Life is. . .

Life is beautiful.
Life is surprising.
Life is hard.
Life is a great many things all rolled into one.

So, I didn't get the job I've been working toward.
Therefore, lots of choices need to be made.
Soon.

I want to make the right choice for me.
I wish it was that simple.
Everything else factors into making life altering choices though.
Like my family, a career, a lifestyle, money, etc.

I want to grab life and take control,
But I don't want to be selfish and discount others.
And the one thing I want more than everything else....
I can't accomplish on my own or even when I plan it.

A few words of wisdom are in order.
" Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." - John Lennon

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." ~Dorothy Thompson

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ~ Albert Einstein

"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets." ~Arthur Miller

"If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found."

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."- Emerson

Please pray for me to make the right decisions.

Big Decisions

I've got big decisions to make.
But while I'm still thinking everything over...
I thought I'd take some advice from the experts.

How To Make A High-Stakes Decision
by Amy Gallo at Harvard Business Review.

Even the most decisive manager can be thrown into despair when faced with a high-stakes matter. We make decisions every day without noticing, but a career-making (or breaking) challenge requires thought and deliberation. It's unlikely that a single approach will serve you every time. However, there are key factors you should consider to ensure you reach a sound conclusion.

What the Experts Say
People respond to the pressure of big decisions in different ways. As Michael Roberto, the Trustee Professor of Management at Bryant University, said in his 2001 HBR article "What You Don't Know About Making Decisions", "all too often [decision-makers] rush to a conclusion or else dither endlessly and decide too late." Finding a middle ground is difficult, agrees Sydney Finkelstein, the Steven Roth Professor of Management at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth and co-author of "Why Good Leaders Make Bad Decisions." "When there's more at stake, you have to take more time [but] how much time really depends on the magnitude of the decision," he says. Whether you are inclined to take shortcuts or stall out sorting through options, what's most important is to be aware of the hazards that might befall you, and how to avoid them.

Involve others, but own the outcome

Big decisions shouldn't happen in a vacuum. "You have to have a team. You can't rely only on yourself," says Finkelstein. By consulting others, you expose yourself to differing opinions, which will help you to make a more informed choice, and you give yourself a better shot at winning buy-in from those who will be affected. At the same time, beware of the risks. "If you have a lot of people involved, almost always a small subset take control and make the decision," which can make the larger group's contribution negligible, Finkelstein says. Also, while important issues, such as changing the strategic direction of a group or hiring a new manager, typically require input from many sources, at the end of the day, one person needs to be accountable. Ultimately, "the leader has to decide," he explains. "I'm not a fan of consensus."

Trust — but challenge — your gut reaction
In some cases, your first instinct may be right, but it's probably not based on rational thought. It's important to question your initial reaction and test it once you've gathered more data. Also make sure to explain your reasoning to others "That's one of the risks when we make intuitive decisions, people don't understand our thought process. It's not like when we go through a big formal analysis where they can follow the steps. With intuition, it's this lightning bolt. They don't understand: How did you come to that conclusion?" says Roberto in Harvard ManageMentor's module on decision making.

Remain open
Another pitfall that Finkelstein identifies is pre-judgment: when you form an opinion early on in the process, based on preliminary information, and stick with it despite what you learn later. "The hallmark of pre-judgment is when you see someone who is referring to data or examples that support their point of view and disregarding data or examples that are inconsistent with it," he says. Take notice when you keep finding information that maintains your perspective, ask yourself whether there is a dissenting point of view that you need to seek out and consider. Be your own devil's advocate and diligently challenge your initial assumptions, or find a trusted colleague to do this for you.

Be wary of past experiences
Many people make big decisions by relating the current challenge to what they've done in the past. It can serve you well to make those connections, but there are drawbacks as well. Finkelstein says people tend to rely on their past experiences even when they're not relevant. Roberto concurs. "The problem is that when we reason by analogy, we focus on all the similarities, and we often ignore the differences between related situations. And the differences often are where the problems are, where the challenges are." Bring in previous incidents as a source of data, but question how pertinent and useful they truly are.

Recognize your bias
"The reality is we all walk into situations where we have bias," says Finkelstein. This bias may be toward things we have attachment to — people, places, divisions — or toward our own self-interest. "It's not news that self interest has a role in how we think but what I found in my research is that a lot of self-interest is subconscious. We don't even know we're doing it," says Finkelstein. You may lean toward an answer because it will be easier to implement or because it is the one that will earn you the most good will with your people. These are not good enough reasons. Focus on reaching the best solution by acknowledging your bias and then putting it aside.

Don't close the book
Even after accounting for the above challenges, your decision will not be perfect. It's rare to figure out an issue completely before moving ahead with a solution. But, that doesn't mean you are stuck. It's a good idea to monitor the situation closely and make adjustments as necessary. "After a few days, a week or a month, you reopen the decision and see where you're at," Finkelstein says.

Principles to Remember

Do:

• Own the decision but bring in others to better understand the various issues involved
• Recognize when you may be partial and ask a trusted peer to check your bias
• Regularly revisit decisions you've made to be sure they are still valid

Don't:

• Rely exclusively on your instinct — think through any initial reactions you have
• Ignore new information that comes in, especially if it challenges your current viewpoint
• Assume the issue is exactly like one you've handled in the past — look for similarities and differences

Moments That Makes Us- 100th Post

There are moments in our lives that make us, change us, shape us into the individuals we become. Some we know instantly while others are only found upon reflection. Moments like these are frozen in time, etched into our souls leaving marks for all who get close enough to see.

In celebration of my 100th post after eleven months of blogging I thought long and hard about what I wanted to post for this. I want to post this for me, for the memories and events that have changed me. And I want to post this for you, my readers, for believing in me, for following my journey thus far--so I'm sharing a bit more of my soul with you.
With my ear hovering over the vent, counting the seconds, waiting for the cries to fade. Suddenly I'm off the floor, out my door, creeping down the stairs, sneaking until I'm standing over the crib. And then he's in my short little arms looking up at me. I'm singing and rocking him back and forth, thinking that this must be what love feels like. I hold him until we both fall asleep.

Holding my chest tightly so breathing doesn't hurt so badly, I let the tears hit the pillow softly. Hoping that no one hears, that no one ask any more questions about the bruises. Afraid to close my eyes again because I know the nightmare will come back, afraid to let myself relive it over and over again. Angry at the hurt, angry that I don't know how to deal with it. Deciding to be stronger for tomorrow, deciding to distract myself so I won't dream anymore, deciding to never get hurt again.

Small inked letters cover the pages- lined, blank, even the back of take-out menus. Written in waiting moments, hastily scrawled to capture the thoughts, others carefully penned. Sealed with a promise, scented with Sunflower, kept sacred in a box beside my bed. Just words if read alone. Love if read all together. Not to be opened til the first day of forever.

Kneeling next to the fresh mound with the shots still ringing in the air. Numb to the spreading heartache, no words are adequate, no tears will help. The flag neatly folded as if to wrap up the grief neatly. Silence. Then his voice in my head telling me to get up, start walking...keep living.

Standing in front of the small class, pausing one last moment before I start teaching. Looking into their faces- young, nervous, excited- a mirror of myself. From all across the country, we sit together laughing, learning, discussing. As the words come tumbling out, there is no way I could have predicted it to be the beginning of the most amazing journey. No way that I could know that these people will become my examples, my heroes, my best friends.

I stare up at him, into those liquid pools of chocolate that have captured my heart, while the moon is high and the evening wraps around us as if to separate us from the world. His smile reminding me of all the laughter, the shared secrets, the trust built between two people. My palms are damp and my heart drumming to the beat of those three little words slipping out of my mouth. Words that change everything. One heartbeat. Two heartbeats.
Then the shattering.

Driving faster than legal, hot tears burning my cheeks, angrier than I've ever been in my entire life. Yelling, screaming, in my empty car, no one listening to me, then the explaining and placating. But I realize that while others are angry, mine is different- my anger won't go away, sets me apart. Then face-to-face, hugs, and getting to work unloading. Holding all the emotions in check so I can support the family. Being where they need me to be. But I'm alone-lost and drifting.

A tentative smile and falsely cheerful tone, unsure of what to say or not to say. Hugging him, feeling the prickly stubble, smelling the familiar smoke. Asking about the game, the Packers or the Steelers, and he wished me a happy birthday. A kiss on the cheek and whispered "I love you". One last look at the black licorice and John Wayne movies and at the shadow of a man, not sure if it will be the last time. And it was.

Adjusting the veil a bit, smoothing her skirt to gain a second to hide my tears on my best friend's happiest day. Remembering all the late night talks, long distance phone calls, the notes of encouragement, the friendship that has saved me. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

Em's Wedding Day!!

Waking up at 5am, I think both Em and I were instantly alert and excited, despite only five or six hours of sleep. I got completely ready while Em did her makeup so we could leave to get her hair done. About 6:15 we went to get her hair done. Curls everywhere, tons of hairspray, special bobby pins to keep the hair securely in place. As much as I liked the veil she wore, it was a shame that it covered up her beautiful hair. H picked up Em from the hairdressers and I went with Em's mom with the dress and everything in the van over to the Mesa temple. They had to be there by eight for the sealing at nine, so I waited in the lobby until the rest of the family showed up. Then along with Emilee's younger siblings, watched three babies during the ceremony. Early in the morning and it was already baking!
9:30ish Em and H came out of the temple, glowing brighter than the Arizona sun. They were married!!!...everything else afterward is just icing on the cake. As quickly as possible we took pictures in front of the temple with all the family before people started melting. Everyone left, well almost. I stayed with H while mom went and helped Em change out of her wedding dress. While we waited, I thanked H for making Em so happy. Honestly, I've never seen her like this. And I'm just getting to know Em's husband so we got to talk some more. I realized that she makes him just as happy, so there you go! After they came out, mom and I ran home before the luncheon to get the first load of things over to the stake center for the reception. Meanwhile, Dad grabbed the sheet cakes and other last minute things from the store.
12- H's mom hosted the luncheon for the families and close friends with sandwiches, pasta salad, and cookies. Favorite part- H's mom coordinated the colors with Em's reception so it was orange and yellow. So therefore in the middle of the tables she had scattered Reese's Pieces!!! It was fun to relax and talk for a couple hours with friends, family, and of course, Em and H. Funny moment- a friend of H's family came over to the table I was sitting at with other friends and Em's brother (who was keeping us all laughing) to get to know everyone. She assured us that after years of knowing H, she knew that he was a wonderful man. Without skipping a beat I replied that I knew that because all three of H's background checks came back clean. Sometimes I can be witty : )
2ish - running back home to gather the second load of everything that needed to be brought to the reception site. Changing back into my coordinating outfit I also helped the siblings get ready before heading back to set up.
4:30 Back to the church with carloads of vases, coolers, the wedding dress, the tv for the video, and many many other things. The florist was already there setting up the vases, the lights were already hung with the paper lanterns.
5- Em and H got there and I helped Em back into her dress. Back into her dress, making all the adjustments, putting up the bustle, redo the makeup, pin up the escaped curls. It was fun having a moment with just me and Emilee talking and sharing these moments together. Thank you Emilee.
5:30- The family went to go take more pictures while I instructed the kitchen help on making the Caesar salad, making the chicken salad sandwiches, the lemonade, the pasta salad, and the cake. Then running around adjusting. In all honesty, I can't remember everything because I was running around meticulously trying to make everything perfect for Em.
6:30 Reception started!! It was absolutely beautiful. Twinkling lights, white, orange, and yellow paper lanterns, cute photos, beautiful flowers, a jazz pianist playing his little heart out, and love spilling out into the evening. I promise- I stopped to eat two plates of food and a piece of cake at some point during the night, but I also kept running to check on the kitchen, refilling water for Em and H since they were standing in line for hours. I did have a small trip up once refilling water--I went behind the buffet table and someone had spilled some pasta salad. Down I went with ice cubes flying. But not to worry, I was back up in an instant. By the end of the reception my feet were on fire and my limbs felt like they'd been filled with cement. But after the dancing (with a few tears from everyone) Em changed and I gave them a basket of food I'd packed for them. And off they went. Immediately we started taking down tables, collecting the decorations, cleaning the kitchen, etc.
10:30 We had packed the cars full of everything we could and went home to unload. They was still more to get, but Mom told me I was released. Whew! What a day! Then the girls wanted a girls night- I think because they missed Em already. So we grabbed our blankets and popped in Night At the Museum. I was so tired but I think I caught most of the show. Finally off to bed around midnight. But the important thing-- Emilee is married for time and all eternity to the love of her life!

Plus... my 100th post coming up next!!

"I Got You"

I'm a dancer. I have been for my entire life. So it is no surprise that I get sucked into shows like So You Think You Can Dance or Dancing With the Stars. There is a part of me that can only be expressed with dance, that not even my literary heart can express. The story in this dance is two best friends and he is getting married. He gets left at the altar and she is there to pick him back up. Along the way he realizes he loves her. Wouldn't that be nice? But the song is for more than just lovers, but for friends and family. Only the first two minutes of the above video are the dance, so just skip the commentary afterward. I fell in love with the song however and looked in up. The actual music video is a bit interesting so I found another just so you can hear the whole song.



Think about those people who always have your back and those that you would move mountains for.

Arizona in July

Emilee warned me Arizona was hot in July. But 108 degrees is hard to comprehend if you've never experienced it. And they told me I was lucky that it wasn't 113 or 118. Plus they told me that most people find a way to escape Arizona in July- go visit relatives in Utah, Idaho, etc, have massive surgery so they can stay in the air-conditioned hospital for weeks, or get married so they escape on a honeymoon to the Caribbean which is still nicer than Arizona.Actually, they said that the only people coming to Arizona in July were me and Emilee's extended family coming for the wedding. Well, I'm happy to report that I survived the heat, even liked it a bit. I didn't get sunburned as I usually do, instead I'm a bit tanned. So I'm thinking that Arizona would be a great place to move, maybe for medical school down the road. Then they tell me it's also monsoon season so heavy rains and/or dust storms are anticipated.

Ok, I need to back up a bit. I flew into Arizona July 4th (Happy Independence Day!), which by the way- who knew it was cheaper to fly out on a holiday than on the day after it? Emilee and H picked me up and I don't think I stopped smiling at them the whole ride- make that the whole week! We dropped H off so he could do homework and went back to Em's house where I met her family. Emilee and I have been friends for several years now and we talk about everything, including her family. So upon meeting her family I felt like I already knew them and I loved them instantly. She has one sister married with a baby so I didn't get to know her as well, but the other three are fantastic. Her only brother who is going to be a senior, records music and is so funny that at times I was doubled over laughing. He's a teenager but if I asked him nicely to help me with something (wedding prep) he was cheekily helpful. Then there's her younger sister who is a brilliant pianist and so fun to be around. And the youngest sister who is creative, imaginative, silly, and loving. All of them made me feel welcome. Em's dad is a wonderful man who works as a seminary and institute teacher, is quietly funny, and was absolutely welcoming to me. And then there's her mom. I could write a whole post on her if I didn't think my mom would be a little offended. Em's mom is warm and welcoming, easy to talk to, a go-getter, and laid-back. I spent most of the week with her getting everything ready for the wedding day while Emilee worked. They had hired a decorator and florist, but the family did lots of setting up, decorating, and all the food! I think the rest of the family is going to relax for awhile after all the hard work.

Anyway, on Monday we swam in their pool, ate some food, watched Tangled. I thought this is probably what paradise looks like- the palm trees in the yard, the pool, clear skies, my best friend. It was pretty close. Tuesday was lovely as well. Em went off to work and I started checking things off the to-do list with mom, running errands and just having so much fun in the process. That evening out in the yard, Dad suddenly starts telling us to check out the sky. I turn and look to see an apocalypse looking dust cloud covering the entire horizon. They call is a "haboob", the arabic term for such dust storms. Lucky me, this was the largest such storm ever to hit Arizona. Dad said we probably only had a few minutes to get inside before it hit and sure enough, after we got inside and shut all the windows everything went black. It was crazy! And in the morning there was a layer of dust on everything. Here's a short video showing some of it.


Little did I know that as excited as the dust storm was, the real fun was just starting. Shopping for all the food ingredients for the wedding reception, picking up pictures, bustling the wedding dress, picking the dance songs, borrowing this and picking up that. I'm a wedding planner- I've done this many times, but always from a third party position. This felt like I was part of the family. Plus I got to share a room with Em for the week and we'd talk and say prayers together. Some people might think that working hard and running around for a wedding does not sound like a vacation, but it was perfect for me. I've never seen Emilee so happy, she practically sparkles. It was an interesting experience for me- to be so incredibly happy for another person while feeling a bit forlorn and lonely. The night before the wedding while she was getting advice from her parents, I admit to shedding a few tears. We will always be friends but this changes things again. But then again, life will continue to change. I will one day get married too and I know she'll be there for me since none of my sisters will likely be able to come to the ceremony. She will have kids and I will too. H will go to school for counseling and I might move down there for medical school. Or not. We're going to have to wait and see.

One moment in particular that I will never forget. She had come out of the temple with H after the sealing ceremony. We were taking pictures with family in front of the Mesa temple, which is absolutely gorgeous! and we kept making eye contact and smiling at each other. I was in the group photo and her family photo, but then got out of the way to let them do their thing. I'm not the one to jump in usually, plus I actually really hate pictures of myself. So I waited at the top of the stairs for a moment with the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. Finally she walked up to me and looked at me with an indescribable expression of joy and love on her face. We hugged for several minutes and I think we both cried a bit. And then I looked back into her eyes and it was like... like she held the secrets of eternity and happiness there in her beautiful brown eyes. And it gave me such hope. Hope that one day I will find that joy and discover that secret.

I will post next on just the wedding day!

Song Stuck In My Head

I've had this song stuck in my head for weeks now, ever since watching Something Borrowed (good movie by the way). It helps that I own a Chevy and that I look really good getting out of it when the sun hits my hair : ) Plus the movie is really really cute. Kissing animals, holding hands, little kids....I probably shouldn't watch it too often, but that won't stop me from listening. And if you like this song, check out Natasha Bedingfield's song from the movie here. Have a great holiday weekend!