Finding Isaiah

I'm taking a break from packing up all my stuff, so I can post. Some of you might remember I took an Understanding Isaiah class at BYU last year, which I absolutely loved! At the end of the semester we did a final creative project expressing our exploration of the book of Isaiah. Being a writer, my project took the form of a poem. Here it is.

Finding Isaiah

My flickering batteries are dying,

and the textbooks before me are creased

with notes and assignments.

One task remains, yet left deliberately

for the end with trepidation in my heart.

It's Isaiah, the poet of the plates.

Yet so far removed from my small

apartment and Life.

I need the promised guidance,

yet the screen oft times hinders.

Behind the Master, his words stand apart,

For even He says study of his teachings.

Over and over again the words form, but

stop making meaning somewhere between

the page and my brain,

the page and amy heart.

Now that I have started to search

I see Isaiah all around,

In the words of the following prophets,

Teachers and knowledge.

They all have glimpsed his light

which seems to only flicker before me.

What is he saying?

What does it mean?

Why should it matter to me?

It mattered to Nephi and Mosiah,

Joseph and Jesus,

so what escapes me?

Am I unlearned?

Unworthy?

Am I not ready for the poet of the plates?

How can I find him when I myself am lost?

Isaiah could not possibly know of my

pain and struggles,

my heartaches and loneliness.

He knows of deserts and of kings,

of armies and temples.

He knows of waters and mountains,

of marriage and children.

So how then can I see him?

Leaving the pages laid out

 I fall to my knees in tears.

Can I please know?

Can Babylon, Judah, Israel, and Samaria

translate to ideals beyond the boundary?

What work lies on my shoulders

and what lays with the Lord?

The room fades away as the

pages come into focus.

I see a Mirror with myself

reflected in the verses.

I see a Warning against my

failings and sins.

I see a Calling to join the ranks

and fulfill my commission.

I see a Father.

Powerful and wise.

Loving and merciful.

A Father who hears my pleading words,

and feels my aching heart.

 A Father who knows me beyond my very mind

and loves me beyond my every flaw.

I see a Son.

A Savior and Redeemer.

Who in patience will teach me,

in humility will guide me.

Who in love will chastise me,

in joy will comfort me.

Who in obedience will save me.

I thought I was looking for

the mysteries and secrets of his pages.

Instead I discovered the mysteries to be

Simple Truths.

Truths covered by intricate veils

yet truth nonetheless.

 

Six days til I fly out! And eight until I enter the MTC!!!

Opposition in All Things

Newton's third law of physics states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and that applies to much more than just physics. (Skip the next paragraphs of my political science text if you want to get straight to the discussion part, otherwise enjoy the complexities of Rummel : )

"This philosophy is remarkably similar to the yin-yang of classical Chinese philosophy, elaborated in the commentaries of I-Ching. The yin and the yang are complementary principles or forces, explaining all processes of development and decay. Yin is the negative, passive, weak, or destructive element existing in all things, and yang the coexisting positive, active,
strong, and constructive element. All change manifests an interaction between these forces; harmony is their equilibrium, conflict their opposition.

This philosophy can also be found in the Pair of Opposites of Buddhism, or in the blending of the two antagonistic forces (the life-monad versus matter) in non-Aryan Indian philosophy , in
medieval Christianity (as in the coincidentia oppositorum of Nicholas of Cusa), and in contemporary non-Marxist philosophies. A belief in a fundamental
opposition in all things has had its greatest modern influence through Marxism, and especially Engels' interpretation. For Engels, the unity and struggle of opposites was one of the dialectical laws through which change is understood. Without a tension between opposites, things would be unchanging: the overcoming and being overcome of opposing forces explain all natural and human history.

Contemporary Maoism combines this Western dialectical view of opposites with the classic Chinese perspective. Contradiction--the unity of opposites--is a universal principle explaining change. Things must be studied from the inside, for their development is a self-movement (an imminent causation) due to internal contradictions. One must grasp the principal contradictions, as between proletariat and bourgeoisie in capitalism, to understand the course of change, for it will constitute a struggle between these opposites and the eventual triumph of one over the other.

As a philosophical principle, the unity and struggle of opposites are
prominent in my perspective on human nature and conflict. Consider. Perception is the outcome of a struggle between opposing forces--the powers of reality bearing upon us and our outward-directed perspective-between opposing vectors. Reality itself is a complex of opposing powers struggling toward manifestation. Life is then a struggle of opposites toward realization. Harmony is a balance among such opposites. For society, the struggle is the balancing of powers among
people--the manifest determination of their interests, capabilities, and wills: the harmony is the structure of expectations. Thus the conflict helix, the process of balancing, balance, disruption, and balancing, is a unity of opposites through which society changes and evolves. Conflict transforms itself into harmony and harmony into conflict; war into peace and peace into war. Both are aspects of the same process, an inseparable unity in our psychological and
social fields" ( Rummel, Understanding Conflict and War, Vol 3).

Ok, my inner geek took control for a minute there, but that is some cool stuff!

An even more reliable source explains that "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so …righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad..." (2 Ne. 2: 11).

As comforting as the knowledge of opposition is to explain the hardships we all endure, we do know that it is only one of many. We each have our agency- the ability to choose, to make decisions every day. While I do believe that opposing forces fight for balance and create change, I would argue that we as individuals are those forces. Our choices on one side of the fence or the other, our allegience to good or evil makes all the difference. And yes, I really do believe that there are only two sides. Heavenly Father's side or Satan's side. There is no fence-sitting, no middle ground on this. Our choices are often the root of hardship or pain when we choose to follow worldly counsel or trends. Problems we encounter can be consequences from our actions and/or sins. But, now that I've touched on agency, let's go back to the opposition thing.

Since the day I opened my mission call, actually, scratch that. Since the day I put my papers in, totally and completely submitted them, the flood gates of opposition have burst open. Family problems, discouragement, fear, work conflicts with institute (as minuscule as that sounds), etc, etc, etc, etc. I think you get the picture without all the gory details. Satan does not want me to go on this mission. And it makes me that much more determined to serve, and to serve faithfully, and to serve with every fiber of my heart, might, mind, and strength.

In the beautiful hymn, I Know that My Redeemer Lives, it says "He will wipe away my tears", not that he will take them away. If everything was smooth and easy then this life would be according to Satan's plan, because it can only be easy if everyone is making the right choices. Which is, hello, taking away our agency. So, with a firm hold on my free will, I eagerly prepare for my mission.

One of my favorite general conference talks ever, given by Richard Edgley in 2010, centered on faith. He said these words that spoke straight to my heart: "Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith.Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism."

The Bend in the Road

Welcome back! Ok, you probably never went anywhere, but I've been shamefully neglectful. I started half a dozen posts over these past five or six months, but then left them half-finished. But today I have some free time I will use productively (along with the keeping of my resolutions!-going strong still : )



A favorite poem of mine explains some of this time for me:

The Bend in the Road

When we feel we have nothing left to give

And we are sure that the song has ended,

When our day seems over and the shadows fall

And the darkness of night has descended,

Where can we go to find the strength

To valiantly keep on trying?

Where can we find the hand that will dry

The tears that the heart is crying?

There's but one place to go and that is to God,

And dropping all pretence and pride,

We can pour out our problems without restraint

And gain strength with Him at our side.

And together we stand at life's cross roads

And view what we think is the end,

But God has a much bigger vision,

And He tells us it's only a bend.

For the road goes on and is smoother,

And the pause in the song is a rest,

And the part that's unsung and unfinished

Is the sweetest and richest and best.

So rest and relax and grow stronger

Let go and let God share your load.

Your work is not finished or ended

You've just come to a bend in the road.

Helen Steiner Rice

I kept telling myself that I would wait until I knew exactly what I was actually doing, but isn't that a conundrum in itself? You can't always wait to figure out the future--you have to step forward and embrace it. I mentioned last August that I had turned a 180 from the direction I had so carefully planned out for myself, which included BYU, marrying Brother Charming before graduating, and settling down to start a family. Sounded like a good plan right? But the Master Planner had a better one. So I came back to Indiana with my family. I've worked as a waitress and a substitute teacher (both of which will get an exciting post), gained a beautiful neice ( Lily should have her own blog, but I will definitely give her a post), and after much preparation and an abundance of tender mercies, drumroll please......................

SUBMITTED MY MISSION PAPERS!!!!!!!



As much as I love missionary work and have been involved with it my entire life, I was surprised last summer when I felt the prompting to prepare. Yet with a bit more reflection, I can look back and see the host of experiences that have prepared me specifically for this service. So the game plan: catch you up a little on my work of the past few months, post on Lily, and then transition both of us to mission mode, in which I will be posting letters here on this very blog. So hang in here with me! And a beautiful song that Hilary Weeks just released--just for you.

Two Sets of Footprints

Since I last wrote my whole life has done a 180, turning me in a direction that I never thought I'd go. With less than a year left of school til I have my teaching degree, I have just left my beloved Brigham Young University and moved back to Indiana. They say home is where the heart is and in all honesty my heart is bleeding all over Provo and the rest of Utah right now. In the catacombs of my library, the apartments of the residence halls, the concerts halls in the HFAC, the chem labs in the Benson, the quiet nooks of reflection in the JSB. Beyond a shadow of a doubt I will miss gathering at Nana's on weekends or holidays, going bowling with my cousins or just hanging out with them, talking to my aunts and uncles, and visiting the cemetery for those long heart to hearts I've made a habit of. And my heart aches for the friends I won't get to see for awhile. I've waited for over two years for my boys to come home only to leave within weeks of a reunion. But I hope I will be able to go back and visit soon.

The decision to move back to Indiana was made as one job, the wonderful job of being a nanny to adorable wonderful Jackson, ended and as the other jobs I applied for fell through. In the LDS religion, women can serve missions at the age of 21 if they aren't married, so that consideration is in the mix. But I balked at returning home for fear of losing my independence despite the money it would help me save for a mission and schooling. I considered joining the Marines, even did PT with a group of them for several weeks while I contemplated. Ultimately the choice was made with much prayer, fasting, and thought. Every plan I had concocted seemed to fall apart and I felt the Lord's voice telling me I needed to go a different direction. Maybe it was where I needed to go the whole time, but I needed to experience other things first. It reminds me of a talk given in the last general conference by Elder Christoffersonhttp://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-lohttp://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=engve-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=eng.

I often think about the story of the footprints in the sand. Looking back on his life, the man notices that at some of the more difficult parts of his life there was only one set of footprints in the sand. The Lord answers that those were the times he carried the man. Now, I fully admit that everything I do is because of my Heavenly Father, with his help and power, and with him nothing is impossible. But I hope you understand that when I look back on my life across the sand, I want to see two sets the whole way. I want to see patches of bloodstains, sand wet from tears, muddled spots where I slid around and tripped. I want to look back upon this life with the Lord at my side and say that I put everything I had into it- I pushed forward through the changes and the thorny patches, over the rocks, up the mountains, and down the valley of shadow. It is not that I do not want the Lord to carry me, but I think He will always guide me as I experience all that is required of me in mortality. This year has been a year of bloody footprints and tears, but I wouldn't want to erase the footprints in favor of nice, easy little steps. For it's what makes me stronger for the next challenge.

Sister Majorie Pay Hinckley once expressed similar sentiments:

" I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the tires from taking kids to scout camp. I want there to be a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors kids. I want to be there with a little dirt under my nails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know that I was really here and that I really lived."

Playing It Safe

We all do it. Yes, even you. Sometimes we play it safe. Of course we pretend that we don't, we avert our eyes, hold our breath, and hope that no one saw us do that in a world that promotes risk and passion. The optimist call it prudence, caution, or careful planning- which all sound great and organized until a realist calls you out on being guarded, uptight and down right scared. But who really wants to admit that they are scared? Sometimes it's being selfish, even a bit utilitarian, as we maximize our gains while minimizing our losses. Playing it safe is occasionally about doing what you want to do, regardless of what you think you should do because that sounds harder and probably is. And maybe it's not that we lack the courage for jumping, but the plain truth is that we've jumped many times before, as everyone else said we should, landed on the rocks and broken every bone, even shattered our heart.

The sad sad truth is that we do it more often than we think. In our education, our career, our relationships, in our everyday decision making. We tell only part of the truth because we think that they won't listen to it all, even though they really should hear it. We make dozens of back-up plans because we're terrified of being rejected so it ends up that we don't put all our efforts into Plan A. We keep our opinion to ourselves in a discussion or problem-solving chats because we're afraid people will think we're too bossy, know-it-all, stupid, mundane, or *insert your own adjective here. We keep people at arms length rather than letting them get inside our hearts because while proximity allows support and help, it makes us vulnerable to attack. Even the obvious one- picking the safe guy over the passionate one. And then we avert our eyes, hold our breath, and hope that no one was paying attention to your pansy decision making. Because in books, and television and movies, no one is ever safe. They blurt it all out, fight with their bosses, run after the bus, kiss their best friends, and get into their first choice schools or jobs. But if we step back- back into reality- we see that there is still a safety net there. It's not real. It will end and usually happily so it can make more money in the box office. But the consequences of risk are very real- unpaid bills, destroyed relationships, and sometimes lots of pain. As I'm sure you can tell by now- I don't know if I'm advocating playing it safe or risking it all. Someone once said, "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for." And a wise person answered back, "If you don't jump, you won't fall. But if you don't jump, you'll never soar."

I guess what I'm saying is that I need to take a leap of faith, be bold and daring, even just a little bit more. And keep building on that. And I think I'm saying that there is a time to hold your cards close to your chest, to pull back and put on all your armor. There is nothing wrong with being strong, independent, and wanting to protect yourself. But I think I will miss more of life if I don't open up, shout out my opinions, let people in, and fail miserably sometimes. So here's to figuring out when to do which!

Life is. . .

Life is beautiful.
Life is surprising.
Life is hard.
Life is a great many things all rolled into one.

So, I didn't get the job I've been working toward.
Therefore, lots of choices need to be made.
Soon.

I want to make the right choice for me.
I wish it was that simple.
Everything else factors into making life altering choices though.
Like my family, a career, a lifestyle, money, etc.

I want to grab life and take control,
But I don't want to be selfish and discount others.
And the one thing I want more than everything else....
I can't accomplish on my own or even when I plan it.

A few words of wisdom are in order.
" Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~Dorothy Thompson

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ~ Albert Einstein

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." ~Arthur Miller

"If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found."

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."- Emerson

Please pray for me to make the right decisions.

Big Decisions

I've got big decisions to make.
But while I'm still thinking everything over...
I thought I'd take some advice from the experts.

How To Make A High-Stakes Decision
by Amy Gallo at Harvard Business Review.

Even the most decisive manager can be thrown into despair when faced with a high-stakes matter. We make decisions every day without noticing, but a career-making (or breaking) challenge requires thought and deliberation. It's unlikely that a single approach will serve you every time. However, there are key factors you should consider to ensure you reach a sound conclusion.

What the Experts Say
People respond to the pressure of big decisions in different ways. As Michael Roberto, the Trustee Professor of Management at Bryant University, said in his 2001 HBR article "What You Don't Know About Making Decisions", "all too often [decision-makers] rush to a conclusion or else dither endlessly and decide too late." Finding a middle ground is difficult, agrees Sydney Finkelstein, the Steven Roth Professor of Management at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth and co-author of "Why Good Leaders Make Bad Decisions." "When there's more at stake, you have to take more time [but] how much time really depends on the magnitude of the decision," he says. Whether you are inclined to take shortcuts or stall out sorting through options, what's most important is to be aware of the hazards that might befall you, and how to avoid them.

Involve others, but own the outcome

Big decisions shouldn't happen in a vacuum. "You have to have a team. You can't rely only on yourself," says Finkelstein. By consulting others, you expose yourself to differing opinions, which will help you to make a more informed choice, and you give yourself a better shot at winning buy-in from those who will be affected. At the same time, beware of the risks. "If you have a lot of people involved, almost always a small subset take control and make the decision," which can make the larger group's contribution negligible, Finkelstein says. Also, while important issues, such as changing the strategic direction of a group or hiring a new manager, typically require input from many sources, at the end of the day, one person needs to be accountable. Ultimately, "the leader has to decide," he explains. "I'm not a fan of consensus."

Trust — but challenge — your gut reaction
In some cases, your first instinct may be right, but it's probably not based on rational thought. It's important to question your initial reaction and test it once you've gathered more data. Also make sure to explain your reasoning to others "That's one of the risks when we make intuitive decisions, people don't understand our thought process. It's not like when we go through a big formal analysis where they can follow the steps. With intuition, it's this lightning bolt. They don't understand: How did you come to that conclusion?" says Roberto in Harvard ManageMentor's module on decision making.

Remain open
Another pitfall that Finkelstein identifies is pre-judgment: when you form an opinion early on in the process, based on preliminary information, and stick with it despite what you learn later. "The hallmark of pre-judgment is when you see someone who is referring to data or examples that support their point of view and disregarding data or examples that are inconsistent with it," he says. Take notice when you keep finding information that maintains your perspective, ask yourself whether there is a dissenting point of view that you need to seek out and consider. Be your own devil's advocate and diligently challenge your initial assumptions, or find a trusted colleague to do this for you.

Be wary of past experiences
Many people make big decisions by relating the current challenge to what they've done in the past. It can serve you well to make those connections, but there are drawbacks as well. Finkelstein says people tend to rely on their past experiences even when they're not relevant. Roberto concurs. "The problem is that when we reason by analogy, we focus on all the similarities, and we often ignore the differences between related situations. And the differences often are where the problems are, where the challenges are." Bring in previous incidents as a source of data, but question how pertinent and useful they truly are.

Recognize your bias
"The reality is we all walk into situations where we have bias," says Finkelstein. This bias may be toward things we have attachment to — people, places, divisions — or toward our own self-interest. "It's not news that self interest has a role in how we think but what I found in my research is that a lot of self-interest is subconscious. We don't even know we're doing it," says Finkelstein. You may lean toward an answer because it will be easier to implement or because it is the one that will earn you the most good will with your people. These are not good enough reasons. Focus on reaching the best solution by acknowledging your bias and then putting it aside.

Don't close the book
Even after accounting for the above challenges, your decision will not be perfect. It's rare to figure out an issue completely before moving ahead with a solution. But, that doesn't mean you are stuck. It's a good idea to monitor the situation closely and make adjustments as necessary. "After a few days, a week or a month, you reopen the decision and see where you're at," Finkelstein says.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Own the decision but bring in others to better understand the various issues involved
• Recognize when you may be partial and ask a trusted peer to check your bias
• Regularly revisit decisions you've made to be sure they are still valid

Don't:

• Rely exclusively on your instinct — think through any initial reactions you have
• Ignore new information that comes in, especially if it challenges your current viewpoint
• Assume the issue is exactly like one you've handled in the past — look for similarities and differences

Moments That Makes Us- 100th Post

There are moments in our lives that make us, change us, shape us into the individuals we become. Some we know instantly while others are only found upon reflection. Moments like these are frozen in time, etched into our souls leaving marks for all who get close enough to see.

In celebration of my 100th post after eleven months of blogging I thought long and hard about what I wanted to post for this. I want to post this for me, for the memories and events that have changed me. And I want to post this for you, my readers, for believing in me, for following my journey thus far--so I'm sharing a bit more of my soul with you.
With my ear hovering over the vent, counting the seconds, waiting for the cries to fade. Suddenly I'm off the floor, out my door, creeping down the stairs, sneaking until I'm standing over the crib. And then he's in my short little arms looking up at me. I'm singing and rocking him back and forth, thinking that this must be what love feels like. I hold him until we both fall asleep.

Holding my chest tightly so breathing doesn't hurt so badly, I let the tears hit the pillow softly. Hoping that no one hears, that no one ask any more questions about the bruises. Afraid to close my eyes again because I know the nightmare will come back, afraid to let myself relive it over and over again. Angry at the hurt, angry that I don't know how to deal with it. Deciding to be stronger for tomorrow, deciding to distract myself so I won't dream anymore, deciding to never get hurt again.

Small inked letters cover the pages- lined, blank, even the back of take-out menus. Written in waiting moments, hastily scrawled to capture the thoughts, others carefully penned. Sealed with a promise, scented with Sunflower, kept sacred in a box beside my bed. Just words if read alone. Love if read all together. Not to be opened til the first day of forever.

Kneeling next to the fresh mound with the shots still ringing in the air. Numb to the spreading heartache, no words are adequate, no tears will help. The flag neatly folded as if to wrap up the grief neatly. Silence. Then his voice in my head telling me to get up, start walking...keep living.

Standing in front of the small class, pausing one last moment before I start teaching. Looking into their faces- young, nervous, excited- a mirror of myself. From all across the country, we sit together laughing, learning, discussing. As the words come tumbling out, there is no way I could have predicted it to be the beginning of the most amazing journey. No way that I could know that these people will become my examples, my heroes, my best friends.

I stare up at him, into those liquid pools of chocolate that have captured my heart, while the moon is high and the evening wraps around us as if to separate us from the world. His smile reminding me of all the laughter, the shared secrets, the trust built between two people. My palms are damp and my heart drumming to the beat of those three little words slipping out of my mouth. Words that change everything. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats.
Then the shattering.

Driving faster than legal, hot tears burning my cheeks, angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yelling, screaming, in my empty car, no one listening to me, then the explaining and placating. But I realize that while others are angry, mine is different- my anger won't go away, sets me apart. Then face-to-face, hugs, and getting to work unloading. Holding all the emotions in check so I can support the family. Being where they need me to be. But I'm alone-lost and drifting.

A tentative smile and falsely cheerful tone, unsure of what to say or not to say. Hugging him, feeling the prickly stubble, smelling the familiar smoke. Asking about the game, the Packers or the Steelers, and he wished me a happy birthday. A kiss on the cheek and whispered "I love you". One last look at the black licorice and John Wayne movies and at the shadow of a man, not sure if it will be the last time. And it was.

Adjusting the veil a bit, smoothing her skirt to gain a second to hide my tears on my best friend's happiest day. Remembering all the late night talks, long distance phone calls, the notes of encouragement, the friendship that has saved me. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

The Curse of Optimism

I'm a fairly optimistic person, if I do say so myself. Except when I'm not.

I'm a reasonably logical person. Except sometimes I'm not.

I'm a really romantic person, except when life demands some realism.

I used to be pretty trusting, but I'm not anymore.

You know the problem with optimism? Maybe you do and maybe you don't. And maybe it's just me. But my optimism leaves me standing in the rain, alone, smiling, hoping beyond all reasonable hope that they really didn't mean to hurt me, that they're telling me the truth, that in the end they do care about me, that if I work hard enough I can make everything work for everyone all the time, that if I can just keep smiling and pushing through then one day all the love and service will come back around. And optimism demands that I keep waiting, hoping, working for that "one day", because to give up anytime along the way would be failure. Yet sometimes, my optimism feels more like stupidity for allowing myself to be disappointed and hurt, again and again...and again. Oh, and again.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, said "I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
I'm not talking just about romantic relationships, but friends and family too.

But there is a part of my soul that refuses to dismiss optimism.

That clings to the hope of waking up each morning and finding the world a little better.

That keeps me going when nothing else does.

That tells me I'm right about this whole optimism thing, if I will just stand my ground.

P.S. 8 days til I see Emilee and 12 days til her wedding!!!!

Left Behind

Left Behind

Trapped first by pain
then sealed in silence.
Pushing for a way out
ripping out of the seal.
Adrift alone in the bay
wrapped in the mistakes
we’ve made all along--
Knowing you are adrift too,
in your own bay
barely in view.
Wishing somehow
we would talk it out together,
promise to keep each other afloat,
But this is how you wanted it.
Me here and You...there.
I can see them coming,
inching their way to me.
Pulled out to dry
leaving you swimming upstream.
Unsure if you want
to be rescued at all.
I’d trade with you
in a heartbeat,
rather than watch
from the shore.
Put me in the fight,
the crashing currents
and slippery paths.
Scaling the waterfall-
you are the martyr
and hero all at once.
Alone now,
alone in a journey
I thought we’d make together.
This is the one I picked.
Somehow our tickets
got mixed up in the mess.
And we wonder if we will
ever get to where
we planned to go.
But now we are world’s apart,
You, alone with everyone watching,
and me,alone, without their notice.

On Our Own Mortality

Right behind public speaking and snakes (and the fear of the dark and flying? depending on who you ask), people admit to being afraid of death. But why? Especially since we know we must all die, at some point, in some way? It is likely we fear the death of loved ones around us because we fear the feeling of loss and their absence in our lives. But also because as we experience the loss of those we love, our own mortality is clearly outlined- the realization that mortal death is, in fact, inevitable. For many it is the unknown, the uncontrollable change of circumstance, the fear that after working so hard to figure out this life we will still stand unprepared for what comes next. Your religious beliefs obviously play a role in this conversation: whether you believe in heaven or hell, in eternal punishment, or if you believe that everything ends when you take your last mortal breath. For more on my beliefs on that matter click here.

For so many more"the fear of death follows from the fear of life" as Mark Twain so simply stated. Perhaps we are afraid of death because we start to realize, in this contemplation of our own mortality, that we have not lived the way we planned. We realize that we have regrets and grudges, fears that have held us back, or decisions we wish we could redo. Dead-end jobs, a preoccupation with money or material possessions, or just inappropriate priorities. We might wish we had spent more time with our families laughing and telling stories, that we'd learned to let things go and forgive, or that we had truly learned to love. As Morrie Schwartz put it, " When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Now to where I was heading. It is one thing to sit near the end of your life, prolonged by modern medicine and technology, surrounded by family and friends, and to reflect on your mistakes and what you would have done differently. It is quite another to contemplate an imminent death in your youth, before you feel as though you've even started to live. Perhaps while just finishing your education and figuring out a career. Maybe while you still resent your parents and haven't had children of your own to finally understand their love. And you fear that you've never loved, not really, not completely without reserve- or that even if you have loved you will never know if it was the kind that could last through hardship and heartaches. Even beyond all that, the dying youth fears that they have left nothing behind to say that they were here, that they made a difference, that even in their young, incomplete experience they had something incredible to say or contribute.

So, what should be done? If a young individual knows they will die, has some warning, indication, or diagnosis, how should they live out their remaining time? Go crazy- skydiving, bungee jumping, travel the world? Or do they keep working and studying in an effort to leave something more tangible? Should they work hard to find love and be loved in return or should they distance themselves in an attempt to alleviate the pain of their eventual absence? And all the things that we've tried so hard to learn, in the belief that one day we would pass it onto our children, do those things matter anymore? If we have no children, no spouse, how can we continue on? For as we've seen many times, life has to go on after death. People go back to work and back to their own worries and problems. For your parents and siblings and friends, your death will become a part of their life, but it will not define them. But maybe, like I said before, in dying we learn how to live, or at least how we wanted to or should have lived. And just maybe we will leave that awareness in those around us.

Now, before you wonder, I am not dying. Merely contemplating mortality and all that accompanies it. What I'm really after here is some feedback. What do you think? Are you living life that way you feel you should- fulfilling dreams, learning to love? **And how would you handle death if you were in the position of the young individual? What would you do?

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." ~Norman Cousins

Unspoken: A Poetry Sneak Peek

As mentioned in my last post, my first volume of poetry is now available at Barnes and Noble. And I'm excited to announce that my second volume (even better than the first, in my opinion) is coming out in two weeks! So to all my loyal blog friends I wanted to give you a sneak peak.

Unspoken

There is a shadow lurking
in my blossoming garden and
tea parties in the park.
Under my willow tree and
slipping into the tepid pool.
Just hidden in plain sight,
taunting my pain to the
Explosion point.

There is a doubt lingering
in my freshly scrubbed kitchen,
tinting my counters bright white.
In my clean laundry basket,
all the shades become drab.
Stabbing at my heart,
Tearing at my walls.

An emptiness leaves an ache
in it’s hole, unfilled by the
trappings of daily life.
Words fall away,
losing meaning on the way down.
An unspoken pain untouched
by medicine or casts.
Open wounds gaping
vulnerable to thrown salt.

Unspotted walls, orderly floors,
silence emptying the rooms,
filling my nightmares
while small laughter and
muddy prints haunt my
daydreams relentlessly.
Yearning for sleepless nights
and exhausting days.

Playgrounds, grocery stores,
daily walks must be prepared for;
a smile sewn on,
a protective layer between me and them.
Their excitement and frazzled looks,
pitying me.
Unaware of the uphill climb.

There is a shadow lurking.
Here is the lingering doubt.