Beautiful Heartbreak

I'm not going to apologize for the last post, because I really felt that way at the time. However, a week later, I'm doing much better with the situation. In fact, that specific heartache was able to join the other things I was working on letting go of and I can honestly say that I am doing incredible today. Actually better than before. I noticed I posted this music video almost three years ago, but it means even more now so I hope you enjoy it.

I mentioned earlier about the pieces we leave behind and need to bring back to ourselves. I realized that sometimes that part hasn't learned all it needs to yet. If it still hurts or frustrates, maybe I haven't learned the lesson I needed to from that experience. For the most part, these pieces come back as we call bringing peace and closure. Sometimes we realize they are attached to these heavy burdens we've been carrying around, perhaps for years. The only way I'm finding to become whole again is through calling back our "pieces", cleansing ourselves of the burden and baggage we still harbor, and filling the holes with light and love.

That sounds really poetic. I know it's not that straight-forward or easy. We talk about physical health and spiritual health and sometimes we skirt around really talking about emotional health. And just as we are responsible for the former kinds, we have an obligation to take care of ourselves emotionally. But how? Few people or places teach us how; there's no class or textbook to walk us through the steps because it's so personal. For some, talking about and analyzing emotional issues to reach understanding is enough. For others, understanding comes only as a first stop followed by releasing negative emotions and identifying the positive learning outcomes.

As I positively direct my thoughts towards the kind of person I want to be, I can already see how it fills me with light and joy.  This spring cleaning for the soul is not for the faint of heart- it's work. Sometimes exhausting, sometimes at a slower pace than we want, but always productive and extremely liberating. I hope this post wasn't too crazy to follow with all my thoughts thrown around there, but I truly believe that all experiences leave a fossil-like impression on our souls making us who we are. But we have the choice to fill the space left behind from that burden or blessing with the right thoughts and feelings. So, in fact, it is true that it is not our circumstances, but how we choose to react and react and react again throughout our lives that fills us up.

 

Love Takes Hostages

This isn't my usual kind of post and maybe I feel a little guilty for spewing out the heartache on my blog. But if I can't do it on my blog, where else can I? I know this isn't how I really truly feel overall, but right now I do. You don't have to read this. You can go back to playing with your adorable baby and talking to your sweet husband. Sorry, that sounded bitter. Please, you don't have to read this. But I need to write it.

 

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. "- Neil Gaiman "The Sandman"

 

I remember getting up one day realizing it didn't hurt the same. Like my heart finished rearranging the pieces to fill in the hole and my lungs patching up the punctures so I could breathe again. Reminiscing isn't as painful as reliving. The way his smile made my heart flutter and how his eyes connected to my soul. The way he listened to me like every word was the most important he'd ever heard. Funny how you're so different yet you did the same things to my heart. His eyes were brown and yours are blue, and with him the pain was immediate. Shattering. With you, only numbness. Like my heart was ready for it, prepared for the inevitable, protected by the scar tissue of careless men before you. After round one, I thought I was coming back stronger, ready for another shot. But the numb ache tells me I lied to myself. Maybe I never got over him. And perhaps I still had my walls up so when it all fell apart the only one I could be angry with was me. I want to say I put it all out there- my whole heart on the line. So if it's broken then it's my fault. I put the expectations out there, investing myself before you knew what hit you. They say you remember the pain from the first time, but that the damage is worse the second time broken. And it's true. Now I just feel empty. Numb. Not caring if it ever heals so I won't get the stupid idea to try again.

All The Pieces

We go through life giving parts of ourselves away, leaving them here and there. And the wonderful thing is that it means we were invested in our lives--that it mattered enough to give the gift of self. On the other hand, however, it can mean eventually you feel like you're missing yourself. At that point, or any reflection pit-stop along the way, you have the choice to call all those pieces back to you. It doesn't mean those experiences didn't shape and guide you, that you're forgetting, or that it doesn't matter anymore. Wherever and whenever we invest our hearts and souls, it changes us forever. But afterwards, when we've completed the job, you can take that part of your heart back.

So here's to calling all my pieces home.

To the part of me growing up that thought I was responsible for making sure everyone was okay- come back to me.

And the part that gave all my energy and time into being as perfect as possible in high school, that involved myself in every activity, and worked for every grade like my life depended on it- let it go and come back.

To the part of me I thought I lost when I was betrayed by friends- find your way home now.

The part of me that I let slowly fade away when I loved someone I didn't have a chance with- come back to life.

And the part of me that changed everything when I truly fell in love for the first time- I still need you.

To the part of me that stayed behind with all the wonderful memories of college- come back.

The part of me that gave everything on my mission and that loved the Lord and the people of Houston beyond all comprehension- come back and I will always carry you with me.

And the pieces of me I left in the numerous states I've lived in- come back and see the home I've created now.

And to all the other pieces and parts, good and bad, joyful and sad, come back to me so I can move forward as me--the whole woman I can be.

Boiled Eggs and Potatoes

If you take two identical pots of boiling water and place eggs in one and potatoes in the other, both will cook. The circumstances are the same- surrounded by 113+ degree water ( a mixture of hydrogen and oxygen molecules moving extremely fast). However, when all is said and done, the egg has hardened and the potato has softened. What's the difference? I believe the actual quote I read went like this- "The same boiling water that softens potatoes, hardens eggs. It's all about what you are made of, not your circumstances." What you're made of. It's the very composition of the food item in question that determines it's reaction to the circumstance.

And so it goes with us. It's not the situation or the trial, but our character, attitude, and reaction that determines the outcome. Sometimes that is challenging to remember when we feel like boiling water has encompassed us; it is difficult to keep in mind that sometimes the goal is not to stay above water, but to allow the water to change you.

There is an element of choice in any and all circumstances. Recently I watched the movie "If I Stay" with a group of friends and I couldn't help but notice this theme through the entire film. Mia, the main character, faces a lot of choices about love and ultimately about whether to wake up from her coma or let us herself die. I love how the nurse whispers to her, "Here's the secret baby. If you live, if you die, it's all up to you." Now I know there are times and circumstances where things truly are beyond our control, but the choices we can make can help determine, if not the final outcome, then how we well endure and how we influence those around us.

Life is about choices. One of my other favorite quotes from the movies is, " Sometimes you make choices in life and sometimes choices make you." Choices we make do make us who we are and who we will become. I couldn't post just anything to start off the new year and I thought this was good food for thought to kick it off. I don't know all of what this next year has in store for me, maybe some more boiling water, but I do know who I am striving to become and through it all I am determined to be positive, happy, and humble. Happy 2015!

Happy New and Improved Year!

It's days like this that I revel in the expected reflection and evaluation of both the past and the future (as I have done throughout the years here and here and here) New Year's is such a wonderful combination of letting go of the old and welcoming in the new and all that comes with it. 2014 was a wonderful year, with lots of surprises of all shapes and sizes, with numerous adventures and mishaps. I took a lot of risks this year in my efforts to be brave and live whole-heartedly and looking back, I have very few regrets. This year I was more open and honest and real. I've learned to trust in the Lord a little more and to love the Atonement a little deeper. Yes, 2014 was a good year and I'll be sad to see it come to an end. But not too sad, because I have this feeling that 2015 is going to be my year.

I'm a big believer in progression and growth so the idea that 2015 is going to be "better" than 2014 is kind of a "duh" response. Of course, each year will be better as I continue to build on learning experiences and pursue my goals; in a quality life we reflect so we can progress. I'm always making plans and setting goals, reevaluating them, writing them down, breaking them down in smaller steps/goals, following up, etc. I'm a little obsessed with goals. So never fear, I have them written down and will hold off on just dumping that list here this time. However, the gist of all of them is pointing me towards becoming my best self and setting a theme for the new year of pushing myself to become who Heavenly Father wants me to be. To serve a little more, learn more, try harder, dig deeper, and love more profoundly.

And in that line of thinking, I want to share a recent excerpt of writing that I think speaks to this theme:

" Marvin J Ashton said, " The world is filled with too many of us who are inclined to indicate our love with an announcement or declaration. True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continuing to be real. Love takes time...Love demands action if it is to be continuing. Love is a process. Love is not a declaration. Love is not an announcement. Love is not a passing fancy. Love is not a convenience. Let us resolve to take the time to give of ourselves in putting love into appropriate action and performance." They shared this quote today in Relief Society and it hit me really hard. For years now I've declared my love in letters and little notes, in three simple words and in long fancy paragraphs. I guess I thought that all I had were words and that when I finally can give them to you--you will know. Not only will you know, but you'll feel how much I love you, not necessarily through the combination of letters and words, but from the sheer constancy and endurance of them. It's not forever yet, but eleven years is a good start. I thought for sure you'd see the way loving you has changed me, shaped me, and how I tried to give you some of that in return. But today, in hearing that quote, I doubted. Of course I agree that love is not a convenience or a fancy- I know it takes time and work and more than words. And today I questioned if that's all I've been offering- declarations and announcements. And if I have, shame on me. You deserve so much more. So I wondered- how can I show you how much I love you? How can I translate this incredible light and essence that is part of my very soul because of you into something more tangible? Not that words don't have power and weight- over 100 letters tucked away in my letter box for you proves that. But still, you deserve more. You deserve to be loved in every possible way, in every conceivable expression of the emotion. If you were here, I'd try to figure out how to serve you, how to spend time with you, how to give you gifts only I can, how to soothe and comfort, how to touch and kiss. But you're not here and I am going crazy trying to figure out how to express all this love for you I have bottled up inside. And then the thought came, or rather the inspiration, that one of the best gifts I could give you is my best self. The me who has conquered fears and dealt with the emotional trauma of my family so I don't drag it into our marriage. The best me who has disciplined herself and taken control of her finances. The best me who has taken my health and confidence back in place of aches, pains, and worries. The best me who has taken action to become this woman I'm meant to be and in so doing shown just how much I love you. Love, Me"

Here's to finding balance, freedom, simplicity, hope, and love in 2015!

Day 25 of the 25 Days of Christ

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

 

 

 

So if you are taking just a moment to discover how the "25 Days of Christ" ends, here you are. Between the ascension of Christ in Israel and his ministry and teaching among the Nephites, the gospel he taught and the love he offered were consistent. So as we open our gifts today may we ponder on what our gift to him will be this next year.

 

Acts 1:9-11 
"Worshipfully and with great joy the Apostles returned to Jerusalem. The Lord’s ascension was accomplished. It was truly a literal departure of a material being, as his resurrection had been an actual return of his spirit to his own physical body. Now the disciples began to comprehend more fully that he had truly overcome the world. Not that he had displaced Caesar or even Pilate who ruled over Judea. The great majority of the world’s people had still not even heard of him. Not that man’s inhumanity to man was suddenly wiped out. But now there was victory over the grave—always, until then, the final conqueror of all men.

Then the realization began to dawn on his faithful followers that his kingdom was not of this world. He had overcome the world of hate, envy, greed, and lust. He had shown the way for man to break the chains of selfishness and vengeance which had bound him, doomed him to mediocrity, a prisoner of his own misconceptions. His disciples were quickened with a realization that this was what he had been teaching them. This was what his life had spelled out to them."

-President Ezra Taft Benson, He Is Risen

 

3 Nephi 17:5-24  

"Jesus gave us a clear pattern to follow in fulfilling our responsibility to nurture and teach children. Our challenges differ from those of the Nephites because we live in a different time. But the Savior’s way is timeless. In his church, there can be no other way. As he demonstrated, our physical presence and attention is vital to the children in our families, church, and communities. We can know their needs and minister to them when we spend time with them. We can behold our children in their eternal perspective and see that they all know of the Savior and learn the significant truths of his gospel. We can help them witness marvelous spiritual events. They can hear our earnest prayers in their behalf. We are their ministering angels on earth if we follow the Lord’s example."

- Behold Your Little Ones

 

 

Day 24: Road to Emmaus/ Appearance to the Nephites

Merry Christmas Eve!

 

So today is a two-parter- one from the Bible and one from the Book of Mormon. I love how both focus on discerning the voice of the Spirit.

Luke 24:13-32

"Walking the road, much as we walk through life, the disciples were discussing the stunning events of Christ’s death and resurrection. Suddenly, Jesus, disguised to their eyes, drew near and walked with them and explained to them how the scriptures had been fulfilled. As the trio approached the village, Jesus turned away, but the disciples urged, as we urge daily, that he should “Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day is far spent.” The Lord acquiesced, accompanied them, and ate with them, and as he blessed the food their eyes were opened and “they knew him,” and he vanished. (Luke 24:13–31.) In our walks along the road called life, in our study of the words of Luke and the other Gospel writers, we too rejoice in those treasured moments with the Lord. And in seeking to live in accordance with his commandments, and in studying his word, we might say, as the two disciples said to one another, “Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures?” (Luke 24:32.) Our hearts do burn and ever shall, so long as we do the will of the Lord, so long as we read Luke, and the others, with an eye and a heart single to the glory of our God and the miracle of his Son."

-The Powerful Voice of the Gospels

 

 

3 Nephi 8:3-7, 17-23, 3 Nephi 11:1-15 

 

I feel incredibly blessed to know that Christ's ministry extended to various people around the world. After his death and resurrection, and after his ministry among his disciples for 40 days, we have at least one recorded account of his visit to the Americas- to "other sheep not of this fold".

"The more righteous part of the Nephites had to focus their attention in order to hear the voice that preceded the Savior’s appearance among them. “They heard a voice as if it came out of heaven; and they cast their eyes round about, for they understood not the voice which they heard; and it was not a harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice; nevertheless, and notwithstanding it being a small voice it did pierce them that did hear to the center, insomuch that there was no part of their frame that it did not cause to quake; yea, it did pierce them to the very soul, and did cause their hearts to burn.” 18 They heard the voice a second time and did not understand. When they heard the voice the third time, they “did open their ears to hear it; and their eyes were towards the sound thereof; and they did look steadfastly towards heaven, from whence the sound came.”19 If we are to hearken to the voice of the Spirit, we too must open our ears, turn the eye of faith to the source of the voice, and look steadfastly towards heaven." 

President James E. Faust, Voice of the Spirit, (video) 

 

I think this is a fitting message for Christmas Eve as we eagerly anticipate and prepare for the festivities of the next day. In all our preparation and busyness it might be easy to miss the quiet whisperings of the Spirit. If we fail to recognize the first or second prompting, I pray that we feel that piercing voice in our souls directing us back to the Savior. Are we listening? Are our hearts burning within us? Many of the other days focused on teachings or events from the Savior's life and I feel this one subtly shifts to us. He is teaching- are we learning? When he is speaking to us- are we listening? When he is marking the path and leading the way- are we following in his footsteps?