Driving Standard (a.k.a Panic at the Wheel)

So I just got a car. A 2003 Acura RSX Type S. An excellent vehicle. Dark blue, a little bit sporty looking, in really good condition, air conditioning ( my first requisite for Arizona), cool stereo, etc,etc. And it's standard. Manual. Stick shift. When I first heard those words, I think all the blood drained from my face. I have never wanted to drive stick shift. Never. Actually, I've avoided it. In all honesty, I knew very little about them before. I knew that most people who drive them, love it. But whenever I've ridden in one, I didn't like the feel of it. Now that I'm learning to drive it, I know why I had this innate aversion to standard--I'm. NOT. in. control.

Oh, the psychological analyzing that could go into that. But I'll stick to the topic at hand. For the past 7-8 years, driving has been about freedom and being in control. I could control where I was going and when. As a good driver, I feel as though I can control the vehicle. That has all been stripped away from me now. I feel like the car is in control and if I don't do what it wants, it stalls, dies, quits on me. And I've had enough of that. Coming out to Arizona has been a new start for me, an opportunity to create my own life, and in some ways, about taking control of what I want and need in life. Granted, there have been limits to being without a car, but I was doing it on my terms. Mentally, I know I can do this. I can learn, but there is this panic that wells up because I feel so powerless, followed quickly by anger and determination that I will not let a car win. I will not let a machine defeat me. Today's practice driving was already better than yesterday and I drove in real traffic (gulp). And I believe laughter is better than crying, so here are some thoughts about learning stick shift.

1. If I can master driving stick shift when it scares me silly, dating will seem like no problem.

2. When I learn to drive really well in a standard, I will have the confidence of conquering a fear added to feeling like I'm in control again.

3. I can add driving stick to my "future wife resume". Yes, I'm kind of a catch.

4. It's just a little exercise in learning to let go, to let myself make mistakes, and to be okay with looking stupid sometimes.

5. Stick shift is like most good things- there is a progression, step by step. Just like I can't go 1st to 5th gear, I have to learn the basics, start off slow, work my way up. Line upon line, precept upon precept.

6. Similar to relationships, in the end it's not about dominance or control. It's not about who is in control, but about working together and finding a balance. If I just get angry and frustrated and wear out my clutch grinding the gears, we both lose. If I always let myself feel controlled by the car, I'm never going to enjoy driving it. Balance. Give and take is key.

7. Driving stick is a good way to avoid distractions. I can't text, talk on the phone, eat, etc while trying to drive stick. Also, I can't "accidentally" speed. If I'm going that fast, I had to shift to get there!

8. Learning to drive standard fulfills a least four, possibly more, qualities of my "Quality Life". Be brave. Push myself to do something I once thought I couldn't do. Never stop learning. And...overcome a fear. Well, I really set myself up for that, didn't I?

9. Just another reminder that just because I mess up or get frustrated, doesn't mean I, myself, am a bad driver or person. In mortality, we make mistakes, we stall, we fight what we know we should be doing, fall short of our responsibilities, etc. But we can learn, do better, repent, ask forgiveness, and try again. Of course it's embarrassing to stall in the middle of the road or be chastised in front of others--but it's about how we respond afterwards that makes the difference. Do we work to recognize what we did or do we get mad and blame the car (or someone else)?

10. I have a lot more awareness on the road now. Who knows if the poor driver in front of me needs more space because they too are learning stick. And if some one is driving a little bit lurchy and rough, it's ok. See-- trials do teach us compassion and give us empathy.

* Bonus- I look really awesome driving Rhys. Yes, that is what I've decided to name my car.



Camber's Challenge

So I have this amazing sister. Actually, I have multiple amazing incredible sisters. Each of them deserves their own post and thereby those posts will be coming forthwith. Today is for Camber. I used to call her Bubbles on here, but it's a little silly when most people who read this blog know exactly what her name is. Camber is 20 (as of this month). Cam is funny and quirky, often laughing me out of a bad mood. She is a devoted friend, loyal to a fault, and protective of all she loves. Camber is quite fashionable, usually coordinated and gorgeous, and otherwise funky and cool- seriously, I might need her as a wardrobe consultant after she comes home from her mission. Yes, her mission!!! That is the point of this whole post (other than bragging about an amazing sister). Camber has been working hard for almost a year to prepare to go on a mission. I know some who work for many years and make great sacrifices and as her sister and one who had personally seen the blessings and opportunities that come from serving a full-time mission, I want to help Camber have this wonderful opportunity to serve, learn, and grow. She's been working and saving up, as have various members of the family, but we still need help. And the prompting is increasingly strong that she needs to go sooner rather than later. So while I know this isn't usual ( and yes, we are also working through other channels) I'm asking for some help.

I have set up a fundraising page here for Camber's Challenge.

 

Please help in any way you can and share with your friends. If you have any comments, suggestions, or or questions, please feel free to comment.

Light Dispels Darkness

 



There are days, occasionally weeks, when the worries and fears seem to work themselves into the forefront of our minds, weighing with extra pressure on our hearts despite all our efforts to maintain positivity and faith. But inevitably, the scales always tip in favor of faith. Because faith is always stronger than fear. Even the smallest light will forever push away the darkness. And as we strive to fill our lives with people, places, and activities that create or bring light, we can't help but increase the gravitational pull towards faith.

In a talk given in General Conference April of 2002, Elder Hales related the following :
"This past winter I had the opportunity to learn more about my lungs. I became very aware that we cannot store oxygen. We cannot save the air we need to breathe, no matter how hard we try. Moment by moment, breath by breath, our lives are granted to us and are renewed. So it is with spiritual light. It must be renewed in us on a regular basis. We must generate it day by day, thought by thought, and with daily righteous action if we are to keep the darkness of the adversary away.

When I was a boy, I used to ride my bicycle home from basketball practice at night. I would connect a small pear-shaped generator to my bicycle tire. Then as I pedaled, the tire would turn a tiny rotor, which produced electricity and emitted a single, welcome beam of light. It was a simple but effective mechanism. But I had to pedal to make it work! I learned quickly that if I stopped pedaling my bicycle, the light would go out. I also learned that when I was “anxiously engaged” in pedaling, the light would become brighter and the darkness in front of me would be dispelled.

The generation of spiritual light comes from daily spiritual pedaling. It comes from praying, studying the scriptures, fasting, and serving—from living the gospel and obeying the commandments. “He that keepeth his commandments receiveth truth and light,” said the Lord, “and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” My brothers and sisters, that perfect day will be when we will stand in the presence of God the Father and Jesus Christ."

Yesterday after my incredibly selfish post, I was able to attend the temple. An overwhelming peace and reassurance came to me throughout the session. Answers or reassurances to all of my insecurities and fears that I expressed yesterday were offered and gratefully accepted. John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Light once again dispelled the darkness.

 



It's Not You, It's Me

Last night during institute we had some rousing and thought-provoking discussions including one comment that prompted some self-reflection (and eventually this post). A young man commented that usually when he got defensive about a certain topic or question, it was because deep down he had an insecurity related to that subject. The truth of that statement struck me right in the center as I've thought about the frustrations/irritations/worries/insecurities that I have. Lately, I have become frustrated with myself for my frustration and irritation at the simplest things; I realized that it's not about bitterness or jealousy, but rather about loneliness, fear, and insecurity. It's not that I don't love, support, or respect many of my wonderful friends, but whenever certain topics come up I'm suddenly defensive due to fears or insecurities (sometimes obvious ones, sometimes a bit deeper).

When your wedding invite comes in the mail and the bridal photos are posted all over, forgive me if I cry a little. You are beautiful and I am truly excited for your happiness, but some part of me worries that it will never be my turn. A little voice somewhere keeps suggesting that maybe I'm not lovable. It's not you. It's me.

When you celebrate anniversaries with your spouse of x number of years, forgive me if I can't talk to you about it. Am I happy for you? Yes! But part of me aches wondering if I'll ever find someone who loves me like that, if I can find someone who will always love me like that, or if I will be alone for a long time. It's not you. It's me.

When your home is suddenly full of preparations for a new little one, please forgive me if I feel out of place. And when your baby arrives, forgive me if I beg to hold and rock your precious little one and cry the whole time. I worry at times that this particular joy may never be mine. It's not you. It's me.

When every post is about your clever little boy and darling daughter, I promise I read and like all of them, but forgive me if I don't know what to say. I fear a little one will never call me Mom, that I will never get the chance to help a young soul reach it's potential in that way. It's not you. It's me.

Please don't misunderstand me- I want to hear about your wedding plans, marriage adventures, and baby surprises. I honestly, truly do. I know it's not about me 99% of the time and I'm not asking you to be concerned about my feelings. And I recognize while expressing this, that I do have a lot of faith and hope that these desires will be fulfilled one day for me. I just want you to know that it's not you. It's me.

Holidays to Remember

I've thought about this all day, knowing I wanted to write something for the 4th of July. But I didn't know what. I love patriotic holidays but they're hard. I love the pool time, BBQ, and fireworks...and the memories. Mostly I love the memories. I think holidays can serve as an axis around which we measure time and growth. Perhaps because we tend to take more pictures on holidays. Maybe because those days are lit up by fireworks, Christmas lights, and jack-o-lanterns. For whatever reason, holidays help us remember.

 

I remember July 2007, I was in New York City for a summer program at Columbia University. They put on a movie night for us, an R-rated movie that I didn't want to watch, so I went to a little gelato shop around the corner. Afterwards, we went to the top of our apartment building to watch the fireworks over the harbor. It was beautiful.

 

July 2012 I found myself eight weeks into my stay at the MTC in Provo. It was normal day until around 7pm when we had a special fireside, ate ice cream bars, and we were allowed to stay out late to watch the fireworks from the Stadium of Fire. I remember being so excited to leave for Texas, sad to leave my wonderful elders, nervous about being a missionary, and enthusiastic about Spanish. And I tucked away the memories and wiped the tears as the flag was presented.

 

Now, two years later, I find myself in a new state, a new home, with many possibilities in front of me. Tomorrow I will have a party with friends to celebrate the 4th. New friends, great friends, possibly some future friends. We are going to grill and I think I'll make Oreo truffles which reminds me of my first year at BYU. And I'll remember all those adventures. We'll play in the pool and dance to music which reminds me of going dancing with Andy. And I'll remember. There is something so beautiful about remembering.

Praise to the Man

You know those days where you wake up inexplicably filled with joy? I'm having an abundance of them as of late. I find myself brimming with gratitude and happiness as I reflect on the blessings and tender mercies the gospel has brought me. Today especially I reflect on the prophet Joseph Smith as the 27th of June is the anniversary of his death in Carthage. So much has been said and written, shared and debated, but I just want to add my testimony of his prophetic role in the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I remember being 14 years old and getting the chance to attend my first youth conference, which happened to be a trip to Palmyra NY with my stake. We had a myriad of activities planned, including attending the Hill Cumorah pageant and visiting various historical sites, but the most anticipated stop for me was the Sacred Grove. My testimony had been growing steadily for years and just a few months before I had received my Young Women's Medallion, so I was looking forward for my own chance to pray in the Sacred Grove. I didn't expect angels or a light from heaven, but I would be lying if I said I didn't expect something.

It was a beautiful summer morning as we entered the grove, hushed by the reverence that filled the sacred spot. Going in separate directions, many of us found private spots to pray and meditate. I don't remember the words I prayed, just the desire I had to receive any answer confirming the truth. Surrounded by the stillness, I waited anxiously. Nothing came. Disappointed in myself, I wondered if I had somehow done it wrong, because even in my limited faith at the time I knew God answered prayers.

The answer didn't come to me while I was in the grove. Nor did it come as we visited the Hill Cumorah or the Palmyra temple. But as we drove home- buses full of teenagers traveling overnight- I prayed again just asking to know if Joseph Smith was a prophet. An overwhelming peace came over me and the thought in my mind- 'you already know it's true'. What a lesson for a fourteen year old to know that I already knew, that God answers in his own time, and that I must diligently seek and ask!

As a young girl I also loved to read history and stories about the early Latter-day Saints and pioneers. I was especially enchanted with the character of the prophet Joseph Smith- his humility and willingness to learn from the Lord, his strength and faith, and the weaknesses he had that make him feel approachable. I can almost hear his laugh in my head when I read of him playing with his children; I can see his joy as he received revelation from on high, and I can relate as he passed through the trials and tribulations, pleading to know the will of  the Lord.

Every time I watch the Restoration video depicting the First Vision, I feel the thrill go through me. As a missionary, every single time I recounted the account of the First Vision I could feel tears come to my eyes out of joy, each time engraving my testimony of the prophet and his role in the Restoration just a little deeper into my soul.

In Elder Holland's powerful talk, Safety for the Soul, he speaks about the testimony of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith. I love where he said, "Now, I did not sail with the brother of Jared in crossing an ocean, settling in a new world. I did not hear King Benjamin speak his angelically delivered sermon. I did not proselyte with Alma and Amulek nor witness the fiery death of innocent believers. I was not among the Nephite crowd who touched the wounds of the resurrected Lord, nor did I weep with Mormon and Moroni over the destruction of an entire civilization. But my testimony of this record and the peace it brings to the human heart is as binding and unequivocal as was theirs. Like them, “[I] give [my name] unto the world, to witness unto the world that which [I] have seen.” And like them, “[I] lie not, God bearing witness of it."

And I feel the same. I was not at his side when the Father and the Son appeared to Joseph in the spring of 1820. But I know without a shadow a doubt that they did. I was not there a few years later as he knelt in prayer again and was visited by the angel Moroni. I was not there when he received the gold plates and began the translation of that wonderful book of scripture, but I hold it in my hands every day and know it is true. I was not on the banks of the Susquehanna river as John the Baptism conferred the priesthood upon him and instructed them to be baptized, but I know that we once again can be baptized by proper authority. I was not there when he was visited by many other heavenly messengers, including the Savior in Kirtland Ohio, when they dedicated the first temples, when he taught in the School of Prophets. But I didn't need to be there in order to know for myself. I love the prophet Joseph Smith. I know he was called of the Lord to restore the gospel of Jesus Christ in it's fulness in our day. Through his teachings, I have learned more about my Heavenly Father and Savior, than virtually any other source. Because of him, I know how to worship my Heavenly Father and how to apply the Atonement of the Savior.

Every year on the 27th of June, I take a moment to reflect on this great man and find myself better because of all he did.

Praise to the man who communed with Jehovah!
Jesus anointed that Prophet and Seer.
Blessed to open the last dispensation,
Kings shall extol him, and nations revere.

Hail to the Prophet, ascended to heaven!
Traitors and tyrants now fight him in vain.
Mingling with Gods, he can plan for his brethren;
Death cannot conquer the hero again.

(Praise to the Man, Hymn #27)

Spiritual Traction

When my uncle died in May of 2008, my mom flew out and the rest of us drove out in Dad's truck. I switched off driving with my Dad and I was driving as we hit a snowstorm in Vale Pass in Colorado. The beautiful mountains were barely visible through the snow and the roads quickly became slick and treacherous. I was not familiar with driving the truck and my Dad instructed me to switch between gears and do various adjustments to maximize traction. After we made it through the storm, he carefully explained tips for creating traction and the physics behind all of it. Knowing how to create traction in the face of the storm saved our lives that day.

We are in a storm today spiritually. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain an eternal perspective when the world is crowding our view with so many things. Sometimes we feel inexperienced and unprepared to handle some challenges thrown our way. While I was physically driving through the storm, my father did not have me stop to switch drivers. Instead he coached and guided me through so I could learn how to do it myself. Heavenly Father knows we need these experiences, especially the ones where we can't see everything and we must learn to trust Him. The Lord guides us through the Holy Ghost, the gospel, and prophets to name a few. He is teaching us how to gain traction in our journey back to Him.

Elder Bednar spoke on this subject this past conference and he says it so perfectly that I wanted to share several paragraphs.

"Each of us also carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints. Two guiding questions can be helpful as we periodically and prayerfully assess our load: “Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”

Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most.

The unique burdens in each of our lives help us to rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah (see 2 Nephi 2:8). I testify and promise the Savior will help us to bear up our burdens with ease (seeMosiah 24:15). As we are yoked with Him through sacred covenants and receive the enabling power of His Atonement in our lives, we increasingly will seek to understand and live according to His will. We also will pray for the strength to learn from, change, or accept our circumstances rather than praying relentlessly for God to change our circumstances according to our will. We will become agents who act rather than objects that are acted upon (see 2 Nephi 2:14). We will be blessed with spiritual traction."

So what is this spiritual traction exactly? Is it faith? Is it the Atonement? Is it perseverance or humility? Yes. I think all of those are part of it. In looking at the definition of the word 'traction', I had some additional thoughts about what this might be.

#1. the adhesive friction of a body on some surface, as a wheel on a rail or a tire on a road. As a missionary I often looked at having a companion through a chemical analogy. When trying to purify a solution or compound down to it's purest form, often another agent is used to do so. In the reaction between the two, both can be purified. In the interaction between a companion there is definitely a purifying element. Sometimes as there is friction and we rub against something (be it a person, a trial, a personal weakness), we slowly are reshaped and purified. Ok. So a purifying process that allows us to move forward? Repentance.

#2. the action of drawing or pulling and #3 : the power that is used to pull something
When the tire meets the road and has traction we can move forward. If not, we slip and slide or just spin our wheels. Spiritual traction is created both by the force that pushes or pulls us forward and the nature of the relationship the vehicle has with the surface. (Any great physics people out there- please let me know if I am explaining this all wrong). There are numerous sources of power in the gospel of Jesus Christ- ones that impel us forward and ones that draw us toward them. Hope pushes me forward as does faith. The Savior promises that he will "draw all men unto" himself through the power of the Atonement (3 Nephi 27:15). We receive power through the scriptures, our covenants, the temple, and the priesthood. But it is only as we allow these sources of power to change our relationship with the mortal journey/the natural man that we can move forward. Maybe you've heard the phrase- "The question is not whether or not you have 'been through' the temple, but is rather 'have you allowed the temple to go through you?' " Or that the sacrament is of limited worth if we do not pick it up off the tray and partake. Are we allowing these incredible sources of power to change our very perspective on this life, our relationship with our Heavenly Father and Savior, and to develop a Christ-like character? Spiritual traction is the application of power to change our nature.

#4.Medical . the deliberate and prolonged pulling of a muscle, organ, or the like, as by weights, to correct dislocation, relieve pressure, etc. I really loved this definition from the medical perspective. Another saying I love is that the soul is like a violin string- it only makes music when stretched. This life is a probationary state, a time of testing and challenges. Not merely for the sake of having a test but for the purpose of our progression and growth. The very afflictions and trials that form part of the burdens we carry also help create traction to correct ourselves, relieve guilt, fear, and doubt, and develop spiritual strength. I spoke of this more last month in another post.

Looking back over that analysis, I think I can summarize that perhaps spiritual traction is change- change of heart, purification, overcoming the natural man and becoming more like the Savior. Elder Bednar asked the question,"Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?" And so I must ask: Is the load changing me?