Mission Goals

Good morning!
An especially good morning since it's my first as an official sister missionary. I fly out today and enter the MTC on the 9th. Anyone looking for addresses- they are posted on the right side of the blog. Welcome to my blog- if this is one of your first visits! And if you are a loyal reader from before- thanks for continuing to read! Just a heads up- my family is all named with nicknames to protect their privacy. Please don't leave comments with their real names out of respect for them. If I use your name or story and you'd prefer I didn't, please leave a comment and *Bella(my younger sister who will be managing the blog for me) will make the necessary changes.

I must express my sincere gratitude for all the love and support that both Terre Haute wards poured out over me and for the support of my family- immediate and extended. I held strong through both talks in church, my open house, and the various farewell phone calls. But I'll admit to crying a bit when my beautiful Primary children (of whom I have been the chorister of for the past 8-9 months) surprised me with homemade cards and pictures. Some of the wonderful boys left me memorable lines such as- " Don't get eaten by an alligator.", " Watch out for wild things." and " Don't step on snakes 'cause they don't like it." Serving in Primary was the most humbling and inspiration call I think I could have held before my mission and I'm grateful for those experiences.

I've been thinking seriously the past few months or so about the goals I want to have for my mission, because I'm a goal type woman. The written down, posted, revised, and analyzed kind of goal woman- something that is coming with me into the mission field. The Relief Society declaration reminds us that "our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction..." at every stage of womanhood and I am grateful for the chance to discover all of those more in depth as a sister missionary. I've talked with mentors, friends, returned missionaries, and family members to help me develop the goals I want to strive for throughout my mission. Here is a list of the ones I've compiled. They will probably change, in fact, I hope they do change since that means I will be growing and progressing. But a starting place is nice.

Make morning prayer my first spiritual experience of the day, but make sure it is not my last. ( Advice from my father)
Faithfully keep a journal throughout my mission and strive to write every day.
To adhere to the advice of President Monson when he said, "Pray as though everything depends upon God. Work as though everything depends upon you..."
To work within the wards that I serve in, in such a way that all of the members (not just investigators, WML's, and converts) feel of my love for them and my desire to serve them.
To help those I teach apply the doctrines to their everyday lives.
To be able to teach the gospel in all of it's remarkable simplicity while striving to learn of the mysteries I have not yet gained knowledge of.
Learn something from each of my companions. Indeed, to seek out everything they can teach me during our service together.
To become intimately acquainted with the Spirit. ( Advice from my mother.)
Use the Book of Mormon in every aspect of the work.
Seek to continually serve my companion.
To sustain and encourage the priesthood holders I will work with.
Identify the Christ-like attributes in all those meet and serve with.
Love the gospel, love my companion, and love the people. ( Advice from Emilee and H.)
Spend 10 more seconds listening with people I meet to try to really get to understand what they are saying and what they need.
To find balance even within the rigorous demands of missionary life.
To not waste a single referral, lesson, moment, or day of my mission. That I may look back on my mission and say that I gave everything I could possibly give.
I know with all of my heart that I am not serving this mission on my own, but with my Heavenly Father's guidance. It is His gospel I am sharing, His love I am emulating, and His children I am serving.

All my love and excitement-
Sister Koerner

Checking In....

Hello? Oh, yeah. Hi, I'm still here. Just spent the last week having a blast visiting friends and family out in Utah. And I'm about to run off for the next two days down to St. Louis for a Relief Society trip to the temple = awesome! So, I wanted to check in before I'm able to give a more detailed post .
Above is a highlight video from Conference and here are some links to the full talks.
President Eyring's Mountain's To Climb was excellent and inspiring!

President Monson's Race of Life talk was grounding and centering for my heart- we must hold onto the eternal truths and let the superfluous things go.

I absolutely loved Elder Holland's talk- The Laborers in the Vineyard- I loved how he said, "So if you have made covenants, keep them. If you haven’t made them, make them. If you have made them and broken them, repent and repair them. It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time. Please listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling you right now, this very moment, that you should accept the atoning gift of the Lord Jesus Christ and enjoy the fellowship of His labor. Don’t delay. It’s getting late."

Elder Ballard's talk " That the Lost May Be Found" was a powerful reminder.  I was especially effected by this last paragraph-"Now, if for any reason you individually or as a family have lost your way, then you need only apply the Savior’s teachings from Luke, chapter 15, to correct your course. Here the Savior tells of the effort of a shepherd searching for his lost sheep, of a woman searching for a lost coin, and of the welcome received by the prodigal son returning home. Why did Jesus teach these parables? He wanted us to know that none of us will ever be so lost that we cannot find our way again through His Atonement and His teachings."

My family teased me that every time another speaker stood to talk I excitedly exclaimed from the couch something to the effect:  " I LOVE him!" " She is wonderful"  or " I love his talks...everyone be quiet!" And it was true! I felt such an overwhelming love towards all the general authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There were many messages and powerful words that spoke to my heart and answered my prayers; overall, I found two themes. First, the centrality of the family. Elder Packer said, "Fathers and mothers, next time you cradle a newborn child in your arms, you can have an inner vision of the mysteries and purpose of life. You will better understand why the Church is as it is and why the family is the basic organization in time and in eternity. I bear witness that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, that the plan of redemption, which has been called the plan of happiness, is a plan for families." And many other talks supported or strengthened the role of the family and the needs families have today. Second, I found the theme of redemption, forgiveness, and the Atonement repeated unceasingly as mentioned above.

***As Conference came to a close, Elder Anderson delivered the final talk (before Pres. Monson) and  voiced the thought: “What thinks Christ of me?” And continued, "Wherever you now find yourself on the road of discipleship, you are on the right road, the road toward eternal life. Together we can lift and strengthen one another in the great and important days ahead. Whatever the difficulties confronting us, the weaknesses confining us, or the impossibilities surrounding us, let us have faith in the Son of God, who declared, “All things are possible to him that believeth".

I love General Conference.
I'll catch up in a couple days on the rest of it.

Until We Meet Again

Until I see you again Grandpa Luce. Pass on my love to Grandma Luce, Charley, Grandad, Grammy and Papa. If you see my Grandma Koerner, tell her I love her too. Until we meet again.

Lily Photo Update

She looks like Jasmine in this picture, especially with that little giggle : )

Daddy Nik and puppy Ginger showing Lily some love.

She looks a bit confused at the purpose of the bumbo seat....

Hopefully I can pass on my teddy bear collecting to my beautiful niece.

And my deep love of Pooh Bear ( and Tigger).

She even loves to dress up!

I couldn't ask for a more beautiful niece.

Love, Aunt Kristi

Looking through Windows

"Tonight I’d like to share with you a few thoughts concerning how we view each other. Are we looking through a window which needs cleaning? Are we making judgments when we don’t have all the facts? What do we see when we look at others? What judgments do we make about them?Said the Savior, “Judge not.”1 He continued, “Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?”2 Or, to paraphrase, why beholdest thou what you think is dirty laundry at your neighbor’s house but considerest not the soiled window in your own house? None of us is perfect. I know of no one who would profess to be so. And yet for some reason, despite our own imperfections, we have a tendency to point out those of others. We make judgments concerning their actions or inactions.There is really no way we can know the heart, the intentions, or the circumstances of someone who might say or do something we find reason to criticize. Thus the commandment: “Judge not.”

Called to Serve

After months of preparing and weeks of waiting, a beautiful white envelope came in the mail last week. The obstacles leading up to the actual mission call have one by one been overcome and these past few days have been the realization of several of my life-long dreams. But for many people, the first question they ask is why? Why do you want to serve? Why are you going to be gone for 18 months? Why? And that is the important question I will answer in just a moment.

Opening the letter and starting to read I was reminded of the words of Professor Bott, a religious professor at BYU. In his missionary preparation book, Preparation Precedes Power, he emphaizes that " your call is as a missionary. It is separate and apart from your assignment...". Over the past few months I have envisioned many places I could possibly be assigned to serve, but I knew in my heart that as always Heavenly Father has more wisdom and perspective in the matter than I do. The first line of the letter started as all mission calls do..." Dear Sister Koerner, You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." I could see the assignment, but couldn't get over the power of that first sentence. I have been to literally hundreds of mission call openings- I have heard those words read aloud many times, but the beauty of the call filled my heart in that moment. Typing this right now and I'm tearing up again!

The next sentence brought much excitement too. " You are assigned to labor in the Texas Houston Mission" with it's tandem sentence- "You will prepare to preach the gospel in the Spanish language." TEXAS!!!!! I had immediate visions of cowboy boots and sprawling ranches, visions I know to be only partially true since Houston is the fourth largest city in the US after New York City, L.A., and Chicago. In fact, I found out afterwards that there are three missions within Houston. The Houston mission, the Houston East mission, and the Houston South mission. My mission is mostly north and west of the city of Houston, and includes most notably the Houston temple (pictured above) within it's boundaries. And preaching in Spanish! I love the Spanish language, having taken nearly five years of it in school. I have already re-gathered all my Spanish materials and have started studying. I've heard people describe this moment as one almost like--" Oh, of course that's where I'm going." That the assignment makes perfect and immediate sense. It wasn't like that for me. I knew the call came from the prophet of the Lord and I started acting on faith that the assignment was correct as well. Throughout the next few days I poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father in prayer seeking confirmation. And gradually a warmth and a peace came over my soul. I know this is exactly the correct assignment at this moment for me.

Back to the beginning. Why am I serving a mission? Some friends asked me after the recieved the call if I was disappointed that I wasn't going abroad. And the answer is absolutely not! I did not want to serve because it might involve travel. Others wondered if I was choosing to go because I have not yet married. Though being single provides me the opportunity to go right now, I am not serving because of my lack of romantic relationships : ) One more observative friend wondered if I wanted to serve to escape some of the difficulty my family and myself have experienced within the last few years. And that answer is still no. The challenges of late have only increased my desire to serve a mission because I know that so many people who are struggling with their own challenges will benefit from the gospel. The word "gospel" literally means good news, the same good news that we go forth to share also has prompted my desire to serve. Click here http://mormon.org/missionary-work/ to see more information about missionaries in my church.

So why do I want to serve? I can give you three reasons ( you know how much I enjoy lists : )

1.) The first and most powerful reason for me is not a what, but a who. My Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the center of the message we preach to people. His love is all encompassing and I know He will never leave me. His mission as our Redeemer included the atonement that redeems me from my sins and allows me to return to the presence of my Heavenly Father, his death that frees me from mortal death, and his resurrection which allows me immortality and eternal life. Last October Elder Whitney expressed this thought beautifully, "Our most important message, which we are both divinely commissioned and commanded to take everywhere in the world, is that there is a Savior. He lived in the meridian of time. He atoned for our sins, was crucified, and was resurrected. That matchless message, which we proclaim with authority from God, is the real reason this Church grows as it does." I want to serve a mission because so many people need the love of their Savior, so many need the hope that stems from his atonement, and we all need to understand exactly why we need Him, which lead me to....

2.) I want to serve a mission because of the knowledge I have from the part of the gospel called the Plan of Salvation. I know that I lived in heaven before this mortal existence; I lived and worked as a daughter of a Heavenly Father. He presented a plan to his children that we might gain a physical body and be tested to be obedient and faithful in this life, that we might return again to Him and eventually become even as He is. This knowledge provides many of the answers many are seeking-- Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? What happens after death? The scientist in me loves answers, loves reason and organization which is all provided through the gospel taught within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

3.) In the spring of 1820, a young man surrounded by the Great Religous Awakening sweeping the United States and confused by the tidal wave of so many opinions and interpretations of the scriptures, read the scripture James 1:5 "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." So he went into the woods near his home and knelt down to pray to Heavenly Father. And I know that his prayer was answered. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appeared the the boy Joseph Smith in that grove of trees. They told him that the true gospel and authority of God had been lost on earth after the apostles were all killed. Many churches had parts of the truth, but none had the whole truth. They told him that the full gospel would be restored through him, Joseph Smith, as the prophet of the Lord in modern times. Over the years, Joseph recieved and translated the Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Christ, and scriptural record of the ancient people of the Americas. I have stood in that very grove and prayed to know if it was true, if Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the true church of God. And though I recieved my answer in a quiet way, the answer is YES! I want to serve a mission because the Lord, in his perfect love, does indeed speak to us today, both through a living prophet (Thomas S. Monson) and directly to each individual. I want to serve because the Book of Mormon is the word of God which confirms and clarifies the Bible. I want to serve because I want everyone to know of the happiness, joy, hope, and love that the gospel truths bring into my life.

And that is why I accept the call to serve with excitement, joy, and gratitute.

Miss Lily

My beautiful niece, Lillian Wren (Lily) was born October 31, 2011

at 12:15pm.

7lbs. 9oz.

20 1/2 inches long

The most beautiful baby girl I've seen in my life.

A few days later she was adopted by her parents, Mike and Nik, of Minneapolis Minnesota. She is beloved by all who know her and for that I am overwhelmingly grateful.


This is Lily ( in her Christmas pajamas) and her parents on Christmas.



Words cannot describe how much I love little Lily. She will be three months old tomorrow and is growing fast. She is a miracle and a blessing to so many people. I am grateful to have even a small part in her wonderful life.
*Jasmine picked this song to express her sentiments to Lily and I couldn't agree more.

The Bend in the Road

Welcome back! Ok, you probably never went anywhere, but I've been shamefully neglectful. I started half a dozen posts over these past five or six months, but then left them half-finished. But today I have some free time I will use productively (along with the keeping of my resolutions!-going strong still : )



A favorite poem of mine explains some of this time for me:

The Bend in the Road

When we feel we have nothing left to give

And we are sure that the song has ended,

When our day seems over and the shadows fall

And the darkness of night has descended,

Where can we go to find the strength

To valiantly keep on trying?

Where can we find the hand that will dry

The tears that the heart is crying?

There's but one place to go and that is to God,

And dropping all pretence and pride,

We can pour out our problems without restraint

And gain strength with Him at our side.

And together we stand at life's cross roads

And view what we think is the end,

But God has a much bigger vision,

And He tells us it's only a bend.

For the road goes on and is smoother,

And the pause in the song is a rest,

And the part that's unsung and unfinished

Is the sweetest and richest and best.

So rest and relax and grow stronger

Let go and let God share your load.

Your work is not finished or ended

You've just come to a bend in the road.

Helen Steiner Rice

I kept telling myself that I would wait until I knew exactly what I was actually doing, but isn't that a conundrum in itself? You can't always wait to figure out the future--you have to step forward and embrace it. I mentioned last August that I had turned a 180 from the direction I had so carefully planned out for myself, which included BYU, marrying Brother Charming before graduating, and settling down to start a family. Sounded like a good plan right? But the Master Planner had a better one. So I came back to Indiana with my family. I've worked as a waitress and a substitute teacher (both of which will get an exciting post), gained a beautiful neice ( Lily should have her own blog, but I will definitely give her a post), and after much preparation and an abundance of tender mercies, drumroll please......................

SUBMITTED MY MISSION PAPERS!!!!!!!



As much as I love missionary work and have been involved with it my entire life, I was surprised last summer when I felt the prompting to prepare. Yet with a bit more reflection, I can look back and see the host of experiences that have prepared me specifically for this service. So the game plan: catch you up a little on my work of the past few months, post on Lily, and then transition both of us to mission mode, in which I will be posting letters here on this very blog. So hang in here with me! And a beautiful song that Hilary Weeks just released--just for you.

Big Decisions

I've got big decisions to make.
But while I'm still thinking everything over...
I thought I'd take some advice from the experts.

How To Make A High-Stakes Decision
by Amy Gallo at Harvard Business Review.

Even the most decisive manager can be thrown into despair when faced with a high-stakes matter. We make decisions every day without noticing, but a career-making (or breaking) challenge requires thought and deliberation. It's unlikely that a single approach will serve you every time. However, there are key factors you should consider to ensure you reach a sound conclusion.

What the Experts Say
People respond to the pressure of big decisions in different ways. As Michael Roberto, the Trustee Professor of Management at Bryant University, said in his 2001 HBR article "What You Don't Know About Making Decisions", "all too often [decision-makers] rush to a conclusion or else dither endlessly and decide too late." Finding a middle ground is difficult, agrees Sydney Finkelstein, the Steven Roth Professor of Management at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth and co-author of "Why Good Leaders Make Bad Decisions." "When there's more at stake, you have to take more time [but] how much time really depends on the magnitude of the decision," he says. Whether you are inclined to take shortcuts or stall out sorting through options, what's most important is to be aware of the hazards that might befall you, and how to avoid them.

Involve others, but own the outcome

Big decisions shouldn't happen in a vacuum. "You have to have a team. You can't rely only on yourself," says Finkelstein. By consulting others, you expose yourself to differing opinions, which will help you to make a more informed choice, and you give yourself a better shot at winning buy-in from those who will be affected. At the same time, beware of the risks. "If you have a lot of people involved, almost always a small subset take control and make the decision," which can make the larger group's contribution negligible, Finkelstein says. Also, while important issues, such as changing the strategic direction of a group or hiring a new manager, typically require input from many sources, at the end of the day, one person needs to be accountable. Ultimately, "the leader has to decide," he explains. "I'm not a fan of consensus."

Trust — but challenge — your gut reaction
In some cases, your first instinct may be right, but it's probably not based on rational thought. It's important to question your initial reaction and test it once you've gathered more data. Also make sure to explain your reasoning to others "That's one of the risks when we make intuitive decisions, people don't understand our thought process. It's not like when we go through a big formal analysis where they can follow the steps. With intuition, it's this lightning bolt. They don't understand: How did you come to that conclusion?" says Roberto in Harvard ManageMentor's module on decision making.

Remain open
Another pitfall that Finkelstein identifies is pre-judgment: when you form an opinion early on in the process, based on preliminary information, and stick with it despite what you learn later. "The hallmark of pre-judgment is when you see someone who is referring to data or examples that support their point of view and disregarding data or examples that are inconsistent with it," he says. Take notice when you keep finding information that maintains your perspective, ask yourself whether there is a dissenting point of view that you need to seek out and consider. Be your own devil's advocate and diligently challenge your initial assumptions, or find a trusted colleague to do this for you.

Be wary of past experiences
Many people make big decisions by relating the current challenge to what they've done in the past. It can serve you well to make those connections, but there are drawbacks as well. Finkelstein says people tend to rely on their past experiences even when they're not relevant. Roberto concurs. "The problem is that when we reason by analogy, we focus on all the similarities, and we often ignore the differences between related situations. And the differences often are where the problems are, where the challenges are." Bring in previous incidents as a source of data, but question how pertinent and useful they truly are.

Recognize your bias
"The reality is we all walk into situations where we have bias," says Finkelstein. This bias may be toward things we have attachment to — people, places, divisions — or toward our own self-interest. "It's not news that self interest has a role in how we think but what I found in my research is that a lot of self-interest is subconscious. We don't even know we're doing it," says Finkelstein. You may lean toward an answer because it will be easier to implement or because it is the one that will earn you the most good will with your people. These are not good enough reasons. Focus on reaching the best solution by acknowledging your bias and then putting it aside.

Don't close the book
Even after accounting for the above challenges, your decision will not be perfect. It's rare to figure out an issue completely before moving ahead with a solution. But, that doesn't mean you are stuck. It's a good idea to monitor the situation closely and make adjustments as necessary. "After a few days, a week or a month, you reopen the decision and see where you're at," Finkelstein says.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Own the decision but bring in others to better understand the various issues involved
• Recognize when you may be partial and ask a trusted peer to check your bias
• Regularly revisit decisions you've made to be sure they are still valid

Don't:

• Rely exclusively on your instinct — think through any initial reactions you have
• Ignore new information that comes in, especially if it challenges your current viewpoint
• Assume the issue is exactly like one you've handled in the past — look for similarities and differences

Moments That Makes Us- 100th Post

There are moments in our lives that make us, change us, shape us into the individuals we become. Some we know instantly while others are only found upon reflection. Moments like these are frozen in time, etched into our souls leaving marks for all who get close enough to see.

In celebration of my 100th post after eleven months of blogging I thought long and hard about what I wanted to post for this. I want to post this for me, for the memories and events that have changed me. And I want to post this for you, my readers, for believing in me, for following my journey thus far--so I'm sharing a bit more of my soul with you.
With my ear hovering over the vent, counting the seconds, waiting for the cries to fade. Suddenly I'm off the floor, out my door, creeping down the stairs, sneaking until I'm standing over the crib. And then he's in my short little arms looking up at me. I'm singing and rocking him back and forth, thinking that this must be what love feels like. I hold him until we both fall asleep.

Holding my chest tightly so breathing doesn't hurt so badly, I let the tears hit the pillow softly. Hoping that no one hears, that no one ask any more questions about the bruises. Afraid to close my eyes again because I know the nightmare will come back, afraid to let myself relive it over and over again. Angry at the hurt, angry that I don't know how to deal with it. Deciding to be stronger for tomorrow, deciding to distract myself so I won't dream anymore, deciding to never get hurt again.

Small inked letters cover the pages- lined, blank, even the back of take-out menus. Written in waiting moments, hastily scrawled to capture the thoughts, others carefully penned. Sealed with a promise, scented with Sunflower, kept sacred in a box beside my bed. Just words if read alone. Love if read all together. Not to be opened til the first day of forever.

Kneeling next to the fresh mound with the shots still ringing in the air. Numb to the spreading heartache, no words are adequate, no tears will help. The flag neatly folded as if to wrap up the grief neatly. Silence. Then his voice in my head telling me to get up, start walking...keep living.

Standing in front of the small class, pausing one last moment before I start teaching. Looking into their faces- young, nervous, excited- a mirror of myself. From all across the country, we sit together laughing, learning, discussing. As the words come tumbling out, there is no way I could have predicted it to be the beginning of the most amazing journey. No way that I could know that these people will become my examples, my heroes, my best friends.

I stare up at him, into those liquid pools of chocolate that have captured my heart, while the moon is high and the evening wraps around us as if to separate us from the world. His smile reminding me of all the laughter, the shared secrets, the trust built between two people. My palms are damp and my heart drumming to the beat of those three little words slipping out of my mouth. Words that change everything. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats.
Then the shattering.

Driving faster than legal, hot tears burning my cheeks, angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yelling, screaming, in my empty car, no one listening to me, then the explaining and placating. But I realize that while others are angry, mine is different- my anger won't go away, sets me apart. Then face-to-face, hugs, and getting to work unloading. Holding all the emotions in check so I can support the family. Being where they need me to be. But I'm alone-lost and drifting.

A tentative smile and falsely cheerful tone, unsure of what to say or not to say. Hugging him, feeling the prickly stubble, smelling the familiar smoke. Asking about the game, the Packers or the Steelers, and he wished me a happy birthday. A kiss on the cheek and whispered "I love you". One last look at the black licorice and John Wayne movies and at the shadow of a man, not sure if it will be the last time. And it was.

Adjusting the veil a bit, smoothing her skirt to gain a second to hide my tears on my best friend's happiest day. Remembering all the late night talks, long distance phone calls, the notes of encouragement, the friendship that has saved me. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

Song Stuck In My Head

I've had this song stuck in my head for weeks now, ever since watching Something Borrowed (good movie by the way). It helps that I own a Chevy and that I look really good getting out of it when the sun hits my hair : ) Plus the movie is really really cute. Kissing animals, holding hands, little kids....I probably shouldn't watch it too often, but that won't stop me from listening. And if you like this song, check out Natasha Bedingfield's song from the movie here. Have a great holiday weekend!

Soul Sistas

I've been blessed with sisters. Lots of them actually. Four biological ones- *Aurora,* Jasmine, *Bubbles, and *Bella, not their real names obviously. This picture is several years old now, but the only one I could find with all of us together...I will have to work on that.I posted briefly about them in my first post ever and this is what I said "My oldest sister (*Aurora), only three years older than myself, is funny and has NO inhibitions; I consider myself a fairly private person so she makes me step outside of my comfort zone, a lot. She also instilled my love of literature. My second oldest sister(*Jasmine) is only two years older than I and she is going to school across the country from me studying and working hard, maybe going to med school. She lives a very different life from myself and she has taught me so much about understanding others and unconditional love. She is always challenging me to think in different ways and I love her dearly. My younger sister(*Bubbles) is turning 17 this week (if you just rolled your eyes and groaned- I'm with you) and is boy crazy!! It's funny talking to her because of all the things she wants to tell me about boys and school and seemingly silly things, but she always surprises me with her deep insights and profound spirituality. My youngest sister(*Bella) is two years younger than the 17 year old. She is the tiny tomboy of the family. Over the years, her and I have shared a love of dancing so we always dance together. She is talented with the piano, singing, acting, and art- to name a few. Always thoughtful, she is caring and loving even when she's rocking out." They are women of laughter and intelligence, a bit stubborn and nevertheless endearing. We are constantly growing and learning from each other, and yes, sometimes frustrating each other. But we are learning how to be ourselves and have our separate lives and still be united. Not an easy task so far, but definitely worth it.

Throughout my life I've met incredible women- family, friends, and even strangers. Aunts, cousins, teachers, visiting teachers, co-workers, and the rare kindred spirit. There is something to be learned from all of them. They are truly my angels, my sanity checks, and my spotters.
I want to talk about one more sister today though. Emilee. Yes, that's her real name because she said I could. And yes, the one I congratulated months ago on her engagement and have been counting down til her wedding next week. This is definitely appropriate timing because when I return from my visit to her I will be posting pictures and sharing some adventures.So here's Emilee!! We met our freshmen year at BYU, had several classes together, and lived in the same dorm. We joke they we were neighbors in heaven before and will be once again. I can just see us on the PTA together and throwing block parties. Emilee once posted on my Facebook wall " The Harry Potter website just told me that we'd be friends forever. It knows." I couldn't agree more. And then there was the time we worked together on a project from the boys in our ward, and the time we had a love quote battle on fb, the times one of us would call the other and somehow the other one would be crying at the same time!! About 18 months ago she moved back to Arizona and I've seen her twice since then- last Christmas and this past April the day she got engaged. I just want to tell you some of the things I love about her: I love the way she listens to me, I love the way she can tell me I'm wrong and not make it sound like an insult, I love the way she laughs when she is absolutely happy, I love the way she takes care of the people around her be it family, roommates, or friends, and I love that I can talk to her about anything and everything. I'm sure I will gush more about Em after I come back from her wedding. Here is a beautiful picture of Emilee and her fiance, H.

To kindred spirits and to soul sistas!

Aunt Kristi!!!!

Exciting news-- I"M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!!!

Now that my sister, Jasmine, has made it public, I couldn't contain my excitement.

She's having a little girl near the end of October, the first grandchild on my family.

However, she and her boyfriend have decided to give the little angel up for adoption.

My first reaction when she told me months ago was "Can I have your baby?"
Not smooth at all, Kristi. Can you say- baby hungry?

This pregnancy wasn't planned and they are both finishing college, preparing for medical and graduate school, so they feel this will be best for the little girl.

Not going to lie- this is hard for our family.
If I could say one thing to this beautiful, feisty little miracle (in her ultrasound pictures she's screaming at the camera for being poked) is that while she wasn't planned for, she is very much wanted and incredibly loved already.

I'm not sure I can explain how much I already love my niece.
How much I want to teach her about life and poetry and baking and gardening.
I want to be there for her when she fights with her parents and rebels in high school.
I want to tell her everything I know about light and truth and love.
I hope I get that chance.

For now though, I'm celebrating this beautiful Little Angel.
For a baby is God's way of saying that the world is still worth it.

Left Behind

Left Behind

Trapped first by pain
then sealed in silence.
Pushing for a way out
ripping out of the seal.
Adrift alone in the bay
wrapped in the mistakes
we’ve made all along--
Knowing you are adrift too,
in your own bay
barely in view.
Wishing somehow
we would talk it out together,
promise to keep each other afloat,
But this is how you wanted it.
Me here and You...there.
I can see them coming,
inching their way to me.
Pulled out to dry
leaving you swimming upstream.
Unsure if you want
to be rescued at all.
I’d trade with you
in a heartbeat,
rather than watch
from the shore.
Put me in the fight,
the crashing currents
and slippery paths.
Scaling the waterfall-
you are the martyr
and hero all at once.
Alone now,
alone in a journey
I thought we’d make together.
This is the one I picked.
Somehow our tickets
got mixed up in the mess.
And we wonder if we will
ever get to where
we planned to go.
But now we are world’s apart,
You, alone with everyone watching,
and me,alone, without their notice.

On Our Own Mortality

Right behind public speaking and snakes (and the fear of the dark and flying? depending on who you ask), people admit to being afraid of death. But why? Especially since we know we must all die, at some point, in some way? It is likely we fear the death of loved ones around us because we fear the feeling of loss and their absence in our lives. But also because as we experience the loss of those we love, our own mortality is clearly outlined- the realization that mortal death is, in fact, inevitable. For many it is the unknown, the uncontrollable change of circumstance, the fear that after working so hard to figure out this life we will still stand unprepared for what comes next. Your religious beliefs obviously play a role in this conversation: whether you believe in heaven or hell, in eternal punishment, or if you believe that everything ends when you take your last mortal breath. For more on my beliefs on that matter click here.

For so many more"the fear of death follows from the fear of life" as Mark Twain so simply stated. Perhaps we are afraid of death because we start to realize, in this contemplation of our own mortality, that we have not lived the way we planned. We realize that we have regrets and grudges, fears that have held us back, or decisions we wish we could redo. Dead-end jobs, a preoccupation with money or material possessions, or just inappropriate priorities. We might wish we had spent more time with our families laughing and telling stories, that we'd learned to let things go and forgive, or that we had truly learned to love. As Morrie Schwartz put it, " When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Now to where I was heading. It is one thing to sit near the end of your life, prolonged by modern medicine and technology, surrounded by family and friends, and to reflect on your mistakes and what you would have done differently. It is quite another to contemplate an imminent death in your youth, before you feel as though you've even started to live. Perhaps while just finishing your education and figuring out a career. Maybe while you still resent your parents and haven't had children of your own to finally understand their love. And you fear that you've never loved, not really, not completely without reserve- or that even if you have loved you will never know if it was the kind that could last through hardship and heartaches. Even beyond all that, the dying youth fears that they have left nothing behind to say that they were here, that they made a difference, that even in their young, incomplete experience they had something incredible to say or contribute.

So, what should be done? If a young individual knows they will die, has some warning, indication, or diagnosis, how should they live out their remaining time? Go crazy- skydiving, bungee jumping, travel the world? Or do they keep working and studying in an effort to leave something more tangible? Should they work hard to find love and be loved in return or should they distance themselves in an attempt to alleviate the pain of their eventual absence? And all the things that we've tried so hard to learn, in the belief that one day we would pass it onto our children, do those things matter anymore? If we have no children, no spouse, how can we continue on? For as we've seen many times, life has to go on after death. People go back to work and back to their own worries and problems. For your parents and siblings and friends, your death will become a part of their life, but it will not define them. But maybe, like I said before, in dying we learn how to live, or at least how we wanted to or should have lived. And just maybe we will leave that awareness in those around us.

Now, before you wonder, I am not dying. Merely contemplating mortality and all that accompanies it. What I'm really after here is some feedback. What do you think? Are you living life that way you feel you should- fulfilling dreams, learning to love? **And how would you handle death if you were in the position of the young individual? What would you do?

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." ~Norman Cousins

All About Choices

It is a beautiful Sunday, but instead of sitting in church like I usually am, I am drinking gatorade and eating cough drops. You know what is coming- West Side Story! But first, this is a good chance to me to discuss the feminist problem that has developed and how it affects me.

As defined by Wikipedia: "Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for women. Its concepts overlap with those of women's rights." Basically, allow women the natural political, economic, and social rights as men. Various waves of feminism focused on different aspects from the workplace, home, political involvement, sexuality, and education. Unfortunately it has taken hundreds of years for women to be granted the rights and privileges most men take for granted.

I sit here, near my college campus, working several jobs and paying my own bills. I will graduate in the coming year and obtain my bachelors of science then possibly go on to medical school. Opportunities are abundant, not just for me, but for women around the world. But as women feel a bit more liberated they are turning up their noses at those who choose the traditional roles of wife and mother. In a recent discussion (ok, it became more of an argument), I was labeled "simple-minded" and "uninformed" in my desire to have a family.

Have we gone so far as to forget what the whole point was? That women have the opportunity to choose.

In Mona Lisa Smile, a 2003 movie starring Julia Roberts, a women's college in the 1950's struggles with expectation and appearances. One of my favorite scenes takes place between Katharine(Julia Roberts) and Joan (Julia Stiles). Joan was accepted to law school, but tells her professor that she has eloped and won't be going. And while I believe that women can have careers and families simultaneously, the sentiments they struggle with still continue today.

Joan Brandwyn: It was my choice, not to go. He would have supported it.
Katherine Watson: But you don't have to choose!
J: No, I have to. I want a home, I want a family! That's not something I'll sacrifice.
K: No one's asking you to sacrifice that, Joan. I just want you to understand that you can do both.
J: Do you think I'll wake up one morning and regret not being a lawyer?
K-Yes, I'm afraid that you will.
J-Not as much as I'd regret not having a family, not being there to raise them. I know exactly what I'm doing and it doesn't make me any less smart. This must seem terrible to you.
K-I didn't say that.
J-Sure you did. You always do. You stand in class and tell us to look beyond the image, but you don't. To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. This is what I want.

Being a woman is incredible. I know we are powerful, intelligent, compassionate, ambitious, and talented. Just look at Margaret Thatcher, Indira Ghandi, Eleanor Roosevelt, Carleton Fiorina, Andrea Jung, Elisabeth I, Golda Meir, Oprah Winfrey, Mary Shelley, and many many more. If you don't know who those women are, look them up.

And for those who think religion requires women to be submissive check this video out.


Now I'm going to get back to coughing and watching Maria and Tony!

Memories

A green recliner in a smoky corner,
the smoke that smells nostalgic before despicable.
Behind the chair is the hidden stash,
of M&Ms, crackers, cigs, and black licorice.
Things he really shouldn't have,
at least the meter says so every time he pricks his finger.
Positioned perfectly before the screen so not
to miss a John Wayne,
telling me to forget the druggie Beatles
for the charming Elvis he remembers so well.

And the music of the family,
standing at attention with twinkling eyes.
Laughter filling the entire room
until everyone was a part of it.
Sitting at a cafe in the capital city,
talking to me like an equal.
Hearing me out and talking it through.
Driving past a flag turned on it's end,
made us both turn right around.

Eating bubble gum push-pops and,
running through the fields.
Changing the thermostat seven times a day,
packing everything up once more.
Whispering secrets late late at night,
and sneaking to the kitchen for a snack.
Early morning car rides and classes,
standing up to the punks on the bus.
Fighting about a boy,
never having to say I told you so.
Phone calls are plenty- growing up together,
being grown apart.

Some Dreams Are a Little Too Real

Have you ever woken up, rather jolted out of a dream? Have you ever gone back to sleep just to figure out how it ends, to find the key, to grasp that one detail you need when you wake up? I've always been a dreamer, literally and figuratively. I have really vivid dreams and I tend to remember them long after I wake up. Now, I don't believe dreams are psychic visions, but I also believe they can contain truth and knowledge our conscious brain may not have full access to. Last night's dream may forever be imprinted on my memory.


There was this beautiful baby girl, more perfect than any I've ever encountered. And I've seen a lot of babies being an older sibling, a babysitter, a nanny, a friend, etc and I love them. Never have I found a baby I would call unattractive, but this baby was exquisite. Dark curly hair and deep blue eyes- eyes that will one day become green and gold. She had this adorable half smile and as she looked up at me while I rocked and fed her it was as though she was speaking to my soul. And I was singing to her, a lullaby I made up and can barely remember now that I'm awake. For a moment I raised her up and looked up at her only to realize she didn't have a name yet. So I went back to rocking her, mentally going through the baby name list I've made over the years. Not a Kelly Anne or an Emilee Nicole. Not Anne Marie or Nancy Rae. I woke up panicking that I didn't know her name so I did what every sane woman would do. I went back to sleep to figure it out.

This picture really doesn't do her justice.

Her name is Brooklyn Rose.

From the Heart of A Paladin

Paladin: any one of the 12 legendary peers or knightly champions in attendance on Charlemagne; any knightly or heroic champion; any determined advocate or defender of a noble cause.

I learned this word several weeks ago and fell in love with it immediately. In fact, when I get a dog that will be it's name. How appropriate to describe me! I don't mean knightly or that I was in attendance on Charlemagne (except in my imagination), but that I am a defender of truth and all good things. Indeed, "if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [I] seek after these things." (13th Article of Faith) I can honestly claim that I am a lover of many people, places, ideas, and activities. And I don't use the word "love" lightly-trust me, having experienced various methods and levels of love throughout my life. Now I tell you what I love so you can better understand who I am, for it is how we love that truly defines us.

I love my family with my entire being. My dad is amazing- the kind of man I compare every other man to. He is the voice in my head telling me I can do better; from him I get my desire to challenge and push myself. He introduced me to 80's music and old country and taught me to respect men just as I want them to respect me. My mother constantly teaches me something new. She is the ultimate example of patience and tolerance. Her and I are quite similar, but our circumstances have shaped us into unique individuals who are becoming friends independent of her parental status. She has the voice of an angel and passed on a love of reading to me. My oldest sister (*Aurora), only three years older than myself, is funny and has NO inhibitions; I consider myself a fairly private person so she makes me step outside of my comfort zone, a lot. My second oldest sister(*Jasmine) is only two years older than I and she is going to school across the country from me studying an advanced science field. She lives a very different life from myself and she has taught me so much about understanding others and unconditional love. She is always challenging me to think in different ways and I love her dearly. My younger sister(*Bubbles) just turned sixteen (if you just rolled your eyes and groaned- I'm with you) and is boy crazy!! It's funny talking to her because of all the things she wants to tell me about boys and school and seemingly silly things, but she always surprises me with her deep insights and profound spirituality. My youngest sister is two years younger than the 16 year old. She is the tiny tomboy of the family. Over the years, her and I have shared a love of dancing so we always dance together. She is talented with the piano, singing, acting, and art- to name a few. Always thoughtful, she is caring and loving even when she's rocking out. I only have one brother, but since I was only given one, God gave me the best one ever. *Jasper is the youngest of the family and is eight years younger than me. He is my angel and is probably the sweetest boy to ever live on the planet Earth. Constantly curious, he loves bugs, animals, science, ancient history, and any new subject you give him. When he was born, I cared for him extensively so we are joined at the hip...almost. Loving my brother has made me a better woman, and so has my entire family each in their unique way. (And yes, I purposely left out their names for their privacy). I love my religion; I am a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon!). It gives me purpose and direction in a world wherein so many are wandering. This religion is based on simple and powerful true principles and doctrines, yet always amazes me with the depth and breadth our progression of testimony can extend to.

I love my friends and I love making new friends. They continually teach me from new and varied perspectives about every subject and emotion. I love the multi-layered friendships I have the privilege of enjoying. I have been a nanny, babysitter, housekeeper, roommate, neighbor, teacher, mentor, resident assistant, group leader, team captain, etc to some friends and those relationships continue to grow even after I no longer see them regularly. I have to mention my friend Kelly, who always amazes me with her depth and perspectives on life. She is always there for me when I need support and I love her for exactly who she is. My best friend, Emilee, was my twin sister born to another family. I can call her and cry over the phone and no words are needed. Sometimes we call each other at the same time, both of us crying or laughing. She understands me on a consummate level that few others have ever reached with me.

I love learning, of every kind and all angles. Being especially blessed, I enjoy both science and English and history and music and math. The study of cultures and languages fascinates me; I am learning to appreciate art and that peregrination called life. It is typical of me to want to learn faster than I can run--I'm that excited for knowledge. Subtle things are probably my favorite things to learn: how to rock a baby to sleep, teaching a child to tie shoes, learning to enjoy the small things like sunrises and beautiful gardens, learning to slow down in our fast-paced world, learning to listen and understand, and learning to appreciate silence and stillness.
I love to dance- the movement, the music, the structure, the freedom, and the expression of it. I dance all styles and I have this sneaking suspicion that when I'm eighty I will still sneak out of bed and dance in the moonlight. I love to swim, which a rather recent love actually. I am currently training to swim the English Channel. Wish me luck! I love to write- stories and poems, essays, talks/speeches-you name it, I probably like to write it. Except a blog, but I'll talk about that later. I love romantic movies and love stories, love quotes and adventures of love in my own life. I love the mountains, sunflowers, cauliflower, latin dancing, fondant, Marines, the color orange, football, the Yankees, and finger painting.

The following is a quote from one of my manuscripts that perfectly describe how I feel about love: " We all have a love story. Familiar or romantic. Long or short, joyful or full of sorrow, complicated or simple, or somewhere in between it all. Francois de La Rouchefoucould once said, “There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand different versions.” Maybe we’re all just searching for our version. The one that makes us believe in magic, even after tragedy. The one that makes us want to become a better person if only to better love them. The one that makes the sun rise and is there to teach us how to deal with the night. But no matter what form love is for us, it can never be ordinary. Love itself is never ordinary. Maybe we are ordinary as individuals, or our lives are mundane, or it seems the plot of our life mirrors someone else’s. But it is love that truly defines each of us, and since it can never be ordinary, neither are we. Every aspect of the way we love shapes and defines us. Some will tell you it’s clothes or money, or the collection of life experiences that give you an identity on some level. But in the end, no one writes on their headstone what designer they wore, or how much they were worth, or a list of all their awards and achievements. Nope. You see, “Beloved Wife and Mother” or “Loving Father and Friend” etc. Life is about love. It really is that simple. Sometimes in life we forget that. All we see are the bills every day in the mail, hear people screaming for our attention, and feel the weight of the world on every square inch of our bodies. I admit to that feeling as well. But never for long because there’s a part of us that always knows. That will forever remind us of love."

In short, I love therefore I am.