Beauty in Silence

Remember when I went on about the beautiful simplicity of 1950's films and when I gushed about my tiny obsession with West Side Story? Well, this weekend I was diving into my Spanish studies so I thought WSS in Spanish was a perfect way to relax. Being so intent on comprehending the foreign language, the moments of silence are starkly evident throughout the film. They say that 85% of all communication is non-verbal, but the wonderful part about that is that it leaves room for a myriad of interpretations. I've seen the film hundreds of times, literally, and yesterday new thoughts and ideas about it's concepts and pieces expanded within all the moments of silence. Like the silence that separates the Jets from outside sources--for most of those boys, their gang really was all they had. It kept them safe, protected from the hurt and disappointment of the world- minus some bruises and bloody noses. And it reminds the viewer why they pull together after Riff dies. Silence can protect and insulate, but it can also alienate and isolate. It's a powerful tool we need to be mindful of wielding.

Silence sometimes can say more than all the dictionaries in the world and other times it allows us the time to find the right words. And when all the words, in all the languages, fail us, silence just lets us feel.

In the view of the galaxy above, for each of the million points of light from stars or planets, there are probably another billion points of darkness (at least to our human eyes). Not of emptiness or dead space, just unknown or unable to be seen by our frail eyes and sometimes even by our advanced technology. Just maybe the most beautiful complex galaxy yet to be discovered lies within the "empty" space we so casually dismiss at times. And for all the explosions, collisions, black holes, meteor showers, etc- for all the sound out there..... there is also a measure of silence.

In our lives, our daily conversations, in our relationships, silence has it's place. Not as an obstacle of communication or as a punishment for perceived wrongs. We each need our silence, our quiet time, our secrets. Because what we think about and not say, what we hold close instead of spilling out says just as much about us as does all the blabbing. And as I'm sure many of you know, I could keep writing on the topic, but I'm embracing the silence.

Playing It Safe

We all do it. Yes, even you. Sometimes we play it safe. Of course we pretend that we don't, we avert our eyes, hold our breath, and hope that no one saw us do that in a world that promotes risk and passion. The optimist call it prudence, caution, or careful planning- which all sound great and organized until a realist calls you out on being guarded, uptight and down right scared. But who really wants to admit that they are scared? Sometimes it's being selfish, even a bit utilitarian, as we maximize our gains while minimizing our losses. Playing it safe is occasionally about doing what you want to do, regardless of what you think you should do because that sounds harder and probably is. And maybe it's not that we lack the courage for jumping, but the plain truth is that we've jumped many times before, as everyone else said we should, landed on the rocks and broken every bone, even shattered our heart.

The sad sad truth is that we do it more often than we think. In our education, our career, our relationships, in our everyday decision making. We tell only part of the truth because we think that they won't listen to it all, even though they really should hear it. We make dozens of back-up plans because we're terrified of being rejected so it ends up that we don't put all our efforts into Plan A. We keep our opinion to ourselves in a discussion or problem-solving chats because we're afraid people will think we're too bossy, know-it-all, stupid, mundane, or *insert your own adjective here. We keep people at arms length rather than letting them get inside our hearts because while proximity allows support and help, it makes us vulnerable to attack. Even the obvious one- picking the safe guy over the passionate one. And then we avert our eyes, hold our breath, and hope that no one was paying attention to your pansy decision making. Because in books, and television and movies, no one is ever safe. They blurt it all out, fight with their bosses, run after the bus, kiss their best friends, and get into their first choice schools or jobs. But if we step back- back into reality- we see that there is still a safety net there. It's not real. It will end and usually happily so it can make more money in the box office. But the consequences of risk are very real- unpaid bills, destroyed relationships, and sometimes lots of pain. As I'm sure you can tell by now- I don't know if I'm advocating playing it safe or risking it all. Someone once said, "A ship is safe in the harbor, but that is not what ships are for." And a wise person answered back, "If you don't jump, you won't fall. But if you don't jump, you'll never soar."

I guess what I'm saying is that I need to take a leap of faith, be bold and daring, even just a little bit more. And keep building on that. And I think I'm saying that there is a time to hold your cards close to your chest, to pull back and put on all your armor. There is nothing wrong with being strong, independent, and wanting to protect yourself. But I think I will miss more of life if I don't open up, shout out my opinions, let people in, and fail miserably sometimes. So here's to figuring out when to do which!

Welcome Home and Catch-up

Welcome home to my boys!! That's how I think about you all even though I realize you are mostly grown up men now. But in my head, you are still my boys. To clarify- I mean my freshmen year boys, the Carroll Hall boys, the men of the 55th ward. 78 guys who have gone to all corners of the globe serving missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. From right here in Utah to California, England, Mexico, Brazil, Guatemala, all the way to Russia, Korea and New Zealand- and everywhere in between. I can't wait to catch-up with all of you!

Us girls haven't been idly waiting around while you were gone however. Rather- eagerly preparing : ) We've traveled too- from Hawaii and Jerusalem, to Spain, Germany, Italy, India, Ghana, and China. 29 of the girls are married with 4 more engaged. We have 2, almost 3, children born while you were away. 6 girls are away serving missions, with 2 more having received their calls recently. But more than that- we've been studying hard and working hard. Sometimes working full time and taking a full load just trying to make everything work. Even changing our majors and careers completely. We've moved apartments, probably several times for some of us. We've gone to new wards and made new friends, but stayed in touch with old friends too. We've been on blind dates and horrible dates, first dates, and the last first dates too. We've fallen in love and some of us have had our hearts broken. But we've picked ourselves up and moved on . We've thrown bridal showers, even baby showers, and we've cried and laughed together. We've been to weddings and mission farewells and homecomings. We've been in hospitals and doctor's offices, sick and tired, sometimes alone, other times surrounded. We have gotten phone calls that made us cry- sometimes because everything was crashing down and other times because life was wonderful. We've gotten in fights and been to funerals. We've lost people we love and gained strength and hope in the journey. We've become stronger, deeper, more faithful, better communicators, and experienced students. We've discovered a lot of things about life, about growing up and responsibility, about family, about enjoying the little things, and about ourselves. And through it all- we're still your girls!

Depending on your mission, you might have missed some things that happened over the past two years. Just a sampling. . .
Death of Michael Jackson
Death of Polish President, his wife, most of the cabinet and members of parliament in plane crash
H1N1 flu virus
Ms. Sotomayor -first Latin on Supreme Court
Wiki Leaks
Haiti Earthquake, Chile earthquake
Oil Spill in Gulf of Mexico
New Healthcare reform
Justin Bieber
The Republican Congress in 2010
Winter Olympics in Vancouver
World Cup in South Africa- Spain wins
Shooting at Fort Hood- 13 dead
Osama bin Laden killed

Some good movies you missed:
Animated- Toy Story 3, The Princess and the Frog, Despicable Me, Megamind, Tangled, **How To Train Your Dragon, Cars 2

Chick Flicks- Time Traveler's Wife, Letters To Juliet, Water for Elephants (And others, but I'll spare you)

Action Movies- Prince of Persia, Iron Man 2, Red, Unstoppable, Sherlock Holmes, Inception

Other Good Ones-Invictus, The Karate Kid, The King's Speech, Tron Legacy, Pirates of the Caribbean 4, The Blind Side

Welcome Home and I hope to see you all soon!

Life is. . .

Life is beautiful.
Life is surprising.
Life is hard.
Life is a great many things all rolled into one.

So, I didn't get the job I've been working toward.
Therefore, lots of choices need to be made.
Soon.

I want to make the right choice for me.
I wish it was that simple.
Everything else factors into making life altering choices though.
Like my family, a career, a lifestyle, money, etc.

I want to grab life and take control,
But I don't want to be selfish and discount others.
And the one thing I want more than everything else....
I can't accomplish on my own or even when I plan it.

A few words of wisdom are in order.
" Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~Dorothy Thompson

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ~ Albert Einstein

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." ~Arthur Miller

"If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found."

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."- Emerson

Please pray for me to make the right decisions.

Big Decisions

I've got big decisions to make.
But while I'm still thinking everything over...
I thought I'd take some advice from the experts.

How To Make A High-Stakes Decision
by Amy Gallo at Harvard Business Review.

Even the most decisive manager can be thrown into despair when faced with a high-stakes matter. We make decisions every day without noticing, but a career-making (or breaking) challenge requires thought and deliberation. It's unlikely that a single approach will serve you every time. However, there are key factors you should consider to ensure you reach a sound conclusion.

What the Experts Say
People respond to the pressure of big decisions in different ways. As Michael Roberto, the Trustee Professor of Management at Bryant University, said in his 2001 HBR article "What You Don't Know About Making Decisions", "all too often [decision-makers] rush to a conclusion or else dither endlessly and decide too late." Finding a middle ground is difficult, agrees Sydney Finkelstein, the Steven Roth Professor of Management at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth and co-author of "Why Good Leaders Make Bad Decisions." "When there's more at stake, you have to take more time [but] how much time really depends on the magnitude of the decision," he says. Whether you are inclined to take shortcuts or stall out sorting through options, what's most important is to be aware of the hazards that might befall you, and how to avoid them.

Involve others, but own the outcome

Big decisions shouldn't happen in a vacuum. "You have to have a team. You can't rely only on yourself," says Finkelstein. By consulting others, you expose yourself to differing opinions, which will help you to make a more informed choice, and you give yourself a better shot at winning buy-in from those who will be affected. At the same time, beware of the risks. "If you have a lot of people involved, almost always a small subset take control and make the decision," which can make the larger group's contribution negligible, Finkelstein says. Also, while important issues, such as changing the strategic direction of a group or hiring a new manager, typically require input from many sources, at the end of the day, one person needs to be accountable. Ultimately, "the leader has to decide," he explains. "I'm not a fan of consensus."

Trust — but challenge — your gut reaction
In some cases, your first instinct may be right, but it's probably not based on rational thought. It's important to question your initial reaction and test it once you've gathered more data. Also make sure to explain your reasoning to others "That's one of the risks when we make intuitive decisions, people don't understand our thought process. It's not like when we go through a big formal analysis where they can follow the steps. With intuition, it's this lightning bolt. They don't understand: How did you come to that conclusion?" says Roberto in Harvard ManageMentor's module on decision making.

Remain open
Another pitfall that Finkelstein identifies is pre-judgment: when you form an opinion early on in the process, based on preliminary information, and stick with it despite what you learn later. "The hallmark of pre-judgment is when you see someone who is referring to data or examples that support their point of view and disregarding data or examples that are inconsistent with it," he says. Take notice when you keep finding information that maintains your perspective, ask yourself whether there is a dissenting point of view that you need to seek out and consider. Be your own devil's advocate and diligently challenge your initial assumptions, or find a trusted colleague to do this for you.

Be wary of past experiences
Many people make big decisions by relating the current challenge to what they've done in the past. It can serve you well to make those connections, but there are drawbacks as well. Finkelstein says people tend to rely on their past experiences even when they're not relevant. Roberto concurs. "The problem is that when we reason by analogy, we focus on all the similarities, and we often ignore the differences between related situations. And the differences often are where the problems are, where the challenges are." Bring in previous incidents as a source of data, but question how pertinent and useful they truly are.

Recognize your bias
"The reality is we all walk into situations where we have bias," says Finkelstein. This bias may be toward things we have attachment to — people, places, divisions — or toward our own self-interest. "It's not news that self interest has a role in how we think but what I found in my research is that a lot of self-interest is subconscious. We don't even know we're doing it," says Finkelstein. You may lean toward an answer because it will be easier to implement or because it is the one that will earn you the most good will with your people. These are not good enough reasons. Focus on reaching the best solution by acknowledging your bias and then putting it aside.

Don't close the book
Even after accounting for the above challenges, your decision will not be perfect. It's rare to figure out an issue completely before moving ahead with a solution. But, that doesn't mean you are stuck. It's a good idea to monitor the situation closely and make adjustments as necessary. "After a few days, a week or a month, you reopen the decision and see where you're at," Finkelstein says.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Own the decision but bring in others to better understand the various issues involved
• Recognize when you may be partial and ask a trusted peer to check your bias
• Regularly revisit decisions you've made to be sure they are still valid

Don't:

• Rely exclusively on your instinct — think through any initial reactions you have
• Ignore new information that comes in, especially if it challenges your current viewpoint
• Assume the issue is exactly like one you've handled in the past — look for similarities and differences

Moments That Makes Us- 100th Post

There are moments in our lives that make us, change us, shape us into the individuals we become. Some we know instantly while others are only found upon reflection. Moments like these are frozen in time, etched into our souls leaving marks for all who get close enough to see.

In celebration of my 100th post after eleven months of blogging I thought long and hard about what I wanted to post for this. I want to post this for me, for the memories and events that have changed me. And I want to post this for you, my readers, for believing in me, for following my journey thus far--so I'm sharing a bit more of my soul with you.
With my ear hovering over the vent, counting the seconds, waiting for the cries to fade. Suddenly I'm off the floor, out my door, creeping down the stairs, sneaking until I'm standing over the crib. And then he's in my short little arms looking up at me. I'm singing and rocking him back and forth, thinking that this must be what love feels like. I hold him until we both fall asleep.

Holding my chest tightly so breathing doesn't hurt so badly, I let the tears hit the pillow softly. Hoping that no one hears, that no one ask any more questions about the bruises. Afraid to close my eyes again because I know the nightmare will come back, afraid to let myself relive it over and over again. Angry at the hurt, angry that I don't know how to deal with it. Deciding to be stronger for tomorrow, deciding to distract myself so I won't dream anymore, deciding to never get hurt again.

Small inked letters cover the pages- lined, blank, even the back of take-out menus. Written in waiting moments, hastily scrawled to capture the thoughts, others carefully penned. Sealed with a promise, scented with Sunflower, kept sacred in a box beside my bed. Just words if read alone. Love if read all together. Not to be opened til the first day of forever.

Kneeling next to the fresh mound with the shots still ringing in the air. Numb to the spreading heartache, no words are adequate, no tears will help. The flag neatly folded as if to wrap up the grief neatly. Silence. Then his voice in my head telling me to get up, start walking...keep living.

Standing in front of the small class, pausing one last moment before I start teaching. Looking into their faces- young, nervous, excited- a mirror of myself. From all across the country, we sit together laughing, learning, discussing. As the words come tumbling out, there is no way I could have predicted it to be the beginning of the most amazing journey. No way that I could know that these people will become my examples, my heroes, my best friends.

I stare up at him, into those liquid pools of chocolate that have captured my heart, while the moon is high and the evening wraps around us as if to separate us from the world. His smile reminding me of all the laughter, the shared secrets, the trust built between two people. My palms are damp and my heart drumming to the beat of those three little words slipping out of my mouth. Words that change everything. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats.
Then the shattering.

Driving faster than legal, hot tears burning my cheeks, angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yelling, screaming, in my empty car, no one listening to me, then the explaining and placating. But I realize that while others are angry, mine is different- my anger won't go away, sets me apart. Then face-to-face, hugs, and getting to work unloading. Holding all the emotions in check so I can support the family. Being where they need me to be. But I'm alone-lost and drifting.

A tentative smile and falsely cheerful tone, unsure of what to say or not to say. Hugging him, feeling the prickly stubble, smelling the familiar smoke. Asking about the game, the Packers or the Steelers, and he wished me a happy birthday. A kiss on the cheek and whispered "I love you". One last look at the black licorice and John Wayne movies and at the shadow of a man, not sure if it will be the last time. And it was.

Adjusting the veil a bit, smoothing her skirt to gain a second to hide my tears on my best friend's happiest day. Remembering all the late night talks, long distance phone calls, the notes of encouragement, the friendship that has saved me. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

The Curse of Optimism

I'm a fairly optimistic person, if I do say so myself. Except when I'm not.

I'm a reasonably logical person. Except sometimes I'm not.

I'm a really romantic person, except when life demands some realism.

I used to be pretty trusting, but I'm not anymore.

You know the problem with optimism? Maybe you do and maybe you don't. And maybe it's just me. But my optimism leaves me standing in the rain, alone, smiling, hoping beyond all reasonable hope that they really didn't mean to hurt me, that they're telling me the truth, that in the end they do care about me, that if I work hard enough I can make everything work for everyone all the time, that if I can just keep smiling and pushing through then one day all the love and service will come back around. And optimism demands that I keep waiting, hoping, working for that "one day", because to give up anytime along the way would be failure. Yet sometimes, my optimism feels more like stupidity for allowing myself to be disappointed and hurt, again and again...and again. Oh, and again.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat Pray Love, said "I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
I'm not talking just about romantic relationships, but friends and family too.

But there is a part of my soul that refuses to dismiss optimism.

That clings to the hope of waking up each morning and finding the world a little better.

That keeps me going when nothing else does.

That tells me I'm right about this whole optimism thing, if I will just stand my ground.

P.S. 8 days til I see Emilee and 12 days til her wedding!!!!

Taking a Stand on the Issues

In honor of the first debate of the presidential election campaign, I thought I should briefly explore where I stand on some of these issues. Please be aware that I am not an expert on all of these topics and reserve the right to research some more and change my mind. Not to worry- I will tie in technology in my next post : ) And the best one is saved for last, so try to read the whole thing or at least skim til you get to the bottom ; )

• Health Care- I support a universal health care mandate, but not at the federal level. If operated at the state level, each state would have more control over the revenue and be able to dictate state tax cuts. Also, by localizing the health care and insurance within each state it will create jobs that cannot be outsourced and help build the economy.
• Peanut Butter- Crunchy or Smooth? This debate has been raging for decades with casualties on both sides, people debating in the condiment aisle of grocery stores and even all out peanut butter wars. But in considering the merits of each camp, I've found that both are solid contenders for the top spot. So I must go with moderation in all things- smooth pb on my crackers or celery with crunchy pb on my sandwiches.
  
• Stem-Cell Research- Being a scientist myself, I have researched and studied about the processes and uses of stem cell research. I even attended a conference on the subject back in 07. I was surprised to discover that most members of Congress, when asked to describe their understanding of the definition of stem cell research, had little to no correct assumptions or conceptions about such research. Stem-cell research does not destroy life, but rather is working to find cures for medical conditions of every sort so I support stem-cell research wholeheartedly. However, in tangent, I do not agree with cloning for recreational science.
• Pepsi vs Coca-Cola- Like you even need to ask. Pepsi, hands down, no question. The patriotic colors, the superior taste, the family tradition, everything points to the right answer of Pepsi.
• Education- An issue close to my heart to be sure. While many presidents have lauded young students as the future of America, they have left primary and secondary schools out in the cold as far as the budget goes. Among the top industrialized nations, America has the lowest literacy rate. Maybe because we pay people who run around with balls or who pretend to be other people more than we pay our teachers. I support the idea behind "No Child Left Behind", but I have seen some of the errors in implementation. There needs to be more funds allotted with greater flexibility in order to meet the financial needs of the schools as well as the individual needs of students for attention and resources. I agree with alternative educational methods including home school and vocational training as well as the necessity of involving the community and family in the education of children.
• Dogs or Cats? I'll make this one perfectly clear. I am a dog person. It's not that I specifically hate cats, but given the choice I will take almost any dog over a cat (except the little yappy purse dogs or a pit bull). Cats are antisocial and sleepy all the time and when the whole point of me getting a pet is companionship the dog is usually alert, playful, loving, loyal, and intelligent. A dog can be with me in many situations from watching TV to going for a run, taking a trip, or doing projects around the house. While a cat may purr next to me while I watch t.v., look at me like I'm crazy if I tried to get her to run with me, puke all over the car on road trips, and sleep right on top of my craft project on the table. Dog person.
• National Security- Many of the national security issues on the table right now are the wire taps on incoming Muslims to the US and the threat of terrorists from within our country, and nuclear proliferation particularly in connection to North Korea and Iraq. I'm against wiretaps on any immigrants or visitors to America on principle, but rather suggest a more thorough screening process to allow for both security and privacy issues, not to mention tolerance to be maintained. I'm still undecided about Guantanamo and will continue to research. I agree that nuclear conditions need to be regulated, but not just on a national scale but on an international one. We had the opportunity to do so with Poland and the Czech Republic and backed out, which was probably right for the time. However, whether in NATO or another Summit, global consensus needs to be sought after.
• And finally...
• Edward vs. Jacob? ( Disregard the resolution reached in the fourth book of the series for the purpose of this debate) Upon my first reading, I was unequivocally in the Edward Cullen camp. I mean, there is something to be said for being absolutely drawn to someone and falling head over fangs in love. And maybe it's because we all want to believe that kind of love can exist--the unshakable, all-powerful, can overcome any obstacle, changes everything, consuming love. And I'm not saying it doesn't, the jury is still out. BUT, I've had more experience in dating, love, and relationships since I first read the series. You got to admit upon reflection- why would you love someone who always pushes you away and keeps you at arms length, who makes you feel like you're never good enough? It makes me think Bella is a bit stupid and blind, not to mention a glutton for pain. Instead, I would rather be with someone who allows me to be myself around him, all the time, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Someone who is full of light and happiness and warmth and joy. Someone who holds me close instead of pushing me away. Someone I'm friends with first and grow to love. Someone who knows how to apologize and keeps his promises. Someone who will defend me with his last breath but can also tell me when I've made a mistake. Someone like Jacob Black. So, all fiction and fantasy aside, I pick Jacob.

If you'd like to explore the issues a bit more or the candidate's stance on them check out this website. Please leave a comment or share your own view on hot-topics of the day.

On Our Own Mortality

Right behind public speaking and snakes (and the fear of the dark and flying? depending on who you ask), people admit to being afraid of death. But why? Especially since we know we must all die, at some point, in some way? It is likely we fear the death of loved ones around us because we fear the feeling of loss and their absence in our lives. But also because as we experience the loss of those we love, our own mortality is clearly outlined- the realization that mortal death is, in fact, inevitable. For many it is the unknown, the uncontrollable change of circumstance, the fear that after working so hard to figure out this life we will still stand unprepared for what comes next. Your religious beliefs obviously play a role in this conversation: whether you believe in heaven or hell, in eternal punishment, or if you believe that everything ends when you take your last mortal breath. For more on my beliefs on that matter click here.

For so many more"the fear of death follows from the fear of life" as Mark Twain so simply stated. Perhaps we are afraid of death because we start to realize, in this contemplation of our own mortality, that we have not lived the way we planned. We realize that we have regrets and grudges, fears that have held us back, or decisions we wish we could redo. Dead-end jobs, a preoccupation with money or material possessions, or just inappropriate priorities. We might wish we had spent more time with our families laughing and telling stories, that we'd learned to let things go and forgive, or that we had truly learned to love. As Morrie Schwartz put it, " When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."

Now to where I was heading. It is one thing to sit near the end of your life, prolonged by modern medicine and technology, surrounded by family and friends, and to reflect on your mistakes and what you would have done differently. It is quite another to contemplate an imminent death in your youth, before you feel as though you've even started to live. Perhaps while just finishing your education and figuring out a career. Maybe while you still resent your parents and haven't had children of your own to finally understand their love. And you fear that you've never loved, not really, not completely without reserve- or that even if you have loved you will never know if it was the kind that could last through hardship and heartaches. Even beyond all that, the dying youth fears that they have left nothing behind to say that they were here, that they made a difference, that even in their young, incomplete experience they had something incredible to say or contribute.

So, what should be done? If a young individual knows they will die, has some warning, indication, or diagnosis, how should they live out their remaining time? Go crazy- skydiving, bungee jumping, travel the world? Or do they keep working and studying in an effort to leave something more tangible? Should they work hard to find love and be loved in return or should they distance themselves in an attempt to alleviate the pain of their eventual absence? And all the things that we've tried so hard to learn, in the belief that one day we would pass it onto our children, do those things matter anymore? If we have no children, no spouse, how can we continue on? For as we've seen many times, life has to go on after death. People go back to work and back to their own worries and problems. For your parents and siblings and friends, your death will become a part of their life, but it will not define them. But maybe, like I said before, in dying we learn how to live, or at least how we wanted to or should have lived. And just maybe we will leave that awareness in those around us.

Now, before you wonder, I am not dying. Merely contemplating mortality and all that accompanies it. What I'm really after here is some feedback. What do you think? Are you living life that way you feel you should- fulfilling dreams, learning to love? **And how would you handle death if you were in the position of the young individual? What would you do?

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live." ~Norman Cousins

April Showers Bring May....

After weeks of Utah struggling to accept the arrival of spring, it has burst with full force into spring! And with the celebrated arrival of spring many changes have come my way, good and not so good. Winter semester ended here at BYU and I bid adieu to some of dear roommates. Then, all of a sudden I was biding farewell to my charming, though idiosyncratic, house due to the incompetency of my landlady. Sad, but good change for me. This past year held lots of heartache for me, most of which I dealt with in that house- sometimes laying in my bed crying and other times sitting in the front room laughing. This change is already helping me to meet more people and be full of joy again. Along with the other changes, my mother and siblings will be moving back to Indiana on June 1st and I will be helping them move. I will get to see my sister, Cortney, who lives back east. And more delays with the publishing company, but patience has always been a virtue, right?
I've come to realize just how individual our life's paths are now. Growing up we experience life with friends and classmates, going through the stages and phases together. Learning to drive and starting to date are shared with this entire group of people who shared our high school's crazy gym teacher, the local hang-out spots, and all the markers of coming of age. What a shock to realize in college that it will never be like that. People start to move at different paces in various directions. My friends are scattered abroad traveling or serving church missions, some are getting married and having kids already, others are finishing school, doing internships, and finding careers. And that is part of their path. Looking from the outside at others lives it appears so effortless this transition from one stage to another, always at the right time and right place. It's a bit trickier doing it in your own life. No one else knows of all the waiting, preparing, sweat and tears, loneliness and deep thought that goes into trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be next. People, much older and wiser I suppose (and they do too), tell you to wait and be patient, that all good things come in time. They must have forgotten. Or maybe not everyone struggles like this with the preparing stage. Maybe they don't have friends who ditch them for boys and missions, sometimes even rightfully so. Maybe they grasp more peace about this part of life than I.
Anyways, it's good to be back to blogging after my moving madness. And here is an excerpt I absolutely loved from recent writing. It just came out of my heart straight onto the paper.

"When the first rays of light warm my face at dawn, it is you kissing my face as you exit my dreams. And at night the twinkling of the lamp is you beckoning me to slip back into our dreams. At the end of all the love songs, in the few moments of silence after the music has stopped but before the song is over, you are there singing me to sleep. And you are in the kitchen with me as I experiment with new recipes- laughing with me over the mishaps and savoring new discoveries. The smell of books, both old and new, comes with the hope of finding you in each new adventure and journey through the pages. You must know that it is you in every breath and blink, every daydream and though, every recipe and story. It always is You."

P.S. 64 days til Emilee's wedding!!

Letter to Me

Recently for an assignment I wrote a letter to myself as an eight year-old. It was an interesting experience- both what I wrote and the journey of reliving some childhood experiences. But it was also a cathartic exercise, so I wanted to share some of what I wrote. Please don't take any of this personally.

"Right now you've decided that everyone will eventually disappoint or even abandon you. People aren't perfect dear, not adults, not parents, not even you. People make mistakes, disappoint you- especially people you love. But not everyone will let you down, not everyone will hurt you, not everyone will put the responsibility on your shoulders and leave. Kristi, you need to know that it's okay to not get everything right, to mess up and try again. You're allowed to say that you're struggling, hurt, angry...it's part of the process.... You need to allow people to see the vulnerable part of you or they will never really know you...

Try not to wait for what you expected and instead love what you're given. It may not be the timetable you had in mind, but Heavenly Father is the master planner. Let go a little bit and trust more- it's worth it in the end."

Interesting to realize that some of that I still need to hear and some of it I needed to be able to admit. Upon my graduation a couple years ago, a sweet lady gave me an interesting book- What I Know Now, a book of powerful women writing to their younger selves. It's worth a look.

What would you tell yourself looking back? What wisdom have you gained over the years?

2011 Resolutions

I've learned a lot this past year but I can do better. So here are my 2011 New Year's Resolutions, in no particular order:

• No more apologies for my choices and my life!!! I'm done trying to justify my hair color or explain why I have the goals I do. I will not apologize for who I am- not to family, friends, or strangers.
• I need to let down my guard more often and allow people to really get to know me. I tend to put up walls to stop myself from getting hurt, but more often than not I hurt myself by doing that. I'm grown-up and strong enough to handle the occasional bruises and cannot afford to continue to miss out on opportunities and relationships.
• Count my blessings daily.
• Call my family more often...all of them.
• Say what I mean instead of sugarcoating or holding back.
• Increase my fluency in both Spanish and Arabic.
• Do a good deed everyday.
• Deepen my personal scripture study and prayer.
• Let loose more often and not feel guilty for it. I need to allow myself to have adventures and create a few of my own.
• Be healthier. It's not about losing weight or not having chocolate- It's about finding a better balance for myself.
• Replace my intense study of chick flicks with more dating!
• And...spread the non-profit to more states and areas.
  

2010 Reflections

It's New Years Eve. The last day of 2010- a year of tremendous growth, a year full of challenges, heartache, tears, but also filled with laughter, surprises, joy and moments of peace. I'm sitting in my little house alone eating popcorn and drinking Sparkling Cider, listening to some of my favorite music and I'm going to watch some of my signature chick flicks shortly and write a love letter. This day has traditionally been one reserved for reflection and new resolutions, celebrating the good of the year and toasting the resolve to change the mistakes of the past year. It was this night my senior year that graduating finally became real (and scary). I've spent this night with my family and with friends, but this is my first one all by myself. And I'm okay with it. With all that's happened to me this year, everything I've done and learned- some reflection time is appropriate.
So here are some of my reflections:

• I've learned that I handle physical pain better than emotional pain.
• I've learned that I can push through the pain to be stronger than I ever thought possible.
• I learned that it is okay to do things just for me- just because I like it or I need some "me" time.
• I've been blessed my two of the best jobs ever this year- being an RA and a nanny to Jackson. Both have blessed my life immeasurably.
• I'm comfortable on first dates because I know who I am and I love that!
• I've learned how to deal with solitude and to treasure silence.
• I've learned that communication is vital to any relationship.
• I admit it- I'm addicted to chocolate and sushi (not together though). But admitting the problem is the first step, right?
• I've learned how to blog! But, more importantly, I've learned how to effectively use technology instead of tip-toeing around it.
• I am no longer bitter about so many of my friends getting engaged and married- I'm happy for them. I know that when it's right it will happen for me.
  
• My heart has slowly healed this year and looking back I'm grateful for the entire journey and the many lessons I've learned from it.
• And.... I never want to stop learning!

Tune in tomorrow for my 2011 Resolutions!

From the Heart of A Paladin

Paladin: any one of the 12 legendary peers or knightly champions in attendance on Charlemagne; any knightly or heroic champion; any determined advocate or defender of a noble cause.

I learned this word several weeks ago and fell in love with it immediately. In fact, when I get a dog that will be it's name. How appropriate to describe me! I don't mean knightly or that I was in attendance on Charlemagne (except in my imagination), but that I am a defender of truth and all good things. Indeed, "if there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, [I] seek after these things." (13th Article of Faith) I can honestly claim that I am a lover of many people, places, ideas, and activities. And I don't use the word "love" lightly-trust me, having experienced various methods and levels of love throughout my life. Now I tell you what I love so you can better understand who I am, for it is how we love that truly defines us.

I love my family with my entire being. My dad is amazing- the kind of man I compare every other man to. He is the voice in my head telling me I can do better; from him I get my desire to challenge and push myself. He introduced me to 80's music and old country and taught me to respect men just as I want them to respect me. My mother constantly teaches me something new. She is the ultimate example of patience and tolerance. Her and I are quite similar, but our circumstances have shaped us into unique individuals who are becoming friends independent of her parental status. She has the voice of an angel and passed on a love of reading to me. My oldest sister (*Aurora), only three years older than myself, is funny and has NO inhibitions; I consider myself a fairly private person so she makes me step outside of my comfort zone, a lot. My second oldest sister(*Jasmine) is only two years older than I and she is going to school across the country from me studying an advanced science field. She lives a very different life from myself and she has taught me so much about understanding others and unconditional love. She is always challenging me to think in different ways and I love her dearly. My younger sister(*Bubbles) just turned sixteen (if you just rolled your eyes and groaned- I'm with you) and is boy crazy!! It's funny talking to her because of all the things she wants to tell me about boys and school and seemingly silly things, but she always surprises me with her deep insights and profound spirituality. My youngest sister is two years younger than the 16 year old. She is the tiny tomboy of the family. Over the years, her and I have shared a love of dancing so we always dance together. She is talented with the piano, singing, acting, and art- to name a few. Always thoughtful, she is caring and loving even when she's rocking out. I only have one brother, but since I was only given one, God gave me the best one ever. *Jasper is the youngest of the family and is eight years younger than me. He is my angel and is probably the sweetest boy to ever live on the planet Earth. Constantly curious, he loves bugs, animals, science, ancient history, and any new subject you give him. When he was born, I cared for him extensively so we are joined at the hip...almost. Loving my brother has made me a better woman, and so has my entire family each in their unique way. (And yes, I purposely left out their names for their privacy). I love my religion; I am a Latter-Day Saint (Mormon!). It gives me purpose and direction in a world wherein so many are wandering. This religion is based on simple and powerful true principles and doctrines, yet always amazes me with the depth and breadth our progression of testimony can extend to.

I love my friends and I love making new friends. They continually teach me from new and varied perspectives about every subject and emotion. I love the multi-layered friendships I have the privilege of enjoying. I have been a nanny, babysitter, housekeeper, roommate, neighbor, teacher, mentor, resident assistant, group leader, team captain, etc to some friends and those relationships continue to grow even after I no longer see them regularly. I have to mention my friend Kelly, who always amazes me with her depth and perspectives on life. She is always there for me when I need support and I love her for exactly who she is. My best friend, Emilee, was my twin sister born to another family. I can call her and cry over the phone and no words are needed. Sometimes we call each other at the same time, both of us crying or laughing. She understands me on a consummate level that few others have ever reached with me.

I love learning, of every kind and all angles. Being especially blessed, I enjoy both science and English and history and music and math. The study of cultures and languages fascinates me; I am learning to appreciate art and that peregrination called life. It is typical of me to want to learn faster than I can run--I'm that excited for knowledge. Subtle things are probably my favorite things to learn: how to rock a baby to sleep, teaching a child to tie shoes, learning to enjoy the small things like sunrises and beautiful gardens, learning to slow down in our fast-paced world, learning to listen and understand, and learning to appreciate silence and stillness.
I love to dance- the movement, the music, the structure, the freedom, and the expression of it. I dance all styles and I have this sneaking suspicion that when I'm eighty I will still sneak out of bed and dance in the moonlight. I love to swim, which a rather recent love actually. I am currently training to swim the English Channel. Wish me luck! I love to write- stories and poems, essays, talks/speeches-you name it, I probably like to write it. Except a blog, but I'll talk about that later. I love romantic movies and love stories, love quotes and adventures of love in my own life. I love the mountains, sunflowers, cauliflower, latin dancing, fondant, Marines, the color orange, football, the Yankees, and finger painting.

The following is a quote from one of my manuscripts that perfectly describe how I feel about love: " We all have a love story. Familiar or romantic. Long or short, joyful or full of sorrow, complicated or simple, or somewhere in between it all. Francois de La Rouchefoucould once said, “There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand different versions.” Maybe we’re all just searching for our version. The one that makes us believe in magic, even after tragedy. The one that makes us want to become a better person if only to better love them. The one that makes the sun rise and is there to teach us how to deal with the night. But no matter what form love is for us, it can never be ordinary. Love itself is never ordinary. Maybe we are ordinary as individuals, or our lives are mundane, or it seems the plot of our life mirrors someone else’s. But it is love that truly defines each of us, and since it can never be ordinary, neither are we. Every aspect of the way we love shapes and defines us. Some will tell you it’s clothes or money, or the collection of life experiences that give you an identity on some level. But in the end, no one writes on their headstone what designer they wore, or how much they were worth, or a list of all their awards and achievements. Nope. You see, “Beloved Wife and Mother” or “Loving Father and Friend” etc. Life is about love. It really is that simple. Sometimes in life we forget that. All we see are the bills every day in the mail, hear people screaming for our attention, and feel the weight of the world on every square inch of our bodies. I admit to that feeling as well. But never for long because there’s a part of us that always knows. That will forever remind us of love."

In short, I love therefore I am.