of July and to watch the sunrise. Something that has been on my bucket list for several years. We left in the middle of the night to drive up and be there for sunrise. We were the first people to arrive at the vista and waited about 30 minutes before the sun started peeking out. It is hard to describe how profound that experience was for me. Not just the beauty of the canyon, or how the light illuminated and changed the canyon with every passing minute. It was the spiritual parallel that really touched my soul- waiting for the light, every single person eagerly waiting for and facing the sun, and the transforming effect that light had upon the people as well as the canyon. Okay, I digress a bit. So as I'm watching this and having lots of profound thoughts suddenly I think, "I wish German was here so I could share this with him." And following right behind that thought was "I want to go on adventures with him. Maybe forever." I can honestly say I've never quite had those sentiments about another relationship that quickly. I called him from the Grand Canyon and sent pictures and a postcard (which he never got, but that's another story). That really set the stage for my next story.

The second story I want to share happened just a week after that. I had a horrible day at work- the kind where you almost quit before lunch- and typically I like to be alone after those kind of days. But after a bit of time by myself, I realized I just wanted to talk to him. So as I was talking to him I drove to the Gilbert Temple and sat outside in my car while we talked, read scriptures together, and prayed. And in the course of that conversation, he said some things that echoed my patriarchal blessing and dreams that I've had. So, of course, I'm sitting there with tears streaming down my face but trying not to let him know I was crying ( don't worry, I told him later). And the Spirit whispered punched me and said "Do you get the hint yet?" And suddenly, everything I'd ever wanted and have prepared and waited for was right in front of me and it was not the butterfly and rainbow feeling. It was a clutch in my stomach and an ache in my chest. If I had been falling for him before, I hit the ground full force in that moment. It was scary and real and ready-or-not-here-we-go. I called my mom and best friend in a crying-laughing way to try to explain what just happened and how everything changed for me in that moment.

I hope you enjoyed hearing some of our journey and I can't wait to celebrate with all of you in just two months!!!

Unapologetically In Love

So I'm engaged!!! 

For readers of this blog, that might come as a surprise. Last time I wrote on here I was still healing from a devastating relationship and falling in love with myself and life again. As the new relationship developed, I was hesitant to share details too soon as I have done that before only to regret it later. I had just bled all over ( literally and figuratively) and I thought the last thing I need is to put my fragile heart back out there. But the Lord had another plan for me and, when I least expected it, put someone absolutely incredible in my life.

Let me be clear about something first though. In the difficulty of the past year or so and losing myself a bit, I vowed I was going to really love myself and really love life. I made goals that I have actively pursued since January like traveling, taking piano lessons, being involved in more service, getting healthy again, etc. It was a very active and deliberate course of faith to love who I am and everything around me including opportunities, places, and little moments. I truly believe that because I moved in that direction despite the pain and depression that haunted me, I have been blessed to find the relationship I have with my fiance, German.

It has been a whirlwind relationship as we met this summer and both were serious about a relationship from the beginning. We met on a dating app and I remember that after I talked to him on the phone for the first time, I sat in my car and thought, "Wow, I'm going to marry him." I just knew. I know you hear stories about that from other people, but it never is going to happen to you, right? But it did and I am so grateful. Five days after I met him I bought a ticket to visit him in New York, recognizing that a turning point in my life was coming. Rarely do I think we can see those coming, so I have done my best to prepare (long before this and as it was happening). For both of us it has been a profoundly romantic and spiritual journey as we have sought guidance and counsel through prayer, studying the scriptures, fasting, and attending the temple. And we are moving forward in faith, though from the outside the timing and circumstances of the relationship may not be conventional or even rational.

I expected the questions and concerns from family and friends- they love me and want this to be a good thing. I did not expect, however, the push back, negative responses, and criticisms. You may be wondering why I am even giving any thought to those who are less than supportive, especially when I do have a lot of love and support coming in. But I will say something because I've been on the other side. I have watched dozens of friends get married, then have babies, etc. And though I tried never to vocalize my jealousy or display bitterness, at times it was a struggle. Though I never missed a bridal shower or reception because of how I felt, there were a few times I left someone else's sealing or reception and cried, wondering if that would ever be me. So if you are reading this today and are fighting between being happy for me and miserable about your situation today, that is completely okay. If this is a trigger for you, I get that and I'm sorry. If it is battle for you to see all my wedding planning posts and cutesy pictures with German, I will support you if you hide my posts for the next few months. I have done it to friends before just to preserve my own sanity. However you need to deal with this change in my life (if it effects you at all), I will support you and try to understand how you feel. I will not allow you to shadow the joy and peace I feel, but I will give you space to deal with your shadows. You never have to tell me if this is you, but if you want I will talk to you about it. I will not apologize for how excited I am for this new stage and adventure in my life, but I will cry with you if your heart is breaking.

I look forward to writing more again, to keeping you all updated about wedding plans and plans to move to New York. Check out my wedding website here and give me your address to get a wedding invitation here.

The Other End of the Tunnel

Nearly six months have passed since I broke my heart (again) over a good man. In the weeks immediately following I was alright, looking for the positive and assuring myself that it wasn't the end. I didn't even realize I was falling until I hit the ground. And my goodness, it broke almost everything in me. The next four months would be some of the darkest moments in my 26 years of life. It was as if I was dropped into a deep tunnel and left to navigate the impenetrable darkness alone. Emotional and mental anguish soon became physical health issues like internal bleeding, anemia, insomnia, lack of appetite and memory loss. Debilitating depression alternately caused excruciating pain and dangerous numbness. Seeking help, I got put on hold when I called the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I took some days one hour at a time, picking just one thing to hold onto, to look forward to, or commit to.

Today I came out the other end of the tunnel.

For me, it was the peace and hope offered through General Conference that pulled me out of the abyss. For you, it will probably be something different. I'm writing today not simply to document my saga or keep my friends updated, but because this crucible has taught me some lessons so I pray that in being vulnerable I can reach and help others still down in their own tunnels. I'm going to stick with my tunnel metaphor as opposed to the normal obstacle course that is life to emphasize the heavy darkness that accompanied this particular journey.

I didn't panic right off- after all, I've been in dark places and tight spots before. I had a go-to list of what I needed to do: talk with my friends, let myself cry, pray, study the scriptures, go to the temple, volunteer, listen to conference talks, magnify my calling, keep a gratitude journal, do family history and indexing, seek medical and professional help as needed, etc. And I set to the task of pressing forward with faith. Maybe the tunnel was longer than any previous trial I'd endured or the smothering weight of the darkness heavier than I was prepared for, but after a few months the insidious doubts set in. Perhaps I wasn't being faithful enough, or maybe I had unresolved sin or pride that was preventing me from feeling the peace and hope that I know the gospel brings. My dear friends, whatever you are going through, don't stop acting in faith regardless of the feelings that may or may not come. I specifically remember pleading to the Lord while in the temple just to feel His love and no reassurance was forthcoming. I know, I know, with my whole soul that there is no darkness that the light of the Savior cannot penetrate, but I couldn't find it. Build your testimony and conversion on the confirmation the Spirit has whispered to your soul time and time again, but do not hang your faith on always feeling those feelings. Keep connecting to the the Lord through prayer, scripture study, and faithful Sabbath day worship, but don't do it for what you hope to get in return- instead hold onto your testimony that it is the commandment of the Lord. Trials do not always come due to lack of faith and they do not always depart with increased faithfulness.

During this ordeal, there were a few flashes of light as some friends attempted to illuminate my path. Instead of helping, these flashes were blinding and disorienting. Whatever wisdom or assurance they offered, while well-meaning and loving, it would send me on wild goose chases down dead ends. I would  throw myself into correcting something they suggested in the vain attempt to dig my way out while I had a flash of light. But when the flash was gone, the darkness would be worse than before and cripple my morale. Hopefully you will have friends who will love you through your darkest tunnels, but keep in mind that how they love you might not solve the problem or even ease the ache. Don't be mad at them if they don't quite understand. One of the worst aspects of any heartbreaking experience is that you will feel alone and misunderstood and the adversary will prey off that pain. Every force will combine to isolate you and cause you to withdraw from those who love you most. Some people need to talk through their tunnel, others need...not to talk. Communicate as well as you can to your friends and family that though the darkness may choke you, you love and need them.

To some degree I knew this next one, but I've gained a new depth and perspective on allowing myself to feel and experience every stage of the journey. This personal tunnel of mine was not like a train tunnel, rather a rabbit hole and a long twisted jungle. Some days were angry, some were sad, others hopeless and still others were numb. I was so hard on myself, frustrated that I couldn't just acknowledge all these feelings, give them to God, and move on. I tried, I really did. Sometimes the Lord does not lighten a load because He is teaching you what you can carry. The saying goes that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but sometimes it just kills off a portion- your hope, your perspective, your vision. The pain and darkness are going to change you, but sometimes you can consciously decide what to let go of. Pride, control, anger. My heart-wrenching experience became the vehicle for refining my soul and humbling me before the Lord and I cannot begin to express my joy and excitement when I realized that I had finally emerged. But if you are reading this in the midst of your own tunnel no matter if it's six months or six years, press forward in faith, be kind to yourself, and hold onto the lifeline that you are not alone.

Black Holes and Broken Hearts

I have this theory. Today when I went to the Science Center, I saw the incredible planetarium show which ended with the host showing us a funny music video about black holes. Just a random clip at the end of a beautiful astronomy lesson. But I came up with a theory which is that all the black holes are women's broken hearts. 

NASA says that "A black hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light can not get out. The gravity is so strong because matter has been squeezed into a tiny space. This can happen when a star is dying. Because no light can get out, people can't see black holes. They are invisible." Sound familiar?

At the center of every black hole, there is a time space singularity- the moment of impact, the breaking point when everything stopped as it all crumbled. The gravity of that singlarity and it's implications affects the very fabric of life. Not even your light can get out of the prison walls that once was your heart. Everything that mattered is squeezed into a tiny space, that space between no one notices and no one cares. This can happen when a woman is dying. Because her light can't get out, people can't see her. They are invisible.