I Am A Survivor

Wow. What a month it has been since I last blogged! I'm not the kind of blogger to tell you about going to the zoo on Saturday or a bad day at work (even if I did have them) or all of my deep dark emotions. But, this past month- six weeks have been incredibly difficult. In fact, the past six months have quite possibly been the trial of my life so far. And I'm still alive to type about it. Point for me.

I'm sure many of you have been there-- that point when you think you have nothing left to give, or when you think the grief and anger cripple you so entirely you can't hold onto a happy thought. The days you get up and try to get ready only to crawl back into bed after your roommates have left for the day. And in all honesty, to all you fellow brave souls out there who are nodding at all the above sentiments, it's okay to admit that it's hard. I'm doing everything in my power to exercise faith and optimism, reading my scriptures, attending the temple, praying, etc and it is still hard. People ask how your day was and you hesitate, trying to decide if you should tell them that today was hard, just like yesterday, and that tomorrow will be difficult as well...it sounds negative, doesn't it? But let me tell you, admitting the bad and hard emotions is not a weakness, it's a strength. Having the courage to acknowledge that you are hurt or angry takes more courage than masking it all behind a false smile. Don't get me wrong- I'm not saying that one can't be optimistic in hard times, just not insincerely. I do not want to find myself in relationships where the entire range of emotions are not dealt with- where people want to find a quick fix to make everything ok instead of helping me work through it, where friends can be there for the triumphs but not for the tears. Now is not the day for fair-weather friends; life is too hard and short to spend alone and too beautiful and wonderful not to be shared, all of it. Now is the day when the rubber meets the road and you decide if you really believe it.

And guess what?
I do.

I believe that true love exists, that people are basically good, that we all make mistakes and all deserve forgiveness, that faith makes a difference, that prayers are heard, that gratitude is divine, that 19 year old young men around the world can change lives, that revelation to people like me and you is not only possible but a daily reality, and that all of these experiences are to instruct and stretch my soul. " The soul is like a violin string- it only makes music when stretched." To all you fighters out there- you are a survivor too.