It's days like this that I revel in the expected reflection and evaluation of both the past and the future (as I have done throughout the years here and here and here) New Year's is such a wonderful combination of letting go of the old and welcoming in the new and all that comes with it. 2014 was a wonderful year, with lots of surprises of all shapes and sizes, with numerous adventures and mishaps. I took a lot of risks this year in my efforts to be brave and live whole-heartedly and looking back, I have very few regrets. This year I was more open and honest and real. I've learned to trust in the Lord a little more and to love the Atonement a little deeper. Yes, 2014 was a good year and I'll be sad to see it come to an end. But not too sad, because I have this feeling that 2015 is going to be my year.
I'm a big believer in progression and growth so the idea that 2015 is going to be "better" than 2014 is kind of a "duh" response. Of course, each year will be better as I continue to build on learning experiences and pursue my goals; in a quality life we reflect so we can progress. I'm always making plans and setting goals, reevaluating them, writing them down, breaking them down in smaller steps/goals, following up, etc. I'm a little obsessed with goals. So never fear, I have them written down and will hold off on just dumping that list here this time. However, the gist of all of them is pointing me towards becoming my best self and setting a theme for the new year of pushing myself to become who Heavenly Father wants me to be. To serve a little more, learn more, try harder, dig deeper, and love more profoundly.
And in that line of thinking, I want to share a recent excerpt of writing that I think speaks to this theme:
" Marvin J Ashton said, " The world is filled with too many of us who are inclined to indicate our love with an announcement or declaration. True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time...Love demands action if it is to be continuing. Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy. Love is not a convenience. Let us resolve to take the time to give of ourselves in putting love into appropriate action and performance." They shared this quote today in Relief Society and it hit me really hard. For years now I've declared my love in letters and little notes, in three simple words and in long fancy paragraphs. I guess I thought that all I had were words and that when I finally can give them to you--you will know. Not only will you know, but you'll feel how much I love you, not necessarily through the combination of letters and words, but from the sheer constancy and endurance of them. It's not forever yet, but eleven years is a good start. I thought for sure you'd see the way loving you has changed me, shaped me, and how I tried to give you some of that in return. But today, in hearing that quote, I doubted. Of course I agree that love is not a convenience or a fancy- I know it takes time and work and more than words. And today I questioned if that's all I've been offering- declarations and announcements. And if I have, shame on me. You deserve so much more. So I wondered- how can I show you how much I love you? How can I translate this incredible light and essence that is part of my very soul because of you into something more tangible? Not that words don't have power and weight- over 100 letters tucked away in my letter box for you proves that. But still, you deserve more. You deserve to be loved in every possible way, in every conceivable expression of the emotion. If you were here, I'd try to figure out how to serve you, how to spend time with you, how to give you gifts only I can, how to soothe and comfort, how to touch and kiss. But you're not here and I am going crazy trying to figure out how to express all this love for you I have bottled up inside. And then the thought came, or rather the inspiration, that one of the best gifts I could give you is my best self. The me who has conquered fears and dealt with the emotional trauma of my family so I don't drag it into our marriage. The best me who has disciplined herself and taken control of her finances. The best me who has taken my health and confidence back in place of aches, pains, and worries. The best me who has taken action to become this woman I'm meant to be and in so doing shown just how much I love you. Love, Me"
Here's to finding balance, freedom, simplicity, hope, and love in 2015!
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