Not Okay

Last night I was sitting at the kitchen table eating stew with my roommate when suddenly I couldn't put the spoon in my mouth and take the bite I had so casually scooped up. The tears were flowing too thick and I was choking on all these words that I keep trying to say but never seem to fully express. I'm not okay. At various times you could call it broken, heartbroken, depressed, sad, angry, whatever. But for right now I'll just stick with the fact that I'm not okay. I have this feeling that I might not be okay for awhile. And I'm trying to be alright with that and not make apologies and not get mad at people who are trying to be helpful and supportive or throw blame where it doesn't belong, but I might do all of those right here because it's all mixed in.

It always comes down to relationships, doesn't it? Nothing else matters, or hurts, as much.

I didn't plan on this.

I never thought I would get the miracle of love three times, but I did and each and every time it has changed me. Irrevocably, inexplicably, and forever. That's how I knew it was the real deal- everything shifted, everything changed. I changed. As Gerry in P.S. I Love You said, "Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends."

We were friends. Solid good friends. And over the last two years I have been more vulnerable and open and raw with him than anyone else, maybe ever. Even I was surprised when I realized that my feelings for him had bypassed desire, skipped through affection, ran over caring, and were speeding out of control into love. So when I told him that my heart had transferred possession, I did so willingly and openly, as a gift. And he said no thank you. Ok, that's alright. But then I go back to repair any damage done internally and find that I had given away all my pieces to him somehow. Not all at once, but gradually through those 3am conversations and laughter and all the unspoken things transferred in glances and shared smiles. I found I didn't have a reserve for this kind of heartbreak. I thought after loving and being shattered, after loving again and becoming numb, that I was strong enough to love without being destroyed- that I could love as a gift without expectations. Maybe a part of me could and did, but now that part is swept away with the other ashes of my heart. My heart broke and I bled. Literally. For nine days I hemorrhaged blood until I thought I would die from loss of blood, until I wanted to because it seemed like a peaceful way to go. Believe what you will, but I know my body didn't know how else to handle the excruciating pain my heart and soul were/are experiencing.

Loving after love is both harder and easier. Easier because if you can love like that- like gravity depends on you, in a love that soothes the mind and awakens the soul, in a way that makes you both strong and brave- then I believe you are far more likely to be able to love like that again. Differently, but again. But it's also harder. No matter how much you learn and grow and heal from a heartbreak, it becomes part of you, part of the very fabric you now weave your dreams with and the lens through which you see the world. And to consciously choose to bare your soul, to expose all the brokenness you've survived and the times it killed a piece of you, is perhaps the bravest kind of love there is. But brave or not, it's still agony. I know I've been spilling little bits of this pain out in various ways over the last two months, but I have more. More thoughts, more pain, more tears. Somewhere too there is more hope and light and love waiting for their turn on center stage, waiting for me to call for the end of the act, but maybe I can't do that until I can fully verbalize the former ones.

He made me feel so worthless. So incredibly, humiliatingly worthless. Here I am- an independent 25 year old teacher and healer and business owner, who allowed myself to feel utterly worthless because of his feelings or lack thereof. But to give myself the benefit of the doubt, I had just bared my entire soul to this man, revealed all kinds of scars and triumphs, and he didn't even bother to hand back my heart- he threw it out the window while the car was going 70 mph. They say "follow your heart" but if your heart is in a million pieces which piece do you follow?

I want to be fair and tell you that he's a good man. Because he is. He is honest and decent and hard-working and funny and thoughtful. It's true. Just because someone breaks your heart doesn't make them a terrible person, perhaps short-sighted or blind or whatever it is that keeps them from seeing your incredibleness, but not terrible. As good of a man as he is, he broke me so damn much that the cracks in my heart are visible through my eyes.

It's not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more of the sadness that overwhelms your entire body and leaves your heart aching and your stomach empty, making you feel weak and tired and yet you can't even sleep because the sadness is in your dreams too. It's almost a sadness you can't escape.

I have this nagging fear that I'm never going to be able to move on or forget him. The way his brown eyes light up or his silly smile that always made my heart beat ten times faster. And what hurts the most is that he was never mine to begin with. But I fell so hopelessly in love and even now, after everything, I wake up in the middle of the night and I think of him. And it makes me sick to my stomach and I can't breathe because I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want this struggle for air every time I hear his name or when he walks in the room. I'm working on having good moments but before I know it I'm curled up in my bed with tears pouring down my face and my mind screaming at me to forget him.

One day he'll be a story I'll tell my teenage daughter when she's sobbing over the shards of her broken heart. When she can't get out of bed and all she drinks are tears, I'll pull her into my lap and brush him out of her hair. And I'll tell her this story of a man who was my friend, my confidante, and who destroyed me almost beyond recognition. Who hurt me so badly my body detached from the pain and bled, if not from every pore, then at least from almost every orifice. I'll tell her that he broke me on every level and every way possible, that I had to rearrange my body, my mind, and my heart in a twisted jigsaw puzzle game. And how I put up the Great Wall of China up around my heart to keep out any possible future sharpshooters. Then I'll tell her how it got better. How it stopped bleeding and how the pain slowly faded. How I was able to smile again and crawl out of bed. I'll tell her that eventually I could laugh and hope and dream again. But I might wait just a while after before I tell her that even now I wake up from nightmares, and how I'm sometimes seized with a panic when I see someone who looks like him. Sometimes words can describe a journey, but not the painful daily details.

It doesn't just go away- this love that I have for you. Sure it's combined now with pain and the wishing for you to be happy, and I know one day it will shift and not be the blinding terror it is now, but it doesn't go away. It doesn't hurt that you choose her. She's beautiful and sexy, she's smart and kind, she's not broken like me. Her laugh is like your favorite song on the radio, her eyes the depth of the forest you want to get lost in, and her smile is bright like the sun. She's your favorite book and I'm just a footnote in it. She's really the obvious choice. I'm happy for you, honestly. I've seen the way you look at her like she's your reason for breathing and the way you smile at her when she's not paying attention like you're thanking God for allowing you to be near her. I'm glad you found love. No, it doesn't hurt that you choose her, but you want to know what does hurt? Having all this love inside me for you and wanting you to be so happy while I have to sit back and watch her not love you the way you deserve.  It hurts having all this love bottled up inside with seemingly no place to put it. It hurts knowing that I will cry and grieve over your struggles and heartaches for years to come, but that you will forget my name the moment you look in her direction.

Romantic atheism is the easy way out- to just stop believing in love and the power of relationships. But I just don't have that in my chemical makeup. Every cell in me screams to keep hoping, keep wishing, to keep loving as hard and deep and profound as ever. And I will. I promise myself that I will. Just not right now. I may be broken but I won't stay here. I am devastated but I will keep moving. I'm not okay but I pray and hope that one day, someday, I will be.

Reverse Love Story

September 24

Dearest,

Sometimes I feel like I’m living a love story in reverse. I mourn your absence, longing for one day with you, holding onto the snippets and feelings. With faith and hope in every heartbeat, I pray that our time together will begin soon and last until my last breath (before continuing onto the next phase). Because I don’t know what space and time without you could possibly be like after finally finding you. In romances, the “before” involves a certain naivety to the all-consuming love on the horizon, a sense of self separate from this great love. That simply doesn’t follow our saga. My mind and heart are not capable of erasing you from my being, not even under the pressure of age or illness. So if the typical ending or loss of love is but the prelude to ours, what can I expect to follow? Instead of a string of life, I can see how it wraps together forming an infinite circle. A merging so complete between two souls that there is no beginning, no meet cute, no hesitant tiptoe into love just as there is no ending, no true separation, no extinguishing the eternal flame that burns so brightly. And if time is removed from the equation, it both simplifies and complicates our love. Any separation is jarring, incongruent with our nature and our life together is the summation of every force for good- a lifetime in every shared moment. If we remove distance from the equation, no matter our physical location, our souls will reach out to reassure, connect, and love. A love without limitations.

Forever Yours,

Kristi

To be opened on our wedding day

Grief Sinks In

Love and her little sibling, Grief, leave deep impression on the soul. The deeper the former, the more profound the latter. In the first months, tear-streaked cheeks and haphazard hairstyles are the tell-tale signs, but as time goes on grief begins to sink in like a stone in a pond- the ripples on the surface eventually smooth while under the water the motion continues. Just as Love often gradually permeates our very souls, Grief follows those footprints. Soon those traitorous eyes that leaked at every opportunity are replaced by dry, but hauntingly empty eyes. Tangled hair neglected in grief is tamed and changed into a new style- one that doesn't remind you of Before. Blubbering and spilling it all out soon dries up until the words are cautiously meted out while swallowing the rest. As if we really told others that beyond a predetermined amount of time that we still ache and bleed and cry that it would somehow make it worse.The further the grief sinks in- into our stomach, our bones, and habits, the more the other siblings like Anger and Guilt pay visits. Angry at ourselves for moving on too quickly or slowly, guilty that we can move on at all. Desperately holding on to the grief as the last shred of evidence that we loved at all. Like water carving a canyon, the depth of the change is not evident until the water finally runs it's course. Sometimes it has swept you away until you can finally move on your own while other times it has rocked you into stillness. Either way, when it's gone the final product is fundamentally changed, shaped, carved, and molded into something new. And then the process repeats. Is it worth it? This loss and journey towards transformation? Do the joys of love outweigh the shattering of grief? When love and grief have reshaped our very being, we are forced to relearn the world through those empty eyes and freshly cobbled hearts.

Top Ten Things I Wish I'd Known When I Started Family History

So as many of you know, I have a slight family history/genealogy addiction. 

I am currently in the process of being released from my stake family history calling as I now have other responsibilities and opportunities to serve in Relief Society. However, several friends both within and outside my stake recently were blessed with a family history calling. Yay! Welcome to the wonderful world of family history! A few friends asked for help getting started and asked for a list like this. Though I'm sure I can go into more depth, more explanation type things, this is more mental concepts I wish I'd understood. So here goes, my top ten things I wish I'd known/done when I got started way back when. (This is written from a LDS family history perspective and opinions are solely my own)

1.) Start by throwing out preconceived ideas about how much work has been done/is available in your family tree. Don't limit yourself. 

2.) It's alright to start with what you have and add more details later ( if you only know where they were born, or the month, etc- it's okay)

3.) You do not have to prove everything with a document. Sources are important and good and wonderful, but if you have a first person ("my mother told me", "grandmother wrote this", etc) source that works too. 

4.) The difference between Familysearch & Ancestry- FamilySearch is a universal tree so everyone could be editing it- Ancestry has private trees that only you can edit. Using both creates good check and balance of data. Start with one and then transfer over to back up your work. 

5.) You can EDIT. If you make a mistake, it's not written in stone- all errors can be corrected. So just do your best. 

6.) A Record Hint icon (the blue one) is just as exciting as a Green Temple- lots of possibilities and opportunities to find new people who need their ordinances completed. 

7.) Find an organization or pattern that works for you (i.e. Cleaning up one line at a time, working one generation at a time across all lines,etc) as you start researching and keep notes on where you are working- it will eliminate redundancy.

8.) Stick to standardized formats- Capitalization, punctuation, place names and dates,full name (if you only know the married  last name start there,) etc. 

9.) After all your efforts to be as accurate and complete as possible, turn it over to the Lord. He knows His children perfectly and will make up the difference. 

10.) This is a SPIRITUAL WORK in which technology is a tool. Not the other way around. Listen to the Spirit first and foremost. 

Dating Disasters

Everyone likes giving relationship advice- single, married, somewhere in between- we all have something to say. But can we just stop that? I mean it. If I hear "you'll find him when you least expect it" or  "don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right", or "you're too picky" one more time I might do something drastic. I know you mean well, I really do. But when you say those things, it belittles what I'm still feeling- loneliness, frustration,  hurt, rejection, etc.

For a woman who has a lot of love to give and truly enjoys giving and loving others, I've spent a lot of time being single. And as that kind of woman I do seek out opportunities to meet people and form meaningful relationships. I attend singles activities, have tried online dating...multiple times, let friends set me up with their brothers, cousins, best friend's uncle's neighbor!!!, try new activities, and also focus on pursuing my individual interests and passions. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Grrrr.

Today was the latest in a long line of dating failures. I'll spare you the details except to say that the man pulled a 180 on me- from respectful and engaging on the first date to pushy and inappropriate today. I hate to quote this song, but "where have all the good men gone?". I seem to find two extremes- those uninterested or lacking enough confidence to make a real move or those only focused on a physical relationship. Really?? I hate to generalize. I hate to stereotype men, but with only a handful of exceptions, those who can prove me wrong have yet to appear in my almost 9 years in the serious single dating world. There is a funny youtube video called the "Wife Zone Chart" which hilariously describes the combination of traits that make a good wife. And then there is a clever rebuttal video from a woman's perspective here- make sure to watch to the very end. I can't say that I agree much with either, but at this point in the post maybe you are as frustrated as I and need to laugh.

I don't think I'm looking for a Mary Poppins among men- "practically perfect in every way", just a good man. A few key traits and almost everything else can be worked out. Faith- Believe in God first and foremost. Have a testimony and a continuing conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Believe in yourself- in all your potential and capabilities. Believe in  and trust me. Committment- just being committed to working through issues, caring enough about the relationship to put in the time and effort and sacrifices necessary to create a solid relationship. Communication- just tell me what you think and feel, where your boundaries and sore spots are, and what you need from a relationship. Don't lie to me or lead me on. Respect- listen to me when I'm trying to communicate, show proper respect despite a disagreement or different opinion, respect my thoughts, feelings, space, and physical body in thought and in deed. I'm willing to work hard too, to be committed and respectful, full of faith and respect. Does that sound far-fetched? Am I being demanding and unreasonable? I refuse to throw up my hands and say "whatever, who cares anyway" because it does matter. I refuse to turn my frustration around and blame men for all my dating woes- I'm sure I have room for improvement. I refuse to give up hope, yet I don't know where to turn next. Anything worth having is worth working for, right? I might need power tools for this job.

Stop Waiting

Yesterday I went to the temple to do a group of sealings. I arrived mid-afternoon in the middle of the week so I knew to expect a bit of a wait while they worked to put together a group for the sealings. While they did so, they had me wait in this beautiful waiting area- you know, where you normally wait before you go into a live sealing. I sat there for quite awhile thinking, praying, and pondering. One clear impression I received (and now want to share with you my lucky readers) was to...stop waiting. Recently I've had the feeling that I'm waiting for something, that something is coming, etc. Now, don't misunderstand me. Too often we shrug off nagging thoughts and feelings when they are really impressions and promptings. The impression to "stop waiting" doesn't change my previous feelings on what is happening in my life, but it does provide clarity and direction on how I need to move forward. As those thoughts came to me while I solitarily sat in the sealing waiting room, I remembered a part of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, The Places You'll Go". The part about the waiting place (click here for the original text) and so I've taken some creative liberty with that passage for the purposes of this post and LDS YSA life.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for the chance to go

or 5 o'clock to come, or a plane to go

or the date to come, or the relationship to flow

or the diamond ring, or the bridal glow

or the waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their belly to show.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting through the dark for daylight

or waiting for their career to take flight

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for a man named Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Big Break

or a new calling or a pair of home teachers

or a heart to mend, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

The problem with this waiting place, in the story and our lives, is that when it's like this there is no growth or progression- only stagnation. Of course there will be times in our lives, times of transition, times of needing patience before the next step or event. However, those times we do not have to merely wait. Waiting is such a passive term which reminds me of doctor's offices and DMV lines. As I pondered this yesterday another word was suggested- preparing. To prepare, according to Merriam-Webster, is "1)to make (someone or something) ready for some activity, purpose, use, etc. 2) to make yourself ready for something that you will be doing, something that you expect to happen, etc. 3) to make or create (something) so that it is ready for use". Words like "make, create, ready, purpose" all suggest a very active role in the process. So I'm making a resolution, a promise to myself to stop waiting for what might come or be, to stop waiting thinking it will change, to just stop waiting and to start preparing, to keep moving forward toward goals and to keep progressing. Dr. Seuss recognized this too as he continued...

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying

You'll find the bright places

where [music of your heart is] playing.

Redefine #LiveBoldly

It's been a few months full of lots of changes- new jobs, new calling, and lots of excitement up ahead. There are few things I love more than a book, a movie, or an individual who challenges me to examine why I disagree. To a certain extent those very things that cause moments of reflection and examination, often of myself, are those that help me expand and grow ( I did not read or watch 50 Shades of Grey just because I disagree however- there is a line).

A few months ago I read the book "Me Before You" by JoJo Moyes which also just came out in theaters. Louisa Clark becomes a caregiver for the wealthy young Will Traynor who, due to an unfortunate accident, is a quadriplegic. Before his accident, Will was a regular James Bond- living a large life full of adventure and risk on his terms. He is now of the opinion that since he can no longer live the way he would want, he does not want to live. On one hand it is a beautiful story of how Lou and Will slowly change each other- he opens her up to the possibilities of living life to the fullest and she offers him a love that changes them both. At first the title made me think of who each of them were before meeting and loving the other. Another interpretation of "me before you" another blogger suggested is a much more selfish version- Louisa's whole life has been full of selfless service or the "you before me" mentality, while Will's self-centered lifestyle and attitude is definitely "me before you". The war between these two mentalities forms the center of the saga.

After watching the movie, I left the theater with a vague sense of sadness mixed with dissatisfaction. I can't help but see that a more eternal perspective would change the entire story. Sure, if all we have and all we are is this mortal existence, then the "eat, drink, and be merry" attitude might be understandable. In a desperate attempt to cram all the wonders and thrills of mortality we would all encourage each other to live similarly to Will. However, I know we are much more than this brief mortal existence- we are eternal beings undergoing a probationary period of learning and growth- of becoming more so than just doing. It is much easier to check of a list of things to do and much more challenging to "check off" a list of becoming. In the former viewpoint, an accident like the one Will experiences would be devastating- an end to most adventures and a limit to being able to live according to your own will. Yet with the latter more eternal perspective, a trial like that is an opportunity, a chance to learn and grow in new ways and refine character. Instead of seeing what you can't do, you could focus on different ways to grow and serve.

The hashtag for the movie is #LiveBoldly, but guess what? It's not enough to just live boldly for yourself, for your own interests and personal development. Please don't misunderstand me- education is vital, expanding your horizons and abilities. However, all of that will add up to zero if we fail to develop charity- the ability to love and serve unconditionally. Ultimately that will be what changes and shapes us. I'm not discrediting your desire to visit Ireland or learn another language, or skydive- because I want to do all those things. Add some contributions to your bucket list and be mindful of the process of becoming along the way.

• Volunteer- yes, the one time events but also something consistent and committed.
• Build a home with habitat for humanity
• Discover causes you are passionate about and find ways to contribute
• Make a Kiva Loan

Or ask yourself some of these questions to help you figure out how you want to contribute.

What do you want your life to stand for?
What message do you want to send with your life?
How do you want to contribute to making the world (or your world) a better place?
How do you want to be remembered by others when you’re gone?
If you could grant just one wish to one person, who would you chose and what would you grant them?
What are your most important values and how do you want to use those values?