Two Stories For Two Months To Go

In two months I get to marry German!!!!!! And there was much rejoicing. So, in honor of this countdown milestone (and because I need a break from wedding planning, job applications for New York, and figuring out how to move my stuff,) I've decided to share a few cute moments of our journey together.

I've told the story of knowing that I was going to marry him after the first phone call. I sat there wondering if it was the Spirit or wishful thinking. There was nothing that suggested it would be in this timetable or anything so I just kept going, talking to him, getting to know each other. A week after we met I had planned to go to the Grand Canyon with some friends on the 4th of July and to watch the sunrise. Something that has been on my bucket list for several years. We left in the middle of the night to drive up and be there for sunrise. We were the first people to arrive at the vista and waited about 30 minutes before the sun started peeking out. It is hard to describe how profound that experience was for me. Not just the beauty of the canyon, or how the light illuminated and changed the canyon with every passing minute. It was the spiritual parallel that really touched my soul- waiting for the light, every single person eagerly waiting for and facing the sun, and the transforming effect that light had upon the people as well as the canyon. Okay, I digress a bit. So as I'm watching this and having lots of profound thoughts suddenly I think, "I wish German was here so I could share this with him." And following right behind that thought was "I want to go on adventures with him. Maybe forever." I can honestly say I've never quite had those sentiments about another relationship that quickly. I called him from the Grand Canyon and sent pictures and a postcard (which he never got, but that's another story). That really set the stage for my next story.

The second story I want to share happened just a week after that. I had a horrible day at work- the kind where you almost quit before lunch- and typically I like to be alone after those kind of days. But after a bit of time by myself, I realized I just wanted to talk to him. So as I was talking to him I drove to the Gilbert Temple and sat outside in my car while we talked, read scriptures together, and prayed. And in the course of that conversation, he said some things that echoed my patriarchal blessing and dreams that I've had. So, of course, I'm sitting there with tears streaming down my face but trying not to let him know I was crying ( don't worry, I told him later). And the Spirit whispered punched me and said "Do you get the hint yet?" And suddenly, everything I'd ever wanted and have prepared and waited for was right in front of me and it was not the butterfly and rainbow feeling. It was a clutch in my stomach and an ache in my chest. If I had been falling for him before, I hit the ground full force in that moment. It was scary and real and ready-or-not-here-we-go. I called my mom and best friend in a crying-laughing way to try to explain what just happened and how everything changed for me in that moment.

I hope you enjoyed hearing some of our journey and I can't wait to celebrate with all of you in just two months!!!

Unapologetically In Love

So I'm engaged!!! 

For readers of this blog, that might come as a surprise. Last time I wrote on here I was still healing from a devastating relationship and falling in love with myself and life again. As the new relationship developed, I was hesitant to share details too soon as I have done that before only to regret it later. I had just bled all over ( literally and figuratively) and I thought the last thing I need is to put my fragile heart back out there. But the Lord had another plan for me and, when I least expected it, put someone absolutely incredible in my life.

Let me be clear about something first though. In the difficulty of the past year or so and losing myself a bit, I vowed I was going to really love myself and really love life. I made goals that I have actively pursued since January like traveling, taking piano lessons, being involved in more service, getting healthy again, etc. It was a very active and deliberate course of faith to love who I am and everything around me including opportunities, places, and little moments. I truly believe that because I moved in that direction despite the pain and depression that haunted me, I have been blessed to find the relationship I have with my fiance, German.

It has been a whirlwind relationship as we met this summer and both were serious about a relationship from the beginning. We met on a dating app and I remember that after I talked to him on the phone for the first time, I sat in my car and thought, "Wow, I'm going to marry him." I just knew. I know you hear stories about that from other people, but it never is going to happen to you, right? But it did and I am so grateful. Five days after I met him I bought a ticket to visit him in New York, recognizing that a turning point in my life was coming. Rarely do I think we can see those coming, so I have done my best to prepare (long before this and as it was happening). For both of us it has been a profoundly romantic and spiritual journey as we have sought guidance and counsel through prayer, studying the scriptures, fasting, and attending the temple. And we are moving forward in faith, though from the outside the timing and circumstances of the relationship may not be conventional or even rational.

I expected the questions and concerns from family and friends- they love me and want this to be a good thing. I did not expect, however, the push back, negative responses, and criticisms. You may be wondering why I am even giving any thought to those who are less than supportive, especially when I do have a lot of love and support coming in. But I will say something because I've been on the other side. I have watched dozens of friends get married, then have babies, etc. And though I tried never to vocalize my jealousy or display bitterness, at times it was a struggle. Though I never missed a bridal shower or reception because of how I felt, there were a few times I left someone else's sealing or reception and cried, wondering if that would ever be me. So if you are reading this today and are fighting between being happy for me and miserable about your situation today, that is completely okay. If this is a trigger for you, I get that and I'm sorry. If it is battle for you to see all my wedding planning posts and cutesy pictures with German, I will support you if you hide my posts for the next few months. I have done it to friends before just to preserve my own sanity. However you need to deal with this change in my life (if it effects you at all), I will support you and try to understand how you feel. I will not allow you to shadow the joy and peace I feel, but I will give you space to deal with your shadows. You never have to tell me if this is you, but if you want I will talk to you about it. I will not apologize for how excited I am for this new stage and adventure in my life, but I will cry with you if your heart is breaking.

I look forward to writing more again, to keeping you all updated about wedding plans and plans to move to New York. Check out my wedding website here and give me your address to get a wedding invitation here.

The Other End of the Tunnel

Nearly six months have passed since I broke my heart (again) over a good man. In the weeks immediately following I was alright, looking for the positive and assuring myself that it wasn't the end. I didn't even realize I was falling until I hit the ground. And my goodness, it broke almost everything in me. The next four months would be some of the darkest moments in my 26 years of life. It was as if I was dropped into a deep tunnel and left to navigate the impenetrable darkness alone. Emotional and mental anguish soon became physical health issues like internal bleeding, anemia, insomnia, lack of appetite and memory loss. Debilitating depression alternately caused excruciating pain and dangerous numbness. Seeking help, I got put on hold when I called the Suicide Prevention Hotline. I took some days one hour at a time, picking just one thing to hold onto, to look forward to, or commit to.

Today I came out the other end of the tunnel.

For me, it was the peace and hope offered through General Conference that pulled me out of the abyss. For you, it will probably be something different. I'm writing today not simply to document my saga or keep my friends updated, but because this crucible has taught me some lessons so I pray that in being vulnerable I can reach and help others still down in their own tunnels. I'm going to stick with my tunnel metaphor as opposed to the normal obstacle course that is life to emphasize the heavy darkness that accompanied this particular journey.

I didn't panic right off- after all, I've been in dark places and tight spots before. I had a go-to list of what I needed to do: talk with my friends, let myself cry, pray, study the scriptures, go to the temple, volunteer, listen to conference talks, magnify my calling, keep a gratitude journal, do family history and indexing, seek medical and professional help as needed, etc. And I set to the task of pressing forward with faith. Maybe the tunnel was longer than any previous trial I'd endured or the smothering weight of the darkness heavier than I was prepared for, but after a few months the insidious doubts set in. Perhaps I wasn't being faithful enough, or maybe I had unresolved sin or pride that was preventing me from feeling the peace and hope that I know the gospel brings. My dear friends, whatever you are going through, don't stop acting in faith regardless of the feelings that may or may not come. I specifically remember pleading to the Lord while in the temple just to feel His love and no reassurance was forthcoming. I know, I know, with my whole soul that there is no darkness that the light of the Savior cannot penetrate, but I couldn't find it. Build your testimony and conversion on the confirmation the Spirit has whispered to your soul time and time again, but do not hang your faith on always feeling those feelings. Keep connecting to the the Lord through prayer, scripture study, and faithful Sabbath day worship, but don't do it for what you hope to get in return- instead hold onto your testimony that it is the commandment of the Lord. Trials do not always come due to lack of faith and they do not always depart with increased faithfulness.

During this ordeal, there were a few flashes of light as some friends attempted to illuminate my path. Instead of helping, these flashes were blinding and disorienting. Whatever wisdom or assurance they offered, while well-meaning and loving, it would send me on wild goose chases down dead ends. I would  throw myself into correcting something they suggested in the vain attempt to dig my way out while I had a flash of light. But when the flash was gone, the darkness would be worse than before and cripple my morale. Hopefully you will have friends who will love you through your darkest tunnels, but keep in mind that how they love you might not solve the problem or even ease the ache. Don't be mad at them if they don't quite understand. One of the worst aspects of any heartbreaking experience is that you will feel alone and misunderstood and the adversary will prey off that pain. Every force will combine to isolate you and cause you to withdraw from those who love you most. Some people need to talk through their tunnel, others need...not to talk. Communicate as well as you can to your friends and family that though the darkness may choke you, you love and need them.

To some degree I knew this next one, but I've gained a new depth and perspective on allowing myself to feel and experience every stage of the journey. This personal tunnel of mine was not like a train tunnel, rather a rabbit hole and a long twisted jungle. Some days were angry, some were sad, others hopeless and still others were numb. I was so hard on myself, frustrated that I couldn't just acknowledge all these feelings, give them to God, and move on. I tried, I really did. Sometimes the Lord does not lighten a load because He is teaching you what you can carry. The saying goes that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but sometimes it just kills off a portion- your hope, your perspective, your vision. The pain and darkness are going to change you, but sometimes you can consciously decide what to let go of. Pride, control, anger. My heart-wrenching experience became the vehicle for refining my soul and humbling me before the Lord and I cannot begin to express my joy and excitement when I realized that I had finally emerged. But if you are reading this in the midst of your own tunnel no matter if it's six months or six years, press forward in faith, be kind to yourself, and hold onto the lifeline that you are not alone.

Black Holes and Broken Hearts

I have this theory. Today when I went to the Science Center, I saw the incredible planetarium show which ended with the host showing us a funny music video about black holes. Just a random clip at the end of a beautiful astronomy lesson. But I came up with a theory which is that all the black holes are women's broken hearts. 

NASA says that "A black hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light can not get out. The gravity is so strong because matter has been squeezed into a tiny space. This can happen when a star is dying. Because no light can get out, people can't see black holes. They are invisible." Sound familiar?

At the center of every black hole, there is a time space singularity- the moment of impact, the breaking point when everything stopped as it all crumbled. The gravity of that singlarity and it's implications affects the very fabric of life. Not even your light can get out of the prison walls that once was your heart. Everything that mattered is squeezed into a tiny space, that space between no one notices and no one cares. This can happen when a woman is dying. Because her light can't get out, people can't see her. They are invisible. 

Celebrate A New Year

Leading up to New Year's, I thought a lot about how I needed to improve and redirect. Those thoughts, as per usual, included my lovely Relief Society sisters. This was the email I felt inspired to write and send to my girls on New Year's Eve. And even ten days into 2017, I know this message is still relevant so I'm sharing it again:

Dear sisters, ladies, women whom I count as dear friends, 

I have been thinking about all of you a lot this week. I hope you all had a very merry Christmas and were able to enjoy time with loved ones and took time to express gratitude and love for the Savior. I know He is the reason for the season! My thoughts have turned towards the new year, both ones of eager anticipation and disappointment. Disappointment because there were things I worked towards this past year that just didn't work out, goals I made that I fell short of, and expectations of myself that could have been better. And if you are anything like me, I'm sure you can reflect on where you could have improved this last year. That reflection is only useful if we will use it to propel us forward, to inspire us to change and to be a little better. Which is where the eager anticipation comes in. We have a whole new year- 365 fresh starts and new beginnings. As Anne Shirley once said, "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." I hope you will take a minute today or in this next week to let go of some of the things you are carrying around that don't need to ring in the new year with you. Things like disgust or shame, feeling not good enough, bitterness or a grudge. Let go of anything that doesn't serve you, that isn't teaching you, and that doesn't draw you closer to the Lord. Be aware that feelings of guilt or sadness can sometimes be tools in our process of repentance or healing and are not necessarily your enemy unless you choose to ignore them.

With the space you make in your life with all the things you are going to let go ( I know, yes you can sing the song if it helps :), my dearest wish is that you will fill it with things of beauty and power. We often talk of making resolutions to celebrate a New Year- the word resolution meaning "the firm decision to do or not do something; the action of solving a problem". After a few days or weeks the jokes start about how we've already broken our resolutions, forgetting already that every day is a new chance to try again. Sisters, I encourage you instead to set goals and make plans to accomplish them. Set goals that you can measure, that you can break down into steps. If the goal is a rather large one, set several smaller ones to specifically identify how you will accomplish it. Write them down and post them where you see them often. Hold yourself accountable and find someone else who will do the same. A friend, a roommate, a family member, or your Relief Society president if needed. Believe in yourself. Believe that you can really do what you are striving for. I believe in each of you and the incredible wonderful women that you are. You are divine daughters of a infinite Father- nurture those seeds of your divine nature. Elder Richard G. Scott once said, "Our Heavenly Father did not put us on this earth to fail, but to succeed gloriously." As you are setting these goals I pray you will be fearless, that you will set goals that honor yourself, ones that push you just beyond your comfort zones, ones that serve others, ones that draw you closer to the gospel and to our Savior. Please pray about your goals- our loving Father in heaven is interested in your lives and not just the spiritual aspect. He cares about your job and your education, about your relationships and your health. And as you push forward, know that sometimes you will slip, sometimes you will fall down or back a little. Every day is a new day. And if you need help to get back up, well, that's why I'm here, why we are together as sisters in Relief Society. None of us can do it alone, but we can do it. Wishing you a wonderful New Year's Eve and all the fantastic, incredible things we can create in 2017!

All my love, 

Kristi Koerner