Last night during institute we had some rousing and thought-provoking discussions including one comment that prompted some self-reflection (and eventually this post). A young man commented that usually when he got defensive about a certain topic or question, it was because deep down he had an insecurity related to that subject. The truth of that statement struck me right in the center as I've thought about the frustrations/irritations/worries/insecurities that I have. Lately, I have become frustrated with myself for my frustration and irritation at the simplest things; I realized that it's not about bitterness or jealousy, but rather about loneliness, fear, and insecurity. It's not that I don't love, support, or respect many of my wonderful friends, but whenever certain topics come up I'm suddenly defensive due to fears or insecurities (sometimes obvious ones, sometimes a bit deeper).
When your wedding invite comes in the mail and the bridal photos are posted all over, forgive me if I cry a little. You are beautiful and I am truly excited for your happiness, but some part of me worries that it will never be my turn. A little voice somewhere keeps suggesting that maybe I'm not lovable. It's not you. It's me.
When you celebrate anniversaries with your spouse of x number of years, forgive me if I can't talk to you about it. Am I happy for you? Yes! But part of me aches wondering if I'll ever find someone who loves me like that, if I can find someone who will always love me like that, or if I will be alone for a long time. It's not you. It's me.
When your home is suddenly full of preparations for a new little one, please forgive me if I feel out of place. And when your baby arrives, forgive me if I beg to hold and rock your precious little one and cry the whole time. I worry at times that this particular joy may never be mine. It's not you. It's me.
When every post is about your clever little boy and darling daughter, I promise I read and like all of them, but forgive me if I don't know what to say. I fear a little one will never call me Mom, that I will never get the chance to help a young soul reach it's potential in that way. It's not you. It's me.
Please don't misunderstand me- I want to hear about your wedding plans, marriage adventures, and baby surprises. I honestly, truly do. I know it's not about me 99% of the time and I'm not asking you to be concerned about my feelings. And I recognize while expressing this, that I do have a lot of faith and hope that these desires will be fulfilled one day for me. I just want you to know that it's not you. It's me.
When your wedding invite comes in the mail and the bridal photos are posted all over, forgive me if I cry a little. You are beautiful and I am truly excited for your happiness, but some part of me worries that it will never be my turn. A little voice somewhere keeps suggesting that maybe I'm not lovable. It's not you. It's me.
When you celebrate anniversaries with your spouse of x number of years, forgive me if I can't talk to you about it. Am I happy for you? Yes! But part of me aches wondering if I'll ever find someone who loves me like that, if I can find someone who will always love me like that, or if I will be alone for a long time. It's not you. It's me.
When your home is suddenly full of preparations for a new little one, please forgive me if I feel out of place. And when your baby arrives, forgive me if I beg to hold and rock your precious little one and cry the whole time. I worry at times that this particular joy may never be mine. It's not you. It's me.
When every post is about your clever little boy and darling daughter, I promise I read and like all of them, but forgive me if I don't know what to say. I fear a little one will never call me Mom, that I will never get the chance to help a young soul reach it's potential in that way. It's not you. It's me.
Please don't misunderstand me- I want to hear about your wedding plans, marriage adventures, and baby surprises. I honestly, truly do. I know it's not about me 99% of the time and I'm not asking you to be concerned about my feelings. And I recognize while expressing this, that I do have a lot of faith and hope that these desires will be fulfilled one day for me. I just want you to know that it's not you. It's me.
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