Dating Disasters

Everyone likes giving relationship advice- single, married, somewhere in between- we all have something to say. But can we just stop that? I mean it. If I hear "you'll find him when you least expect it" or  "don't worry, it'll happen when the time is right", or "you're too picky" one more time I might do something drastic. I know you mean well, I really do. But when you say those things, it belittles what I'm still feeling- loneliness, frustration,  hurt, rejection, etc.

For a woman who has a lot of love to give and truly enjoys giving and loving others, I've spent a lot of time being single. And as that kind of woman I do seek out opportunities to meet people and form meaningful relationships. I attend singles activities, have tried online dating...multiple times, let friends set me up with their brothers, cousins, best friend's uncle's neighbor!!!, try new activities, and also focus on pursuing my individual interests and passions. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Grrrr.

Today was the latest in a long line of dating failures. I'll spare you the details except to say that the man pulled a 180 on me- from respectful and engaging on the first date to pushy and inappropriate today. I hate to quote this song, but "where have all the good men gone?". I seem to find two extremes- those uninterested or lacking enough confidence to make a real move or those only focused on a physical relationship. Really?? I hate to generalize. I hate to stereotype men, but with only a handful of exceptions, those who can prove me wrong have yet to appear in my almost 9 years in the serious single dating world. There is a funny youtube video called the "Wife Zone Chart" which hilariously describes the combination of traits that make a good wife. And then there is a clever rebuttal video from a woman's perspective here- make sure to watch to the very end. I can't say that I agree much with either, but at this point in the post maybe you are as frustrated as I and need to laugh.

I don't think I'm looking for a Mary Poppins among men- "practically perfect in every way", just a good man. A few key traits and almost everything else can be worked out. Faith- Believe in God first and foremost. Have a testimony and a continuing conversion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Believe in yourself- in all your potential and capabilities. Believe in  and trust me. Committment- just being committed to working through issues, caring enough about the relationship to put in the time and effort and sacrifices necessary to create a solid relationship. Communication- just tell me what you think and feel, where your boundaries and sore spots are, and what you need from a relationship. Don't lie to me or lead me on. Respect- listen to me when I'm trying to communicate, show proper respect despite a disagreement or different opinion, respect my thoughts, feelings, space, and physical body in thought and in deed. I'm willing to work hard too, to be committed and respectful, full of faith and respect. Does that sound far-fetched? Am I being demanding and unreasonable? I refuse to throw up my hands and say "whatever, who cares anyway" because it does matter. I refuse to turn my frustration around and blame men for all my dating woes- I'm sure I have room for improvement. I refuse to give up hope, yet I don't know where to turn next. Anything worth having is worth working for, right? I might need power tools for this job.

Stop Waiting

Yesterday I went to the temple to do a group of sealings. I arrived mid-afternoon in the middle of the week so I knew to expect a bit of a wait while they worked to put together a group for the sealings. While they did so, they had me wait in this beautiful waiting area- you know, where you normally wait before you go into a live sealing. I sat there for quite awhile thinking, praying, and pondering. One clear impression I received (and now want to share with you my lucky readers) was to...stop waiting. Recently I've had the feeling that I'm waiting for something, that something is coming, etc. Now, don't misunderstand me. Too often we shrug off nagging thoughts and feelings when they are really impressions and promptings. The impression to "stop waiting" doesn't change my previous feelings on what is happening in my life, but it does provide clarity and direction on how I need to move forward. As those thoughts came to me while I solitarily sat in the sealing waiting room, I remembered a part of Dr. Seuss's "Oh, The Places You'll Go". The part about the waiting place (click here for the original text) and so I've taken some creative liberty with that passage for the purposes of this post and LDS YSA life.

You can get so confused

that you'll start in to race

down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace

and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,

headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for the chance to go

or 5 o'clock to come, or a plane to go

or the date to come, or the relationship to flow

or the diamond ring, or the bridal glow

or the waiting around for a Yes or No

or waiting for their belly to show.

Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting through the dark for daylight

or waiting for their career to take flight

or waiting around for Friday night

or waiting, perhaps, for a man named Jake

or a pot to boil, or a Big Break

or a new calling or a pair of home teachers

or a heart to mend, or Another Chance.

Everyone is just waiting.

The problem with this waiting place, in the story and our lives, is that when it's like this there is no growth or progression- only stagnation. Of course there will be times in our lives, times of transition, times of needing patience before the next step or event. However, those times we do not have to merely wait. Waiting is such a passive term which reminds me of doctor's offices and DMV lines. As I pondered this yesterday another word was suggested- preparing. To prepare, according to Merriam-Webster, is "1)to make (someone or something) ready for some activity, purpose, use, etc. 2) to make yourself ready for something that you will be doing, something that you expect to happen, etc. 3) to make or create (something) so that it is ready for use". Words like "make, create, ready, purpose" all suggest a very active role in the process. So I'm making a resolution, a promise to myself to stop waiting for what might come or be, to stop waiting thinking it will change, to just stop waiting and to start preparing, to keep moving forward toward goals and to keep progressing. Dr. Seuss recognized this too as he continued...

NO!

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape

all that waiting and staying

You'll find the bright places

where [music of your heart is] playing.

Redefine #LiveBoldly

It's been a few months full of lots of changes- new jobs, new calling, and lots of excitement up ahead. There are few things I love more than a book, a movie, or an individual who challenges me to examine why I disagree. To a certain extent those very things that cause moments of reflection and examination, often of myself, are those that help me expand and grow ( I did not read or watch 50 Shades of Grey just because I disagree however- there is a line).

A few months ago I read the book "Me Before You" by JoJo Moyes which also just came out in theaters. Louisa Clark becomes a caregiver for the wealthy young Will Traynor who, due to an unfortunate accident, is a quadriplegic. Before his accident, Will was a regular James Bond- living a large life full of adventure and risk on his terms. He is now of the opinion that since he can no longer live the way he would want, he does not want to live. On one hand it is a beautiful story of how Lou and Will slowly change each other- he opens her up to the possibilities of living life to the fullest and she offers him a love that changes them both. At first the title made me think of who each of them were before meeting and loving the other. Another interpretation of "me before you" another blogger suggested is a much more selfish version- Louisa's whole life has been full of selfless service or the "you before me" mentality, while Will's self-centered lifestyle and attitude is definitely "me before you". The war between these two mentalities forms the center of the saga.

After watching the movie, I left the theater with a vague sense of sadness mixed with dissatisfaction. I can't help but see that a more eternal perspective would change the entire story. Sure, if all we have and all we are is this mortal existence, then the "eat, drink, and be merry" attitude might be understandable. In a desperate attempt to cram all the wonders and thrills of mortality we would all encourage each other to live similarly to Will. However, I know we are much more than this brief mortal existence- we are eternal beings undergoing a probationary period of learning and growth- of becoming more so than just doing. It is much easier to check of a list of things to do and much more challenging to "check off" a list of becoming. In the former viewpoint, an accident like the one Will experiences would be devastating- an end to most adventures and a limit to being able to live according to your own will. Yet with the latter more eternal perspective, a trial like that is an opportunity, a chance to learn and grow in new ways and refine character. Instead of seeing what you can't do, you could focus on different ways to grow and serve.

The hashtag for the movie is #LiveBoldly, but guess what? It's not enough to just live boldly for yourself, for your own interests and personal development. Please don't misunderstand me- education is vital, expanding your horizons and abilities. However, all of that will add up to zero if we fail to develop charity- the ability to love and serve unconditionally. Ultimately that will be what changes and shapes us. I'm not discrediting your desire to visit Ireland or learn another language, or skydive- because I want to do all those things. Add some contributions to your bucket list and be mindful of the process of becoming along the way.

• Volunteer- yes, the one time events but also something consistent and committed.
• Build a home with habitat for humanity
• Discover causes you are passionate about and find ways to contribute
• Make a Kiva Loan

Or ask yourself some of these questions to help you figure out how you want to contribute.

What do you want your life to stand for?
What message do you want to send with your life?
How do you want to contribute to making the world (or your world) a better place?
How do you want to be remembered by others when you’re gone?
If you could grant just one wish to one person, who would you chose and what would you grant them?
What are your most important values and how do you want to use those values?

How Long Is Forever?

 

 

"I missed you last night...I lay awake so far away from you yet so close. 'How long is forever? Sometimes just one second.' Sometimes just one hour or one night. Sometimes it is the space between pain and relief, between despair and hope, or between heartbreak and love. Sometimes forever is not a measurement of time but a state of being. I am forever yours and that is not dependant on when we meet or marry nor on when we die. I am yours forever. Who I am is inextricably, completely, willingly yours. I don't wish to alter a moment of our forever- simply treasure them and tell you

I love you all along the way. "

Hopeworks By Kristi

Hello, it's me.

I'm sure you're wondering if after all this time I'm here
To keep going over everything
They say that time's supposed to heal ya
And I've done a lot of healing.

I couldn't help it guys, it was just too perfect. But seriously, I know I was kind of quiet on here during February, in part because I was a little louder than normal elsewhere. I was doing a mentoring challenge to post a video everyday. It started as just posting to Facebook, but then I was instructed to upload them to Youtube and my new website. A video message about a topic or something I felt impressed to share. Part of the purpose was to help get me out of my comfort zone, to do something that was uncomfortable and vulnerable. But even more it was to help me identify what the unique message Heavenly Father needs me to share with others. It was a great experience. Humbling and more than a little scary, but wonderful.

Add to that, I took some giant leaps forward in creating my own business. I had a huge shift from feeling like the energy work and foot zoning are things I want to do on the side, to "this is something that I am meant to do as a huge part of my life!!!" Again, that whole "scary/humbling/vulnerable but amazing" thing. But isn't that like most of the important decisions in life? I have my own website now. www.hopeworksbykristi.com Awesome, right? And I have business cards. Really cool, beautiful, professional looking business cards with my own logo. I offer mentoring and foot zone therapy along with my wit, light, and overall awesomeness. (Yeah, feeling peppy today :)

Please check out the website. Reach out to me if you feel so impressed. I know that I am being taught many things for the precise purpose of helping, lifting, and serving others.

Healing & The Book of Mormon

I love the Book of Mormon. It's clarity and power in testifying of Jesus Christ never ceases to amaze and teach me. Several years ago (while in the MTC, I think), I heard the suggestion from Elder Bednar to take a copy of the Book of Mormon and study with a question or topic in mind. And when an apostle of Jesus Christ gives me a "suggestion", I take that as divine inspiration. Since then I've completed several studies in the Book of Mormon including Christ & the Atonement, covenants, strengthening family relationships, and most recently sources and application of healing.

While insight and inspiration gained through this study is at times challenging to elaborate on or to impart, however whatever part I can share I want to.

* At the root of all healing is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That's just a truth. Physical, emotional, mental healing all comes from the Savior. The methods in which we access that healing power may vary from modern medicine and surgery to herbs, essential oils, and foot zone therapy, and the most vital ones, repentance and the power of the priesthood.

* Repentance is the Lord's primary established pattern to receive healing in our lives. Sometimes we think of "repentance" as a heavy or hard word. It just means a change of heart, a turning away from sin toward God. And the word "sin" in the scriptures is a translation from multiple Greek and Hebrew words covering a variety of meanings from "mistake or error", "guilt", "sadness", "lapse of judgement" all the way to "deliberate rebellion" and "transgression". Whatever degree of mistakes, lapse, or rebellion we find ourselves in- repentance is the answer.

* Other terms we use in relation to repentance include turning our hearts to God, submitting our will to God, being humbled/humbling ourselves, being made new creatures in Christ---guess what? You're talking about that same concept- turning toward God and that invites the power of the Atonement into our hearts.

*This one bears mentioning though it wasn't a major focus of my study, the Lord often provides healing through the proper use and administration of the priesthood, which is the power to act in the name of God. Blessings of the sick or for guidance, the administering of ordinances and making covenants all invite the power of the Atonement into our lives.

*Covenants heal because they bind us to the sources of healing, Heavenly Father and the Savior.

* Faith heals. Faith casts out and overcomes doubt and darkness, allowing light to take it's place. And that's one of the definitions of healing- to expose all darkness and replace it with truth.

* Knowledge heals. Perfect knowledge that is. Beyond just learning and education, coming to a knowledge of truth and true principles brings healing power into our hearts and mind because it erases false beliefs and deception.

* Love, true love, heals. Charity is the pure love of Jesus Christ and it heals the broken hearted, the lonely soul, and the chaotic mind. Unconditional love like that allow us to see people (including ourselves) the way Heavenly Father and the Savior see us- as who we can become and not just who we are now.

* Conversion heals. "be converted, that I may heal you" (3 Nephi 9:13) And check our Mosiah chapter 5.

* Righteous desires bring healing because they replace selfishness and connect us back to faith and knowledge.

There's more, but maybe I should leave that for you to study. In short, I know that all healing comes from a loving Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ. I know that healing is available to all who seek it if they will only turn and look to the source.

Thank You To My Married Friends

I have a lot of married friends. And I love them. As I approach my 25th birthday I never expected to be the "single" one from my college friends, among my mission friends and companions, and even from my high school group. It's a fairly comical cycle- I make friends and they get married, I make more friends and they get married...I move somewhere completely different and make more wonderful great friends...and they get married too. Maybe I'm helping lots of people find love and happiness? Okay, it probably has very little to do with me (Except Marianne and Colin- I totally set you guys up). And I'll admit there are moments of feeling sorry for myself, of always being the third wheel, of wanting to eat ice cream and binge watch chick flicks after reading my whole feed full of cute family pictures and posts. But that can be another post. (Hmm, maybe not. Sounds depressing)

The purpose of this post is to thank all my wonderful married friends for all the wonderful things you add to my life!

* Thank you for sharing your unique love stories. It teaches me over and over to be myself, trust the Lord and his timing, and that love is really worth risking everything for.

* As you embark on this marvelous adventure of marriage and parenthood, thank you for including me. What a gift it is to watch cherished friends grow through these new experiences! I get the privilege of observing people I already love and adore, progress and grow tremendously.

* Thank you for bringing more wonderful people into my life! As you find spouses who are your counterparts in awesomeness, I am blessed with more amazing friends. Thank you for the richness you add to my life.

* Thank you for including me. Except for right after the wedding, most of my married friends have been fantastic about including me in their new lives. Dinners, girls nights, new homes- thank you for taking time to keep me in the loop.

* Thank you for confiding in me. Communication changes between friends after marriage and rightly so. Some, if not most, things are now between you and your spouse (not you and your girlfriends). Whatever you do choose to share, discuss, and confide in me about, thank you for trusting me.

* Thank you for seeing me. I'm usually the one who feels this label of singleness and attaches to it. You rarely do. I'm just your friend and you see me for me (and not your token single friend)

* Thank you for believing in me, in my dreams and goals. Thank you for all the encouragement as I take a path in my life perhaps quite different from yours. And though it may not be familiar to you, you never fail to cheer me on!

* Thank you for letting me love your kids. Seriously, my heart is wrapped around their little fingers and it is such a tender mercy for me to love, enjoy, and learn from them. Thank you for letting me do so.

* Thank you for trusting me with your kids. Thank you for trusting the most precious people in your world with me when I babysit and visit. Thank you for sharing the joy they bring.

* Thank you for believing in and standing up for marriage. Though I'm not married yet, I recognize what a leap of faith marriage is- in yourself, in another person, and in God. Thank you for your faith in something bigger than yourself.

*Thank you!!