So I'm engaged!!!
For readers of this blog, that might come as a surprise. Last time I wrote on here I was still healing from a devastating relationship and falling in love with myself and life again. As the new relationship developed, I was hesitant to share details too soon as I have done that before only to regret it later. I had just bled all over ( literally and figuratively) and I thought the last thing I need is to put my fragile heart back out there. But the Lord had another plan for me and, when I least expected it, put someone absolutely incredible in my life.
Let me be clear about something first though. In the difficulty of the past year or so and losing myself a bit, I vowed I was going to really love myself and really love life. I made goals that I have actively pursued since January like traveling, taking piano lessons, being involved in more service, getting healthy again, etc. It was a very active and deliberate course of faith to love who I am and everything around me including opportunities, places, and little moments. I truly believe that because I moved in that direction despite the pain and depression that haunted me, I have been blessed to find the relationship I have with my fiance, German.
It has been a whirlwind relationship as we met this summer and both were serious about a relationship from the beginning. We met on a dating app and I remember that after I talked to him on the phone for the first time, I sat in my car and thought, "Wow, I'm going to marry him." I just knew. I know you hear stories about that from other people, but it never is going to happen to you, right? But it did and I am so grateful. Five days after I met him I bought a ticket to visit him in New York, recognizing that a turning point in my life was coming. Rarely do I think we can see those coming, so I have done my best to prepare (long before this and as it was happening). For both of us it has been a profoundly romantic and spiritual journey as we have sought guidance and counsel through prayer, studying the scriptures, fasting, and attending the temple. And we are moving forward in faith, though from the outside the timing and circumstances of the relationship may not be conventional or even rational.
I expected the questions and concerns from family and friends- they love me and want this to be a good thing. I did not expect, however, the push back, negative responses, and criticisms. You may be wondering why I am even giving any thought to those who are less than supportive, especially when I do have a lot of love and support coming in. But I will say something because I've been on the other side. I have watched dozens of friends get married, then have babies, etc. And though I tried never to vocalize my jealousy or display bitterness, at times it was a struggle. Though I never missed a bridal shower or reception because of how I felt, there were a few times I left someone else's sealing or reception and cried, wondering if that would ever be me. So if you are reading this today and are fighting between being happy for me and miserable about your situation today, that is completely okay. If this is a trigger for you, I get that and I'm sorry. If it is battle for you to see all my wedding planning posts and cutesy pictures with German, I will support you if you hide my posts for the next few months. I have done it to friends before just to preserve my own sanity. However you need to deal with this change in my life (if it effects you at all), I will support you and try to understand how you feel. I will not allow you to shadow the joy and peace I feel, but I will give you space to deal with your shadows. You never have to tell me if this is you, but if you want I will talk to you about it. I will not apologize for how excited I am for this new stage and adventure in my life, but I will cry with you if your heart is breaking.
I look forward to writing more again, to keeping you all updated about wedding plans and plans to move to New York. Check out my wedding website here and give me your address to get a wedding invitation here.